A Former High School Drama Teacher Gets a Job Writing Episode Descriptions for Your DVR

Mad Men
Repeat (May 2012), “Commissions and Fees.” Don is forced to fire Lane after his secret is revealed. Financial troubles and failed business acumen often make for tragic characters, but hardly a Willy Loman does Lane make. However, the set design is unrivaled. (Drama)

Game of Thrones
Repeat (February 2012), “You Win Or You Die.” Ned Stark’s effort to seat the proper heir to the throne is thwarted by Littlefinger. Oh Littlefinger, how deep cuts the knife of betrayal into the back of Ned Stark, keeper of that which your own heart desires! E tu’ Brute? (Drama)

Downton Abbey
Repeat (January 2012), “Episode 4.” Set in early 20^th century England, this BBC production reveals that as heirs to the sprawling Downton estate, Cousin Matthew and Lady Mary still face the same hardships of life and love as George and Emily in humble Grover’s Corners. What’s lacking in action is made up for in quaintness. In this episode, Lady Edith rides in a car with an older man. (Drama)

Parks and Recreation
Repeat (June 2012), “Trial of Leslie Knope.” Leslie’s run for office may prove to be a roadblock in her relationship with Ben. Will government politics prove as fatal to our lovebirds as family politics did for Romeo and Juliet? Leslie, O Leslie! Wherefore art thou, Leslie? Deny thy calling and refuse the arbitrary demands of your constituents! (Comedy)

Duck Dynasty
Repeat (June 2012), “Hallu-Si-Nations.” Si thinks he spots a black panther in the wilderness but fails to convince the other Duck Commander employees. Ahh, Uncle Si. Your merth-making and witty catchalls harkens the mischievous Falstaff. Plagued too was he by the drink, yet yours be of the milder tea variety. And I don’t think Falstaff could have sold as many t-shirts with his face on them. (Reality)

Iron Chef
New (September 2013). Is that Hamlet adorned in that apron?! The latest challenger, hailing from Jacksonville, is thirsty for the reigning king’s (chef’s) blood. Tonight’s secret ingredient: cocktail weenies. (Food)

Tosh.0
New (September 2013), “Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?” The Wizard, Daniel, continues to take advantage of the little people (in this instance it’s footage of a skateboarder injuring his crotch) to pave his own “yellow-bricked” road. (Comedy)

Homeland
Repeat (May 2012), “Marine One.” The ginger-haired Judas (Brody) may not be betraying Jesus, but he is on the verge of betraying his country. The music’s not as good as in Superstar, but the ending will have you on the edge of your seat. (Drama)

Lockup
New (September 2013), “Til Death Do Us Part.” Profile of a new inmate who confessed to killing his wife. This steely-eyed, guilt-ridden figure is hard to look away from for more reasons than just the lure of his mutton chop side burns. His anguish-laced story is one pulled straight from the pages of Dostoyevsky. Also, he complains about the food. (Documentary)

Late Show with David Letterman
New (September 2013). Much like the Phantom, Dave seems to mask who he truly is in front of Susan Sarandon. Also on the show: Marv Albert and the Foo Fighters. (Comedy-Talk)

Breaking Bad
Repeat (November 2012), “Fifty-One.” Skyler takes extreme measures to get the kids away from Walt. OH. MY. GOD. Why does she always have to be such a bitch? (Comedy-Drama)

A Recently Fired TV Writer Gets a Job Writing Episode Descriptions for Your DVR

Razor’s Edge
Repeat (May 2013), “Inside Man.” Jarrod’s motivation for buying his former partner’s failing business is revealed. Witty dialogue and captivating plot twists highlight this week’s tightly-woven tale. Viewers will be on the edge of their seats. (Drama)

Razor’s Edge
New (September 2013), “Change Is In The Air.” Jarrod and Melissa go to counseling. Off screen shakeups over the summer are reflected in the season premiere’s plodding attempt at entertainment. As expected, the storytelling takes a complete nose dive. (Drama)

Razor’s Edge
New (October 2013), “Derailed.” Some old acquaintances return to haunt Jarrod and Melissa, while Yvonne is taken hostage. That was my idea, a**holes! What do you mean "a**holes" won’t be spelled out on the screen? (Drama)

Razor’s Edge
New (October 2013), “Mayday.” Jarrod runs around like his balls are in his wife’s purse. No, I’m not f***ing changing it! That’s an accurate description of the episode! Viewers will likely give up on the show as this once-riveting hour of television becomes virtually unrecognizable. (Drama)

Two Times the Fun
New (October 2013), “Whatever You Say, Boss.” Joe and Bob switch jobs for the day so each can see what the other has to deal with. Are you kidding me? This formulaic concept has been done in every way possible since the advent of television. How does crap like this still get on the air? (Comedy)

A Broil Affair
New (November 2013), “I Feel Like Chicken Tonight.” Featured dish: chicken. Let’s film people cooking. That takes some imagination. (Food)

Topsy Turvey Treehouse
New (November 2013), “Aftermath.” Thomas fakely feuds with Steven while the rest of the fake group fakely figures out who should be the next person fakely voted out of the fake treehouse. Meanwhile, fake Lena fakely cries over fake Chris fakely cheating on her with fake Tonya. FAKE. (Reality)

Caged Desires
New (December 2013), “Love For Sale.” Simone, much like the actress who plays her, continues to benefit from the affair with her boss by receiving a long-awaited promotion. In the biggest cliché move in the industry, the show totally pusses out by making Ricardo’s car accident nothing more than a dream sequence. Oops. Spoiler! (Soap)

Late Show with David Letterman
Repeat (December 2013), Dave’s guests include: Foo Fighters, Marv Albert and the lovely Susan Sarandon. (Comedy-Talk)