Hello Readers, happy 2020! Even though we’ve turned the page
on another year, and another decade, many of your emails from 2019 expressed
concern for something we will all struggle with for years to come - how to be heard,
and respected, in today’s world of constant noise and relentless messaging that
bombards us on all sides.
This week I’d like to feature a few of the questions I
received over the holidays underlying that very sentiment. Throughout my
responses you’ll recognize a theme. I’m calling this iteration of Reader Q&A,
“Have You Tried the Internet?”
Dear Dr. Heppermann,
I am a forty-something father of
two, whose oldest daughter just turned 14. Lately, I can’t get her to talk to
me for more than a few minutes a day. It seems every time I look up, she has her
head buried in her phone. How can I get her attention?
Ted in Kansas City
Great question. You might be tempted to take away your
daughter’s phone, but that will only cause a rift. Try recording a video of
yourself asking about her day on your own phone. You could forward the video
straight to her, but if you upload it to YouTube, it’ll make a bigger splash.
She’ll appreciate that you’re engaging with a popular form of entertainment and
show her you’re a “cool dad.” Good luck, Ted.
Dear Dr. Heppermann,
I’m
a Geology professor at a private university with a PhD in Environmental
Science. This spring, I’ll once again attend a family reunion on my mother’s
side. Every year at this reunion I try to bring up the importance of climate
change, only to hear a family member tell me it’s rude to discuss “politics.”
How do I get them to hear me out on this serious topic?
Mary
in Seattle
Mary, climate change is a serious topic indeed and I’m glad
to hear of your efforts to spread the word. Why don’t you start a blog and ask all
your relatives to subscribe? People love blogs. And let’s face it, you won’t
have to see any eye rolls from those who disagree with you. Speaking of which –
you might want to argue against the
science of climate change if you want folks to keep coming back. It’s all about
clicks.
Dear Dr. Heppermann,
The
other day I stood outside the estate of a female celebrity and shouted unchivalrous
things toward the house. The police came and removed me from the premises. Then
she filed a restraining order. How do I get her to see what a good guy I am?
Kyle
in Los Angeles
Not sure why you bothered to go outside, Kyle. I tweeted at
my own celebrity crush, saying how visually unappealing she is, thereby making
her an unfit mother. During her next late-night talk show appearance, she read my
tweet on the air and lo’ and behold she started laughing hysterically with the
host and everyone in the audience. I have yet to hear from her, but the next
day I had five million more followers!
Before I get back to the questions, below is a letter I
received from a fan after offering him similar advice:
Dear Dr. Heppermann,
I
wanted to let you know I stubbornly called into a local radio station and complained
on air that the trailer for the “Celestial Feud” movie clearly shows a purple Tortulian
running across the plains of Noomsdie and that’s not possible because purple Tortulians
only live on Humpeldorf and it clearly wasn’t transported to Noomsdie because
it was established three prequels ago that purple Tortulians can’t leave Humpeldorf’
s atmosphere. The on-air personalities accused me of “caring too much” and
being a “psychopath.” BUT when I started the Twitter movement #TheTortuliansOfNoomsdieAreOrange,
thousands of others quickly joined and the impact was immediate. The studio
pushed the movie’s release date out two weeks, called the actors back to set,
and reshot the eight-second scene with an orange Tortulian, obviously recognizing
that fans wouldn’t be satisfied with digitally coloring over the purple Tortulian
or with the studio saving millions of dollars by not making any changes whatsoever.
Internet to the rescue! I’m indebted to you forever.
Rick in Minneapolis
See, Rick gets it. Back to the questions.
Dear Dr. Heppermann,
I
recently attended a “Masked Singer” viewing party and after a particularly
disturbing commercial, I mentioned to the room that women should never endorse
lawn care equipment because their menstrual cycles alter the chemical compounds
in weed killer, causing weeds to multiply and grow to untenable heights. The room
got quiet until Bob broke the tension by saying, “I bet the platypus is Cloris
Leachman.” Maybe my jackass neighbors don’t care, but this issue cannot be
ignored. Suggestions?
Todd
in Des Moines
Todd, I took the liberty of dropping your sentiment in a Reddit
thread and this morning I heard from the leading manufacturer of weed killer in
the United States. All of their packaging will now include the following
statement: “Impervious to female reproductive events.” You’re welcome!
Dear Dr. Heppermann,
I am a marine biologist who has spent
ten years speaking around the globe, including in front of the U.N., about the
rapidly-depleting population of the Blue Horned Puffer Fish. Their dwindling
numbers are disrupting the migratory patterns of their predators and will soon permanently
alter our oceans’ entire ecosystem. No matter what my colleagues and I do, the
problem of hunting these creatures only grows worse. I’d like to point out that I wrote to you eighteen months ago with the
same concern. Please don’t advise that I write some incoherent rant on the
internet. There is way too much content online for it to get noticed.
Janet in Charleston, S.C.
Janet, I hate to break it to you, but this ain’t 2015.
Nothing goes unnoticed on the internet anymore. Take for example the chat room on
long-term urine storage I joined in 2009. Back then it was just me and two
other lonely saps extorting the healing powers of finely-aged, barrel-sealed
horse piss. It was fun for a while, but we eventually got bored and joined
various other chat rooms focusing on squirrel breeding. Then early last year, a
local reporter stumbled upon our ammonia-centric conversations that sat dormant
in the dark recesses of the web until she wrote an online think piece about our
group. Where the three of us may have, at one time, been referred to simply as losers,
now we are known as Pee Collecting Enthusiasts. Apparently we are an internet
subculture that has been called “unstable” and “medically dangerous,” but is
now 8,000 members strong.
Anyway, my point is this: take a picture of yourself wagging
a finger at a plate of fish sticks and post it to Instagram. You’ll be the lead
story on tomorrow’s evening news.
Dear Dr. Heppermann,
Every
week I stand on a street corner and rail against the pro-Marxist teachings that
pulse through the music of Grand Funk Railroad. No one ever listens. What can I
do?
Lewis
in NYC
It’s
called The New York Post comments
section. Sheesh.
