On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a double CD of all my "favorite" Christmas songs, which of course includes "The 12 Days of Christmas." I hate that song.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… She knows I don't have a CD player any more. Not even in my car. What am I going to do with a double CD? At least I have an excuse not to listen to that song.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… I mean, how do we even get to the third day of Christmas anyway? Christmas is one f*#king day a year. One. If you want to count Christmas Eve, I guess I’ll let that slide, but that’s only two days at the most. This isn’t Hanukah we’re talking about, and even if it were, Hanukah is eight days. And believe me, Hanukah fans aren’t going to be excited about something that advertises 12 days, but only delivers eight.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… if she gives me four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge, she also better give me that signed pre-nup I’ve been asking her for.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… and how many novelty versions of this song can we hear? The writers of these songs all think that theirs is absolutely hilarious; that we gladly listen to their kooky take on the classic Christmas hymn all the way through. But the “funny” versions are even worse than the original. Come to think of it, I bet I haven’t heard the original version in 15 years. But there’s certainly another uproarious knockoff coming up right after this commercial break.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a night on the town, and I am getting HAMMERED.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… it is New Year’s Day and I am hungover. How about a bottle of Advil and a trashcan next to the bed because there’s no way I’m stumbling to the toilet every time something comes back up today.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… eight maids a-milking? You actually got me eight maids a-milking? Wow. That’s pretty remarkable. And they didn’t come with any cows, which makes them, like, way better. I don’t really know what to say. Thanks, babe!
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… nine ladies dancing?! Are you serious?! You’re incredible! I can’t believe you’re ok with this. Come again? Yeah, no you’re right – the song’s not so bad after all. I mean, it’s long and kind of annoying and most of the gifts are pretty awful if you think about… you know what, you know what… you’re right, you’re right. It’s a great song. It’s a fantastic song. Could you move a little to the left? Thanks.
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love… that’s ok, I’m gonna stop you right there. You really shouldn’t invest any more in this relationship. After the last two days, there’s no going back to “us.” You won’t be able to recover from what’s gone on, and I don’t have it in me to try to cover it up, so let’s just go our separate ways before you get hurt.
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a threatening text message. But I can’t worry about that now. I need to get a hold of a real maid. Like an actual cleaning lady. Preferably an undocumented one because this place needs to be hosed down by someone who knows what they’re doing.
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a puppy. Which is totally her way of getting back at me because I asked for a food processor.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The Out-of-Touch, Not to Mention Gossipy, Christmas Letter
Merry Christmas from the Conroys!
Can you believe it’s already the holiday season?! Where does the time go? We know that a lot of you, like us, are struggling through tumultuous financial situations, but we hope you had a year filled with as many blessings as we had. There is so much news it’s hard to know where to begin.
Some of you may have heard me talk this year about the progress I made in my conditioning regime. My personal trainer was quite proud of the two and a half minutes I shaved off my marathon time in the fall compared to my marathon time in the spring. Given what we’re all going through, it’s hard sometimes to justify having a personal trainer, but Clay has obviously helped me make great strides (Oops! No pun intended!). Of course I could have done without making my television debut on the Channel 6 news immediately after the race. How about a few minutes to shower and put on some make up, fellas? LOL! But at least I looked presentable on Channel 10 a few weeks later when their on-the-spot reporter asked questions about the domestic incident at our neighbors’ house. The police arrived when Burt was throwing Connie’s wardrobe out the front door and Channel 10 showed up shortly thereafter. Poor Connie. Her plus-sized clothing was strewn all over the lawn. She’s put on a lot of weight this past year, no doubt due to the stress caused by the rough patch that she and Burt are going through.
Thanks to the unseasonably mild temperatures, we enjoyed many afternoons on the boat this summer. With the economy impacting all of us the way it has, we thought about downgrading to a 40ft. model, but with the girls going off to college in a few years, we realized that we only have a limited number of “family boat days” left. It’s important to make the most of the time we have because you never know what lies ahead. Our family excursions used to include Tom’s good friend, Hank Donaldson, and his wife, but the Donaldsons didn’t join us this year because Hank’s health was in flux. We think he’s had erectile issues the last few months, so our thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family.
On a happier note, our younger daughter, Carla, was the hit of her middle school’s piano recital last month. All of her hard work really paid off as she wowed the audience with her rendition of Bach’s “Minuet in D Minor.” Tom and I were concerned at first about splurging on a new baby grand for Carla to practice on, especially since we’ve all had to cut back lately and our other one is just three years old. But she’s proving that it was a great investment! If you’re thinking of signing your child up for piano lessons, we highly recommend Carla’s teacher, Judy Wanstaff. She is outstanding and impeccably credentialed. Carla’s performance alone was a testament to Judy’s knowledge and overall philosophy. We think she might be a lesbian, but nevertheless she’s a very lovely person.
