A recent poll of Americans found that 65% of those surveyed believe President Barak Obama would better handle an alien invasion than presidential-hopeful Mitt Romney. In an odd turn of events, alien life forms known as the Roarnacks heard this and abducted the two men to see what, if any, dangers might exist should they decide to invade Earth. Below is what transpired.
Alien Leader (AL): “Greetings gentlemen, welcome aboard.”
Obama: “You speak English. That’s impressive.”
AL: “We speak over 300 languages, and we have nearly all the accents down. Even German. But we prefer to leave out the shouting. So much shouting with the Germans.”
Romney: “Well that’s great,” he says with a big smile. “I love aliens. You know, my dad was born in Mexico. Maybe we should all sing the Mexican national anthem?”
Neither Obama nor the alien leader look interested in singing.
Romney: “Maybe later. Say, where are you from?”
AL: “I doubt you’ve heard of it.”
Romney: “Oh I’ve been all over this great universe of ours, my friend. The family and I came up here once for our summer vacation. Brought the dog along too, but he didn’t quite make it back through re-entry. But hey, at least we don’t eat them like this guy here.” (points his thumb at Obama)
AL: (rolls his eyes and sighs) “We’re two galaxies over. We like to tell people we’re from Xenoremslad, but technically it’s a suburb of Xenoremslad.”
Romeny: “Ah yes, it’s beautiful there this time of year,” Romney says unjokingly.
AL: “It’s been burning for 500 years.”
Obama: “Ha! Nice try, Mitt.”
AL: “Gentlemen, I must say, it was surprisingly easy to get by the security for both of you and bring you aboard our ship.”
Romney: “Well I’m not surprised that the President’s Secret Service detail couldn’t stop you. I’m sure they were entertaining some Brazilian prostitutes at the time.”
AL: “Brazilian what?”
Romney: “Prostitutes. They’re women you pay for sex. Well, technically they can be men too, but usually they’re women. Although, the president’s all for gay marriage now, so I’m sure his attitude has helped broaden the extracurricular activities of his staff members. If you catch my drift.”
AL: “Wait, wait, wait. You have to pay women to reproduce with you?”
Romney: “Not all the time, no. You’re actually not allowed to by law, but I’m sure if Obama is re-elected, he’ll legalize that too.”
Obama: “Mitt, these guys can’t vote, so why don’t you give it a rest.”
AL: “That’s true, we can’t vote in your elections, but we do appreciate being extended healthcare coverage from your country’s government.”
Obama: “I beg your pardon?”
AL: “Your new healthcare act. The Roarnacks stand to benefit a great deal.”
Romney: (throws his hands up) “Well that’s just great.”
Obama: (chuckles) “I don’t think you’re mentioned in the healthcare act.”
AL: (pulls out a very large stack of papers) “Indeed. Right here on page 1218, paragraph six, provision 10C. (points to the page) See?”
Romney: “Unbelievable.”
Obama, confused, just stares at the alien with his mouth open.
AL: “Well don’t feel bad. Your plan doesn’t extend us nearly as many benefits as this guy’s plan did when he was governor of Massachusetts.”
Romney: “That’s a lie! My healthcare plan didn’t look anything like his.”
AL: “Miiiiiiitt. Come on. I helped you write it.”
Romney: (gritting his teeth) “Will you shut up?!”
Obama: “You know, if you’re interested, I’m sure Bain Capital has some jobs they’d love to outsource to you guys.”
AL: “That won’t be necessary. We have our sights on more than just Bain Capital. By the looks of things, a complete takeover of your country, even your planet, should be pretty simple no matter which of you is in charge.”
Obama: “Now don’t get ahead of yourself. You may not know this, but I gave the green light for our Navy SEALS to kill the most wanted man on our planet.”
AL: “Ah yes, we heard about that. The helicopter those SEALS used is very cool. I got my son one of those for his birthday and he loves it.”
Obama: “That would explain why we’re missing one.”
AL: “Oh you’re missing more than one, believe me. We’ve pretty well mastered your planet’s most sophisticated fighting machines. To be honest, from the intelligence we’ve gathered about Earth and its inhabitants, we have little reason to be worried about your resistance.”
Romney: “You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you?”
AL: “Yes.”
Romney: “I bet you don’t know if a full house beats four of a kind.”
AL: “It doesn’t.”
Romney: (turns to Obama) “Is that right?”
Obama: “Yes.”
Romney: (dejected) “Oh boy.”
AL: “Before we strike, I thought it would be a good idea to study the two of you more closely, especially since your people seem to be on to our plan. But I don’t know what they see in either one of you that makes them think you could adequately protect them.”
Obama sits down and buries his head in his hands.
Obama: (mumbling) “It’s an election year. People look for all sorts of stupid things to say about the candidates. (looks up) Is there anything we can say to convince you to spare our planet?”
AL: “Hmmm… I’ll tell you what. Give us Dick Cheney back and we’ll leave you alone. We’ve been trying to get him to come home for years.”
Obama: “Deal!”
Romney: “Wait a second. We can’t give them Cheney. They’ll be 10 times more powerful than they are now.”
Obama: “You’re right. Sorry, we can’t give you Cheney.”
Romney: “How about that guy that texted all those pictures of his junk last year. (turns to Obama) The Democrats don’t care about him anymore, right?”
Obama: “Sure don’t. These guys can have him.”
AL: “Absolutely not. We’re not taking the junk guy.”
Obama: “What about Michele Bachmann? She’s gotta be one of you.”
AL: “You wish. I’m growing tired of this. There’s only one other Earthling we’ll accept: Martin Scorsese.”
Romney: “What?”
Obama: “You’re kidding! He’s one of America’s most cherished directors. What do you want with him?”
AL: “Same thing you do. He did Goodfellas for crying out loud. The man’s a genius.”
Romney: “Can’t you take Lucas instead? He seems to know your kind pretty well.”
AL: “Uggghh. Do not get me started on George. It’s Scorsese or the complete obliteration of your planet.”
Romney: “I don’t think we have much of a choice.”
Obama: “Guess not. Alright, he’s yours. Will you consider taking Lucas too?”
AL: “I guess we can. But he doesn’t come alone.”
Obama: “Fine. You got a deal.”
AL: “Great. Ok, we’ll drop you both off near the D.C. limits, but you’ll have to get home from there.”
Romney: “But I don’t live in Washington. Not yet anyway,” he winks.
The alien leader just stares at Romney.
Romney: “The D.C. limits sound great.”
AL: “Good luck to both of you in November. We’ll be in touch. Oh, and tell Biden we said ‘Hello’!”
