Unless you tend to fall on your head a lot, you know that for the last few years nothing has been more popular than vampires. Every summer the production studios release at least 12 movies that either star vampires or are written by vampires or are directed by vampires or are seen by vampires. These movies are based on a series of widely-read novels about vampires that were also written by a vampire. HBO airs a popular drama featuring vampires that is also based on a series of novels, but a series of novels that are entirely different from the series of novels that the summer movies are based on and that are written by an entirely different vampire.
There’s no escaping them. Vampires are in our gyms, our offices, attending our law schools and passing our immigration reform. But I don’t understand the appeal. They’re not scary. And it doesn’t help that nowadays vampires want nothing but to be accepted by the rest of society. What the hell is that? Talk about a generation of pansies. In my day, vampires didn’t give a damn if you liked them; you were getting drained of your bodily fluids whether you sent them a Facebook friend request or not.
Not anymore. Now they’re all like, “Why doesn’t anyone love me? I just want to be like a normal person. Then again, I’m bad for you. You don’t want me to bite you and drag you into my world. It’s too much drama. You should find a guy who plays in a band, or that nice Jewish boy who works in the deli. I hear his dad is a dentist. I know, that’s weird that I’d put in a good word for anybody related to a dentist, right? But they’re harmless. I actually try to see one pretty regularly. You wouldn’t believe what I get stuck in my teeth. Your phone? No, I didn’t hear anything. Well, if you have to go, you have to go. Nah, I’ll be alright. That’s ok, you don’t have to come over later. Do what you need to do. I should probably work on that paper anyway. Ok, see you later.”
You know what’s a lot scarier than vampires? Mosquitoes. They suck blood too, but their bites don’t do anything cool like make me immortal. And mosquitoes are unrelenting. At least vampires can be warded off with a garlic necklace, but you could marinade for a day and a half in “bug spray” and be lucky to only have 27 mosquito bites after walking to the mailbox and back.
And evil laughs and bad Transylvanian accents are nothing compared to that buzzing sound from a mosquito that is hovering just outside your ear. So I guess it’s not enough that their itchy bites are annoying, they have to sound annoying too.
Mosquitoes are what send us running inside, fearful of the night. They’re horrifying. So why aren’t there hundreds of best-selling novels about girls falling in love with mosquitoes? Ok, you’re right. That would be stupid. There should be hundreds of best-selling novels about girls falling in love with creatures that are half man, half mosquito. And not just novels, but movies and TV shows as well. We let vampires infiltrate every outlet of entertainment, so that would only be fair.
The hunky, brooding man-mosquitoes could be forced to stay inside during the winter months, thriving only in hot, wet environments. A swarm of lake-living man-mosquitoes could take up a territorial battle against a swarm of swamp-living man-mosquitoes, and the girl-bird who is the love interest of one of the lake-living man mosquitoes could be under the spell of one of the swamp-living man-mosquitoes, so the lake-living man-mosquito has to choose between saving the girl-bird or helping his swarm defend their turf.
Or maybe the protagonist mosquito could fly into a town that’s broken off from the rest of society, and instead of having blood flowing through their veins, the townspeople are filled with some sort of green ooze. Then after biting everyone, the mosquito goes back to his swarm and starts infecting the rest of his colony with a disease given to him by the mutant humans, instead of the other way around. The possibilities are endless.
If we want scary, suspenseful forms of entertainment that are based on even a fraction of reality, then this is the only way to go. When all the kids rush to the theaters next year to watch a big budget movie about sexy, angst-ridden, teenager mosquitoes, remember that you heard it here first.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The State Disaster Panel Hears the Annual Arguments
Membership Panel that Oversees the Doling Out of American Catastrophes Hears Each State’s Argument for Why It Should Not Be the Recipient of the Next Natural Disaster
Panel Chairman: Alright, I apologize for this meeting spilling over into a third day, but there are just so many of you. These things were a lot easier when there were only 13 colonies. Anyway, just to remind everyone, now that the oil mess in the Gulf looks to be under control, it’s time to decide which of you should be next on the quote-unquote, hit list. In the last five years, Louisiana has obviously dealt with a major hurricane and the BP disaster, so it has a pass for the next six months. Also, keep in mind that even though the final judging isn’t official, Michigan is most likely off the hook this year because of its economic woes, and Ohio will probably get off easy because by all appearances it has never recovered from its last disaster. Whatever it was.
We only have two of you left to plead your case, so hopefully we’ll be out of here before lunch. Florida, you’re up.
Florida: Well, I’m sure most of you are aware that due to the economic downturn, I’ve experienced plummeting home prices the last couple years. My tourism industry was hurt this summer as well due to tar balls washing up on a lot of my beaches. Granted, it wasn’t nearly as bad as what Louisiana experienced, but still. A lot of people forget, but I also suffered damage due to a handful of hurricanes that hit my shores the same year as Katrina. Again, not nearly as bad, but I don’t think ALL the sympathy should be reserved for New Orleans. And I’m still the butt of jokes for the 2000 Presidential Election. I mean, seriously. That was 10 years ago!
