The Art of Sportsmanship

Every fall I hold a weekend-long clinic for all the 6, 7 and 8-year-old kids in my neighborhood to teach them the importance of sportsmanship and to demonstrate the life lessons we can all learn from competition.

At the end of the clinic I like to review with the kids everything that was discussed to make sure they leave with the most important points fresh on their minds. Below is the transcript from this year’s review session:

“All right kids, let’s go over what you learned about playing by the rules and being a good sport. Who can tell me the most important thing to remember when competing in athletic events? Timmy?”

“Rules are for fools?” Timmy answered.

“Good, Timmy,” I said. “If you want to win, you have to gain some kind of competitive advantage over your opponent. What’s one way to do that?”

“HGH and bovine steroids,” Cindy said.

“Yes! But there are rules to follow when using these drugs. Does anyone remember what those are?” I asked.

“Don’t leave a paper trail, find a friend who will take the fall for you, and if your sport doesn’t test for them, then it’s not cheating,” Johnny said.

“Very good. It’s never too early to start pumping your body full of chemicals. Now, let’s say you’re in college and one day after practice you’re approached by a wealthy booster who wants to offer you some cash and maybe an SUV or two. Do you take them?”

“Only if it’s the last year before you go pro!” Sally said.

“That’s right, Sally. That way, by the time any wrong-doing can be traced back to you, you’ll be long gone and the only people that suffer are your former teammates, coaches and fans,” I said.

“But Mr. H, why would you need a lot of cash and other perks if you’re getting a free college education? Especially if it’s against the rules,” Devin asked.

“Because. Class, how many Bentleys can you buy with a college scholarship?”

“None!” They shouted in unison.

“That’s right. None. It’s all about the bling, kids. Learn that now and you’ll be ahead of the game. Now what’s one thing that you never want to accept?”

“Accountability,” Timmy said.

“And how do we avoid accountability, Timmy?”

“Blame the quarterback, blame the coaches, blame the media and if all else fails, accuse a teammate of being gay,” he said.

“Excellent! Everyone write that down,” I said.

“Mr. H, my dad says it’s not right to cheat,” Bobby said.

“He does, huh? What does your dad do for a living, Bobby?”

“He’s a doctor. He saves peoples’ lives.”

“Okay. And how many championship rings does he have?”

“None,” Bobby responded.

“And how often is he on TV?”

“Never,” he said.

“So, do you want to be like your dad and make a difference in the world by saving peoples’ lives, or do you want to be on TV?” I asked.

“Ummm… be on TV,” Bobby said.

“Alright, then lets continue. What can you start shaving before you hit puberty that doesn’t require a razor?”

“Points,” Johnny answered. “And make friends with the mob because they love to financially back point-shaving operations,” he added.

“Outstanding,” I told him.

“At my little league game last week, I grounded out to end the inning and someone from the stands said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get ‘em next time.’ I pulled first base out of the ground and threw it at him. Was that okay?” asked little Frank.

“Absolutely. Don’t take any crap from the fans.”

“Mr. H, if the ump calls me out, can I hit him with the bat?" Sally asked.

“A better idea would be to walk back toward the dugout, then throw the bat at him,” I answered. “That way, you can say it flew out of your hand or you were just tossing it to the next guy up. And who knows another way to get back at the ump?”

“Sleep with his wife!” Came a shout from the back.

“You kids are learning so fast,” I said.

Any Chance They're Drinking O'Douls?

A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I went out to dinner and we saw a couple sitting a few tables over from us enjoying 24 oz. glasses of beer. Normally this wouldn’t have stuck out at all, except in this instance both the man and the woman were at least 80 years old.

My first thought was, “Good for them. It’s nice to see an elderly couple getting out and throwing back a few brewskis.”

My second thought was, “Oh my God, I hope we’re not behind them on the highway,” which was followed immediately by, “Oh my God, I hope we’re not in front of them on the highway,” and then, “Oh my God, I hope we’re not next to them on the highway.”

Did you ever notice that there’s a minimum age limit to drink and a minimum age limit to drive, but there isn’t a maximum age limit for either? Now, I’m not proposing anything. I'm just sayin’ – something to think about.

Just a Little Pick-Me-Up

Here’s an open question to all the tea, soda and energy drink companies: Just how much energy do you think I need?

Every time I turn around there’s a new bone-rattling drink that promises to give me more energy than the last. And to be sure I know what each drink is designed to do, they all have names like ‘Super Energy’ and ‘Super Supreme Energy’ and ‘Super Max-O Energy Blastoff.’ At least none of these beverage companies can be accused of false advertising. One look at the list of ingredients reveals that most of these sleep-depriving drinks have enough sugar and caffeine to equal 5-6 grams of horse cocaine.

Then there’s the commercials. They all have spokespeople who sound like they’re being tortured. Believe it or not, they make me want to go out and buy one, but only because I’m exhausted after listening to the ads.

Local radio commercials for one of these liquid treats claims those who drink it will get “obscene energy.” Really? Not an obscene amount of energy; just obscene energy. Hmmm… I don’t think I want any, but can I make other people drink it? Is that what the guy at the bus station is always sipping on? Maybe this is the excuse Senator Larry Craig should have used.

“Look, just before I went into the bathroom, I had this drink that gave me obscene energy. What do you expect?”

So who do they think wants this much energy, Olympic athletes? I have a six-month old son, which means I get roughly 47 minutes of sleep a night, but I still don’t want a pick-me-up like that. If I have just a regular cup of coffee on an empty stomach, I can see through drywall. I’m not sure what I’d do with more energy. Something obscene, apparently.

Obviously these drinks, like most products today, are aimed at kids and teenagers. But have you ever known anyone under 20 who needs more energy? And what exactly would they do with the rush they get from ‘Extreme Boost 3000,’ work the controller on their Playstation at warp speed?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m sure the demand for all this extra energy exists. I mean, we’re a nation of Twinkies with feet, so getting that extra boost is going to be hard for a lot of people. But if we use this extra energy to play Grand Theft Auto 49, instead of burning it off, we’re only going to get fatter thanks to all the surplus sugar.

But hey, I’m no health czar. Feel free to slurp down as many as you want. Just remember – you might want to wait until you come out of the bathroom.