Ahh, Halloween. It’s here. You know how I know? Because last Saturday I walked into my nearby hardware store and saw on display row after row of fake Christmas trees. Nothing says Halloween like Christmas trees.
What about all the Halloween stuff, you ask? Did they ever have that out? Oh sure. If you stopped in between the day after Father’s Day and the Fourth of July, you could have bought an assortment of Halloween decorations. Fireworks for your July 4th celebration weren’t available at that time because those were on sale during Groundhog’s Day.
I know the subject of retail stores displaying Christmas items too early has been beaten into the ground, so I won’t do it here (anymore). But seriously. Christmas trees? (I lied)
I expect that from Wal-Mart or Target, but not the hardware store. I know they’re trying to copy other stores who profit from Christmas long before Christmas arrives, but they haven’t quite figured out how. In the seasonal section of the store, right next to the fake trees, they still have barbecue grills and riding lawn mowers for sale. For those that don’t know, I don’t live in southern California or Florida or someplace that sees the sun after October. If people in my town are buying Christmas trees, they aint buying lawn mowers. Make up your mind, hardware store!
So, if you’re a fan of Halloween, hopefully you bought your decorations during the 15 minutes in which they were available. And who isn’t a fan of Halloween? If you’re a kid, you get loads of candy. And the reality is you don’t even have to dress up and walk around the neighborhood burning calories. You can be a true glutton – American style – and just graze on the candy your parents buy to give out to the neighborhood kids. You can also score more candy at school every day during the week leading up to Halloween.
If you’re an adult, you have an excuse to buy loads of candy and the power to yell at your kids, “Hey! That’s for the trick-or-treaters that come over. Put it back,” and then pull out a piece for yourself and eat it right in front of them.
On Halloween, everyone – young and old – also has an excuse to dress up and pretend to be something they’re not. This way, Matthew McConaughey can put on a costume and pretend to be a vampire instead of wearing his usual outfit and pretending to be interesting.
Tons of crappy scary movies hit the theaters around Halloween too, while a lot of good scary movies are shown on TV. For instance, even though I haven’t seen it, I imagine the latest SAW movie, and all the ones before it, is pretty crappy. Then again there have been about 18 of those, so people obviously like them. And to keep audiences coming back for that many sequels, the writers and producers obviously create wildly different plot lines for each one. I’m sure not one SAW movie looks anything like the others, and I would no doubt be completely lost by randomly picking one and watching it without first seeing the ones that came before it. So they’re probably pretty good after all.
For those that prefer movies with a little imagination, this week AMC has been running Alien and The Shining, two classic scary movies with great writing and top-notch directors. However they can’t hold a candle to Poltergeist, the scariest movie of all time. How can I definitively say it’s the scariest movie ever? Because I watched it when I was five or six years old and it gave me nightmares for a week. It’s scary as sh*t.
Now, you might say, “Why don’t you watch it as an adult and see if you still think it’s scary?” Well, I would watch it again except that when I watched it as a kid, it gave me nightmares for a week. It’s scary as sh*t! Did I not say that already?! Pay attention.
I can’t even watch the DirecTV commercial with the little girl from that movie because it’s too spooky. And you know the worst of it? Poltergeist is rated PG. It’s true. Get a hold of a copy and see for yourself. It came out before the PG-13 rating existed, but why it didn’t receive an R rating is beyond me. Aside from all the other freaky things in that movie, did you know there’s a scene in which a guy goes into the bathroom, looks at himself in the mirror and then PEELS HIS FACE OFF? And not the way Fred and Daphne would peel the masks off the bad guys at the end of Scooby Doo. He peels it off in little pieces, exposing a lot of stuff that you wouldn’t see unless you worked with cadavers. And it’s rated PG! Episodes of Desperate Housewives don’t even get that rating. We’ve definitely softened as a society.
But you know what? In some cases that’s a good thing. Sure it’s stupid that nowadays kids who play sports don’t know if they win or lose because no one ever keeps score, but on the flip side we no longer hear anyone say, “Good luck with your Small Pox.”
So yeah, Halloween. Enjoy it.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Ugly Politics? Redundant.
“The man who invests his time in politics, follows it, studies it, believes in it, believes in its ability to sustain, broaden and improve society at large, to empower the common man to create a better life for himself and for those around him, is a man who might as well repeatedly bludgeon his balls with a hammer.” – Mohandas Gandhi
Ok, maybe Gandhi didn’t say that. Or maybe he did. Who knows? He’d probably say it if he were alive today. And living in the United States. And following U.S. politics. And if he lived in my house. And looked remarkably like me. And if he went by my name.
Ok, so maybe it’s just me. Gandhi would certainly deal with today’s nonsense better than I am. But he’d have his hands full.
Consider events of the last couple weeks: 50% of our country’s population openly cheered the fact that the U.S. was not awarded the Olympics, and 100% of the population openly decried the fact that our president was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Ugh.
If some alien life form were to read those two pieces of information, they’d likely think we’re a nation of self-loathers.
But this is not going to dissolve into an attack of one side or the other. That’s the problem. There’s too much attacking. We need something that erodes party lines, something that draws us together to achieve a common good. Something like Abe Lincoln’s “O’ Brotha', My Brotha'” speech.
To accomplish this, here are some things that I think need to happen over the next few weeks to unite us all:
TMZ captures footage of Keith Olbermann and Ann Coulter locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re expecting a child together.
To overcome his state’s tremendous deficit, Arnold Schwarzenegger agrees to sell California to Mexico. To alleviate fears of Californians and U.S. residents as a whole, the governor immediately erects a billboard along the state’s border that reads: “California – Now Owned by Mexico. The Difference? Absolutely Nothing.”