(Shout from the back) Are yous kiddin’ me?! Yous assholes just got LeBron James!
Chairman (banging gavel furiously): New York, we’ve had enough of your outbursts! You’re dangerously close to getting tazed.
Alright, you’ve made your point, Florida. Last but not least, if they’re lucky (laughter trickles throughout the panel members), New Jersey. State your case.
New Jersey: Ok, well, going off what my colleague Florida was just saying, for all of his confused elderly and NASCAR-appreciating citizens, I am the butt of far more jokes than he is. New Jersey is everybody’s favorite whipping boy. And now that reality show just got picked up for a second season. You all probably think that’s a perfect reason to pick me, but let me tell you, it’s humiliating. I don’t think I’m off base when I say that choosing me would be too obvious. Be creative! Be original. Think outside the box.
Panelist #12: Hold it right there. You made a very convincing argument right up until you said, ‘think outside the box.’ How about YOU think outside the box by NOT saying the phrase, ‘think outside the box.’ You’re back on the list.
(Just then Maine drunkenly stands on its seat, uses one hand to point an angry finger at the panel and its other hand to lewdly grab itself)
Maine: Oh yeah, well you’re back on this list!
Chairman (more gavel banging): That’s enough! We warned you last time, Maine. Security, remove The Pine Tree State from the proceedings. (Puts hand over mic and turns to panelists on his right) I mean it – this is the last year they’ll be allowed to bring in outside alcohol.
Panelist #3 (whispering to Panelist #8): Wow. I can’t believe Maine was the first to get thrown out. I thought for sure it would be Nevada.
Panelist #8 (whispering to Panelist #3): My money was on Wisconsin, but man, she can really hold her liquor.
Chairman: OK, let’s get back on track, people. Each of you has had a chance to speak, so before we adjourn to make our decision, let me just address some points of interest with a few of you.
Arizona – You should know right off the bat that you’re a leading candidate. You hate all your residents, anyway. You’re practically begging for some kind of disaster to occur. And good Lord, could you be any hotter? And we’re not talking about being popular or really attractive. We’re talking about the f#@*ing heat. How can you stand it? You really think it makes a difference that there’s no humidity? That’s supposed to make up for the fact that we have to breathe sand? I think if you were suddenly catapulted to the sun, not many states would openly weep. And you wouldn’t notice a difference.
California – I think we’re split down the middle on your fate. I mean, you have your regular slate of disasters – fires, mudslides, earthquakes. On the other hand, it’d be tough for a state to be more pompous. You’ve got your beaches, your movie stars, your overpriced… well, everything. And let’s not forget your weather is almost as obnoxiously nice as Arizona’s is obnoxiously hot. Then there’s the fact that you wouldn’t convict a celebrity for double murder if he molested your child at his fantasy ranch and then videotaped himself beating you alongside a bunch of police officers after a minor traffic violation. And, you know… committed double murder.
Kansas - Sheesh. Where do I start? Let’s just say you’re lucky Darwin’s not on this panel.
And New Hampshire - That little fling you’re having with a certain Canadian province that shall remain nameless? It’s not as secret as you think it is. Turns out one of our members got a hold of an e-mail you sent her and I don’t think your wife would be too happy with what you wrote. Not only that, but you are sick, man. Absolutely sick.
Let’s see… who else, who else? Oh yeah, Oregon – Waah, waah, waah, waah, waah. Come on! You didn’t even make a case for yourself. You just went on and on about ‘Can’t we all just live in peace and love and harmony? Why do we have to have disasters and suffering?’ Auuugggghhhh (mockingly sticks finger down throat). I swear, if Lewis and Clark weren’t already dead, I’d kill them myself.
And Georgia – The panel will definitely take into account that unfortunate incident that a few of our members had when they pulled into one of your truck stops along I-75 last year. What’s that? The owners of the truck stop didn’t know who they were? Well, maybe next time they won’t get so wide eyed at the sight of ‘out-of-towners.’
Ok, I think that’s it. Rest assured, we will factor in Maine’s complete lack of respect for this panel and for all of you. We’re going to talk it over, then let’s reconvene at 11 a.m. for the big announcement. Just a reminder, the next disaster on the docket involves millions of strains of the Ebola virus being dropped into your largest city’s supply of drinking water. Keep your fingers crossed!
Panel Chairman: Alright, I apologize for this meeting spilling over into a third day, but there are just so many of you. These things were a lot easier when there were only 13 colonies. Anyway, just to remind everyone, now that the oil mess in the Gulf looks to be under control, it’s time to decide which of you should be next on the quote-unquote, hit list. In the last five years, Louisiana has obviously dealt with a major hurricane and the BP disaster, so it has a pass for the next six months. Also, keep in mind that even though the final judging isn’t official, Michigan is most likely off the hook this year because of its economic woes, and Ohio will probably get off easy because by all appearances it has never recovered from its last disaster. Whatever it was.
