I know you’re not going to care about this because no one ever cares about what I’m about to tell you. If we bother to engage in this activity at all, we only want to talk about how the activity affects us personally. We couldn't care less when it applies to someone else. And even though it comes up as a matter of conversation every year, at the same point in the year, and somehow manages to be the topic on everyone’s lips for a two-week stretch, after those first two weeks no one cares anymore. And we certainly don’t care when other people start talking about it.
But here goes: I made a New Year’s resolution this year.
It’s the first time I can remember doing so. I know, I know. That doesn’t captivate you anymore than if I had said I make one every year. So what, right? You’re right. I’ll try harder to keep you interested.
I’ve never made a resolution before because I’ve always thought I was perfect in every way.
Ok, that’s not true. I just tried saying something outlandish to keep your attention. I’ve never really made them before, not because I didn’t think there was something I could do to better myself or the world around me, but because I just never gave it much thought. Seemed like something to do if you wanted to quit smoking or lose some weight. But this year I thought, “What the hell.”
So are you ready? Here it is: I’m finally going to tell the police about that body I found.
Ok, that’s not true either (I’ll never tell them). My real resolution is to try to be a more patient dad. The results so far have been… mixed.
After making it, it dawned on me that if I wanted to achieve my goal more easily, I probably picked the wrong year for this particular resolution. With two kids, I would have been better off making this resolution while one of them, perhaps the older one, was still a fetus. Instead I picked a year in which the younger child just turned two, and the older one will soon turn four.
But I’m finding that if I can in fact become a more patient parent, this is the year in which it will truly be an accomplishment. In the three short weeks that have passed in 2011, I’ve decided the biggest obstacle standing in my way is the questions. The constant, unending questions that force me to talk to one or sometimes even both of them.
The little one is trying to make sense of the world, so she’s curious about everything.
“What are you doing, Daddy?”
“I’m getting your jammies.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s your bedtime.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s the end of the day and you need to rest so you’ll be ready for tomorrow.”
“Why?”
“Because without your rest, you’ll be cranky in the morning.”
“Why?”
“That’s just how our bodies work, sweetie.”
“Why?”
“Good night, Ada.”
“Why?”
“I love you.”
“Why?”
(Sigh).
The older one is full of questions as well, but he doesn’t even care about the answers, he just wants to be sure that three consecutive seconds never pass without filling the air around him with sound.
“Daddy, where are the markers?”
“Over on the bookcase.”
“Daddy, where are my shoes?”
“I thought you wanted the markers.”
“Daddy, what are we having for dinner?”
“I don’t kn-“
“Daddy, can we go to Grandma’s?”
“What?! Sometime, I guess. Maybe this weekend we c-“
“Daddy…”
“JACK! YOU’RE NOT EVEN LETTING ME ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS! Now enough. This is the last question. What. Do. You. Want?”
“My leg is on fire.”
“Oh. (Slight pause) Ok. Sorry I yelled. Here, let me get the extinguisher.”
Actually, the questions aren’t really that bad when they’re coming from just one source, but my kids like teaming up to try to wear down my wife and I. Their favorite method is to decide which of them is going to throw a screaming fit, and which one will then try to steal attention away from that one.
For instance, if I happen to hand one of them a blue cup instead of a green cup, he or she might start sobbing as if they just watched me run over a bunny with the lawn mower. The other child will then use that precise moment to add to the noise by any means possible; usually by peppering my ears with questions.
“Daddy (or Mommy; they don’t discriminate), can I have a drink? Daddy, can I watch a video? Daddy, why are you crying? Daddy, can I have some money?”
What follows next is either Brigitte or I, or sometimes both of us in tandem, will imitate the hitchhiker in Dumb and Dumber who regrets getting in the giant dog car as Lloyd and Harry try to out-noise each other.
“GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!”
But, since Brigitte typically has more patience, I’m usually the one acting like the hitchhiking gas man. Therefore, the resolution. After all, Lloyd and Harry are just two men trying to have a good time while they drive across the country, and my kids are just… well, kids.
That’s it. I think I just figured out how to be more patient. Patience, you see, lies in three little words.
Giant dog car.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Popular Christmas Song Titles Interwoven in the Typical Newscast Heard Around the Country This Christmas
I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Frosty the Snowman
“The blizzard in the northeast has wreaked havoc on holiday air travel. Dozens of flights into and out of the airport have been cancelled, stranding thousands of travelers. Many people have been forced to spend the night at the airport while waiting to see when or even if their flights will be rescheduled. For more, we go to Tom Claysmith, reporting live from the scene.”
“Thanks, Jim. Lines of confused, angry holiday travelers began weaving their way out the doors sometime Tuesday and have only grown longer as the airlines have provided passengers with plenty of questions, but few answers. We spoke with one woman who feared she wouldn’t get home to see her elderly parents in St. Paul for the holidays. She said if she wasn’t on a plane within the hour, then quote: ‘Blood will rain on everyone at terminal D4.’ Back to you, Jim.”