That convertible Mercedes SL Roadster that we’re all sitting on in the enclosed photo is Taylor’s Christmas gift for her high school track team making nationals. It might seem garish, particularly given the economic hardship that so many of us are going through, but if you knew of all the obstacles her team had to overcome, I think you’d agree she deserves every inch of the leather interior. Taylor’s squad had to go nearly the entire season without their captain, Cindy Cinderbaum, who left the team at the beginning of the season. The rumor going around the school was that Cindy had to quit after she contracted a sexually transmitted disease. I’m not sure which one it was, but even if I knew, that’s not the type of thing you disclose in a Christmas letter. At any rate, I’m sure you’re as inspired as we are by Taylor’s resolve. Now if we can just get her to use those darn turn signals!
We hope to see you all this holiday season. We’ll be doing our typical Christmas ski trip to Aspen, but the rest of December will be pretty quiet for the Conroys. Thanks to all the economic uncertainty, we decided to cancel our New Year’s plans in Hawaii. Too bad we can’t all be part of the “1 percent,” right?
If we don’t get a chance to see you before January, here’s wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year!
Sincerely,
Roxanne, Tom, Taylor and Carla
XOXOXO
Can you believe it’s already the holiday season?! Where does the time go? We know that a lot of you, like us, are struggling through tumultuous financial situations, but we hope you had a year filled with as many blessings as we had. There is so much news it’s hard to know where to begin.
Some of you may have heard me talk this year about the progress I made in my conditioning regime. My personal trainer was quite proud of the two and a half minutes I shaved off my marathon time in the fall compared to my marathon time in the spring. Given what we’re all going through, it’s hard sometimes to justify having a personal trainer, but Clay has obviously helped me make great strides (Oops! No pun intended!). Of course I could have done without making my television debut on the Channel 6 news immediately after the race. How about a few minutes to shower and put on some make up, fellas? LOL! But at least I looked presentable on Channel 10 a few weeks later when their on-the-spot reporter asked questions about the domestic incident at our neighbors’ house. The police arrived when Burt was throwing Connie’s wardrobe out the front door and Channel 10 showed up shortly thereafter. Poor Connie. Her plus-sized clothing was strewn all over the lawn. She’s put on a lot of weight this past year, no doubt due to the stress caused by the rough patch that she and Burt are going through.
Thanks to the unseasonably mild temperatures, we enjoyed many afternoons on the boat this summer. With the economy impacting all of us the way it has, we thought about downgrading to a 40ft. model, but with the girls going off to college in a few years, we realized that we only have a limited number of “family boat days” left. It’s important to make the most of the time we have because you never know what lies ahead. Our family excursions used to include Tom’s good friend, Hank Donaldson, and his wife, but the Donaldsons didn’t join us this year because Hank’s health was in flux. We think he’s had erectile issues the last few months, so our thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family.
On a happier note, our younger daughter, Carla, was the hit of her middle school’s piano recital last month. All of her hard work really paid off as she wowed the audience with her rendition of Bach’s “Minuet in D Minor.” Tom and I were concerned at first about splurging on a new baby grand for Carla to practice on, especially since we’ve all had to cut back lately and our other one is just three years old. But she’s proving that it was a great investment! If you’re thinking of signing your child up for piano lessons, we highly recommend Carla’s teacher, Judy Wanstaff. She is outstanding and impeccably credentialed. Carla’s performance alone was a testament to Judy’s knowledge and overall philosophy. We think she might be a lesbian, but nevertheless she’s a very lovely person.
That convertible Mercedes SL Roadster that we’re all sitting on in the enclosed photo is Taylor’s Christmas gift for her high school track team making nationals. It might seem garish, particularly given the economic hardship that so many of us are going through, but if you knew of all the obstacles her team had to overcome, I think you’d agree she deserves every inch of the leather interior. Taylor’s squad had to go nearly the entire season without their captain, Cindy Cinderbaum, who left the team at the beginning of the season. The rumor going around the school was that Cindy had to quit after she contracted a sexually transmitted disease. I’m not sure which one it was, but even if I knew, that’s not the type of thing you disclose in a Christmas letter. At any rate, I’m sure you’re as inspired as we are by Taylor’s resolve. Now if we can just get her to use those darn turn signals!
We hope to see you all this holiday season. We’ll be doing our typical Christmas ski trip to Aspen, but the rest of December will be pretty quiet for the Conroys. Thanks to all the economic uncertainty, we decided to cancel our New Year’s plans in Hawaii. Too bad we can’t all be part of the “1 percent,” right?
If we don’t get a chance to see you before January, here’s wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year!
Sincerely,
Roxanne, Tom, Taylor and Carla
XOXOXO
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