In an effort to end the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq sooner rather than later, President Obama changes tactics by removing all U.S. troops from both regions and replaces them with millions of pigeons and Dick Cheney, armed with nothing but a 12-gauge shotgun. Both countries surrender within 2 and ½ half weeks.
After harkening back to Vice President Joe Biden’s impassioned speech during the 2008 campaign, President Obama assigns Biden to spend the next 10 months riding the train back and forth from work to home, over and over, all day long. Excited, Biden asks the president if he wants him to brainstorm policy issues while spending his days riding the rails. Eager to not break his spirit, Obama smiles and says, “Hey why not?”
Stephen Colbert is awarded the honor of being the key-note speaker at every White House Press Corp dinner from now until his death, no matter who the president is.
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s first grandchild, agrees to pose in Playgirl magazine. That would be hilarious.
President Obama heads to L.A. for another appearance on Jay Leno’s show, presumably to atone for his off-color remark about the Special Olympics the last time he was on the show. Instead, Obama is unable to enter the studio because moments before he arrives, NBC announces it has traded Leno to CBS so that he can fulfill his long-overdue destiny as the replacement for Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.
TMZ captures footage of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re adopting the latest Gosselin child to run away from home.
MSNBC and FOX News agree to massive buyouts from HBO. As part of the agreement, each “news” networks’ correspondents are forced to live on a deserted island, similar to Survivor. The only difference to the popular reality show is that this version is hosted by Ryan Seacrest and the island is completely devoid of any cameras.
In a huge boost to the economy, the federal government raises more than enough money to pay for the funds needed for healthcare reform by tying Michael Moore to a tree on the White House lawn and posting a sign next to him that says, “Kicks to the Groin: $2.”
In a slightly smaller boost to the economy, the government buys the Washington Redskins, then turns around and sells the team to Canada. The Canadians are disappointed later when they learn, in their attempt to replace their most valued citizen, Pamela Anderson, that they misunderstood the U.S. when we said, “We have a bunch of boobs you might be interested in.”
And finally, after years of threatening to expand his country’s nuclear power and making claims that the Holocaust is a myth, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is captured by CIA agents in the middle of the night, stripped of all control of the nation, and forced to marry Kate Gosselin.
Ok, maybe Gandhi didn’t say that. Or maybe he did. Who knows? He’d probably say it if he were alive today. And living in the United States. And following U.S. politics. And if he lived in my house. And looked remarkably like me. And if he went by my name.
Ok, so maybe it’s just me. Gandhi would certainly deal with today’s nonsense better than I am. But he’d have his hands full.
Consider events of the last couple weeks: 50% of our country’s population openly cheered the fact that the U.S. was not awarded the Olympics, and 100% of the population openly decried the fact that our president was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Ugh.
If some alien life form were to read those two pieces of information, they’d likely think we’re a nation of self-loathers.
But this is not going to dissolve into an attack of one side or the other. That’s the problem. There’s too much attacking. We need something that erodes party lines, something that draws us together to achieve a common good. Something like Abe Lincoln’s “O’ Brotha', My Brotha'” speech.
To accomplish this, here are some things that I think need to happen over the next few weeks to unite us all:
TMZ captures footage of Keith Olbermann and Ann Coulter locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re expecting a child together.
To overcome his state’s tremendous deficit, Arnold Schwarzenegger agrees to sell California to Mexico. To alleviate fears of Californians and U.S. residents as a whole, the governor immediately erects a billboard along the state’s border that reads: “California – Now Owned by Mexico. The Difference? Absolutely Nothing.”
In an effort to end the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq sooner rather than later, President Obama changes tactics by removing all U.S. troops from both regions and replaces them with millions of pigeons and Dick Cheney, armed with nothing but a 12-gauge shotgun. Both countries surrender within 2 and ½ half weeks.
After harkening back to Vice President Joe Biden’s impassioned speech during the 2008 campaign, President Obama assigns Biden to spend the next 10 months riding the train back and forth from work to home, over and over, all day long. Excited, Biden asks the president if he wants him to brainstorm policy issues while spending his days riding the rails. Eager to not break his spirit, Obama smiles and says, “Hey why not?”
Stephen Colbert is awarded the honor of being the key-note speaker at every White House Press Corp dinner from now until his death, no matter who the president is.
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s first grandchild, agrees to pose in Playgirl magazine. That would be hilarious.
President Obama heads to L.A. for another appearance on Jay Leno’s show, presumably to atone for his off-color remark about the Special Olympics the last time he was on the show. Instead, Obama is unable to enter the studio because moments before he arrives, NBC announces it has traded Leno to CBS so that he can fulfill his long-overdue destiny as the replacement for Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.
TMZ captures footage of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re adopting the latest Gosselin child to run away from home.
MSNBC and FOX News agree to massive buyouts from HBO. As part of the agreement, each “news” networks’ correspondents are forced to live on a deserted island, similar to Survivor. The only difference to the popular reality show is that this version is hosted by Ryan Seacrest and the island is completely devoid of any cameras.
In a huge boost to the economy, the federal government raises more than enough money to pay for the funds needed for healthcare reform by tying Michael Moore to a tree on the White House lawn and posting a sign next to him that says, “Kicks to the Groin: $2.”
In a slightly smaller boost to the economy, the government buys the Washington Redskins, then turns around and sells the team to Canada. The Canadians are disappointed later when they learn, in their attempt to replace their most valued citizen, Pamela Anderson, that they misunderstood the U.S. when we said, “We have a bunch of boobs you might be interested in.”
And finally, after years of threatening to expand his country’s nuclear power and making claims that the Holocaust is a myth, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is captured by CIA agents in the middle of the night, stripped of all control of the nation, and forced to marry Kate Gosselin.
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