“Thanks, Tom. Elsewhere around town, highways and interstates are buried under snow and ice, making driving treacherous. Many roads are so bad that snow plows and salt trucks can’t get through, and even a number of tow trucks have had to be towed themselves after getting stuck in snow banks. For more, we go to Diane Morningsong. Diane…”
“Thanks, Jim. Many of those gridlocked downtown are wondering why the city was so ill prepared to deal with a storm of this magnitude. Some are even holding the mayor personally responsible for allowing such a storm to hit at the height of the Christmas season - a time when millions of people take to the streets to do their holiday shopping and to visit loved ones. A majority vote from city council has already called for the mayor’s immediate resignation. The sense here is that with questions still swirling as to what exactly took place on his neighbor’s farm back when he was the city’s sanitation commissioner, Mayor Reynolds has little hope of seeing the end of his term. Back to you.”
Walking In a Winter Wonderland
Winter Is a Marshmallow World
Baby, It’s Cold Outside
“Thanks Diane. In sports, the storm has even thrown a wrench into the NFL’s regular-season schedule, as Sunday’s game between the Vikings and the Eagles was moved to a day other than Thursday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday for the first time in the history of the league and even in the history of all of sports. Some have questioned what kind of precedent this sets for future games and if anyone was thinking of the children. The move received harsh criticism from the governor, who has gone on record to declare that the entire country is made up of ‘Limp-wristed panty waists who might as well just tuck their sacks behind their legs and start drinking Mai-Tai’s all day.’ He went on to say that ‘This nation is run by a bunch of pussies who won’t stop until we’re all eating egg rolls and fortune cookies at every meal.’ This reporter happens to agree with him.
“Now for a look at our weekend forecast with Dave Blitzburg. How’s it looking out there Dave?”
“Well, there’s not much relief in sight, as another storm front is moving in from the west. By Thursday morning we should see another 2-3 inches of the white stuff on the ground, so be prepared for county-wide school closings and skyrocketing divorce rates.”
Sleigh Ride
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Frosty the Snowman
“The blizzard in the northeast has wreaked havoc on holiday air travel. Dozens of flights into and out of the airport have been cancelled, stranding thousands of travelers. Many people have been forced to spend the night at the airport while waiting to see when or even if their flights will be rescheduled. For more, we go to Tom Claysmith, reporting live from the scene.”
“Thanks, Jim. Lines of confused, angry holiday travelers began weaving their way out the doors sometime Tuesday and have only grown longer as the airlines have provided passengers with plenty of questions, but few answers. We spoke with one woman who feared she wouldn’t get home to see her elderly parents in St. Paul for the holidays. She said if she wasn’t on a plane within the hour, then quote: ‘Blood will rain on everyone at terminal D4.’ Back to you, Jim.”
“Thanks, Tom. Elsewhere around town, highways and interstates are buried under snow and ice, making driving treacherous. Many roads are so bad that snow plows and salt trucks can’t get through, and even a number of tow trucks have had to be towed themselves after getting stuck in snow banks. For more, we go to Diane Morningsong. Diane…”
“Thanks, Jim. Many of those gridlocked downtown are wondering why the city was so ill prepared to deal with a storm of this magnitude. Some are even holding the mayor personally responsible for allowing such a storm to hit at the height of the Christmas season - a time when millions of people take to the streets to do their holiday shopping and to visit loved ones. A majority vote from city council has already called for the mayor’s immediate resignation. The sense here is that with questions still swirling as to what exactly took place on his neighbor’s farm back when he was the city’s sanitation commissioner, Mayor Reynolds has little hope of seeing the end of his term. Back to you.”
Walking In a Winter Wonderland
Winter Is a Marshmallow World
Baby, It’s Cold Outside
“Thanks Diane. In sports, the storm has even thrown a wrench into the NFL’s regular-season schedule, as Sunday’s game between the Vikings and the Eagles was moved to a day other than Thursday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday for the first time in the history of the league and even in the history of all of sports. Some have questioned what kind of precedent this sets for future games and if anyone was thinking of the children. The move received harsh criticism from the governor, who has gone on record to declare that the entire country is made up of ‘Limp-wristed panty waists who might as well just tuck their sacks behind their legs and start drinking Mai-Tai’s all day.’ He went on to say that ‘This nation is run by a bunch of pussies who won’t stop until we’re all eating egg rolls and fortune cookies at every meal.’ This reporter happens to agree with him.
“Now for a look at our weekend forecast with Dave Blitzburg. How’s it looking out there Dave?”
“Well, there’s not much relief in sight, as another storm front is moving in from the west. By Thursday morning we should see another 2-3 inches of the white stuff on the ground, so be prepared for county-wide school closings and skyrocketing divorce rates.”
Sleigh Ride
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
