Need a Price Check on the Flush Blaster 3000

We’ve all had to deal with buying things that are a little embarrassing but necessary for whatever reason. Whether it’s some type of anti-fungal cream, feminine “items” (which my wife says aren’t just embarrassing for men to buy), athletic supporters (which don’t actually support athletics, but something all together different), or whatever the case may be.

One thing I’ve never had to buy before that fits this category is a toilet. That is until tonight, when I will purchase my first one. I’ve never thought about the embarrassment that might come with buying a toilet because how often do you buy one? Everywhere I’ve lived, a toilet has been supplied for me. Thankfully, all of the apartments I’ve rented have come equipped with at least one, and of the condo and now house that I’ve bought, both of the previous owners were kind enough to leave theirs behind (no pun intended).

And if you’ve ever built a home, chances are the builders had toilets installed by the time you moved in and just added them to your bill (unless you really cheaped out). So, unless you’re a builder or a contractor or you’ve lived in the same house for a long time, you probably haven’t bought a lot of them, right?

At any rate, I have to buy a toilet. And I don’t want to.

If I was working as a cashier and somebody came through my line with a toilet, my first thought would be, “Finally getting some indoor plumbing, huh? Get tired of using the hole in your back yard? You’re really moving up, buddy. Good for you.”

My next thought would be that this person in my line has always had indoor plumbing, but somehow broke his previous toilet. And do you really want to be the guy that is believed to have broken his toilet? The whole store is watching you carry a toilet to the checkout lanes and thinking about the abuse you put the last one through. “Whoa, wonder what that guy eats?” people start asking each other. “I’d hate to follow him into the bathroom, ha ha ha.”

For the record, the toilet in our downstairs bathroom has a huge crack in the bowl that is days away from sending water all over the floor and into the hallway. And it was there before we moved in. (Before you ask – yes, it’s probably covered under our home warranty, but we have to pay $75 for an inspector to come out before it’s replaced, and a decent toilet is only $10 more than that, so it’s not worth calling our warranty provider.) But the sales guy at the hardware store doesn’t want to hear some long story.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes, I need to buy a toilet. It’s not the first toilet I’ve ever had, I just need to replace a broken one. But I didn’t break it. I don’t have horrible digestive problems or anything. My diet is very balanced. I don’t even go all that often. My doctor says I could go two or three more times a day and still be considered normal. I’m not a weirdo. I just bought a house and one of the toilets has a crack in it. But I don’t know how it got there. It could have been caused by anything, really. Maybe there was an earthquake and the previous owners never got it fixed. I’m sure they had normal diets too. There’s no way to tell.”

“Uh… it’s time for my break.”

So you see my dilemma. I’ll remain quiet and just hope the store isn’t crowded when I get there. But if anybody asks, I’m going to say, “It’s not for me, it’s for a friend.”