We only have two of you left to plead your case, so hopefully we’ll be out of here before lunch. Florida, you’re up.
Florida: Well, I’m sure most of you are aware that due to the economic downturn, I’ve experienced plummeting home prices the last couple years. My tourism industry was hurt this summer as well due to tar balls washing up on a lot of my beaches. Granted, it wasn’t nearly as bad as what Louisiana experienced, but still. A lot of people forget, but I also suffered damage due to a handful of hurricanes that hit my shores the same year as Katrina. Again, not nearly as bad, but I don’t think ALL the sympathy should be reserved for New Orleans. And I’m still the butt of jokes for the 2000 Presidential Election. I mean, seriously. That was 10 years ago!
(Shout from the back) Are yous kiddin’ me?! Yous assholes just got LeBron James!
Chairman (banging gavel furiously): New York, we’ve had enough of your outbursts! You’re dangerously close to getting tazed.
Alright, you’ve made your point, Florida. Last but not least, if they’re lucky (laughter trickles throughout the panel members), New Jersey. State your case.
New Jersey: Ok, well, going off what my colleague Florida was just saying, for all of his confused elderly and NASCAR-appreciating citizens, I am the butt of far more jokes than he is. New Jersey is everybody’s favorite whipping boy. And now that reality show just got picked up for a second season. You all probably think that’s a perfect reason to pick me, but let me tell you, it’s humiliating. I don’t think I’m off base when I say that choosing me would be too obvious. Be creative! Be original. Think outside the box.
Panelist #12: Hold it right there. You made a very convincing argument right up until you said, ‘think outside the box.’ How about YOU think outside the box by NOT saying the phrase, ‘think outside the box.’ You’re back on the list.
(Just then Maine drunkenly stands on its seat, uses one hand to point an angry finger at the panel and its other hand to lewdly grab itself)
Maine: Oh yeah, well you’re back on this list!
Chairman (more gavel banging): That’s enough! We warned you last time, Maine. Security, remove The Pine Tree State from the proceedings. (Puts hand over mic and turns to panelists on his right) I mean it – this is the last year they’ll be allowed to bring in outside alcohol.
Panelist #3 (whispering to Panelist #8): Wow. I can’t believe Maine was the first to get thrown out. I thought for sure it would be Nevada.
Panelist #8 (whispering to Panelist #3): My money was on Wisconsin, but man, she can really hold her liquor.
Chairman: OK, let’s get back on track, people. Each of you has had a chance to speak, so before we adjourn to make our decision, let me just address some points of interest with a few of you.
Arizona – You should know right off the bat that you’re a leading candidate. You hate all your residents, anyway. You’re practically begging for some kind of disaster to occur. And good Lord, could you be any hotter? And we’re not talking about being popular or really attractive. We’re talking about the f#@*ing heat. How can you stand it? You really think it makes a difference that there’s no humidity? That’s supposed to make up for the fact that we have to breathe sand? I think if you were suddenly catapulted to the sun, not many states would openly weep. And you wouldn’t notice a difference.
California – I think we’re split down the middle on your fate. I mean, you have your regular slate of disasters – fires, mudslides, earthquakes. On the other hand, it’d be tough for a state to be more pompous. You’ve got your beaches, your movie stars, your overpriced… well, everything. And let’s not forget your weather is almost as obnoxiously nice as Arizona’s is obnoxiously hot. Then there’s the fact that you wouldn’t convict a celebrity for double murder if he molested your child at his fantasy ranch and then videotaped himself beating you alongside a bunch of police officers after a minor traffic violation. And, you know… committed double murder.
Kansas - Sheesh. Where do I start? Let’s just say you’re lucky Darwin’s not on this panel.
And New Hampshire - That little fling you’re having with a certain Canadian province that shall remain nameless? It’s not as secret as you think it is. Turns out one of our members got a hold of an e-mail you sent her and I don’t think your wife would be too happy with what you wrote. Not only that, but you are sick, man. Absolutely sick.
Let’s see… who else, who else? Oh yeah, Oregon – Waah, waah, waah, waah, waah. Come on! You didn’t even make a case for yourself. You just went on and on about ‘Can’t we all just live in peace and love and harmony? Why do we have to have disasters and suffering?’ Auuugggghhhh (mockingly sticks finger down throat). I swear, if Lewis and Clark weren’t already dead, I’d kill them myself.
And Georgia – The panel will definitely take into account that unfortunate incident that a few of our members had when they pulled into one of your truck stops along I-75 last year. What’s that? The owners of the truck stop didn’t know who they were? Well, maybe next time they won’t get so wide eyed at the sight of ‘out-of-towners.’
Ok, I think that’s it. Rest assured, we will factor in Maine’s complete lack of respect for this panel and for all of you. We’re going to talk it over, then let’s reconvene at 11 a.m. for the big announcement. Just a reminder, the next disaster on the docket involves millions of strains of the Ebola virus being dropped into your largest city’s supply of drinking water. Keep your fingers crossed!
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