A NASA Engineer Tests Out New Pick-Up Lines After Curiosity’s Recent Mars Landing

“How would you like to have a potential carbon-based life form named after you?”

“Aren’t you… (comedic pause coupled with single eyebrow raise)… curious to see my moon rock?”

“I can stream the live images of red, swirling dust straight to the PC in my apartment. Pardon? No, they won’t give us Macs.”

“Without the sonic parachutes and reverse jet propulsion to slow your descent, it must have hurt when you fell from Heaven.”

“I don’t know about Mars, but I think I’m looking at the building blocks for life right here.”

“Hi, what’s your name? Well, Red Rover, Red Rover, send Tonya right over! Wait, wait. Don’t you get it? ‘Cause Mars is the red planet. And we have a rover on it. Whatever. Your loss.”

“Ride with me and I can send you on a galactic trip that lasts hundreds of millions of miles. Uh, well, Mars specifically. Yeah, it’s approximately 350 million miles away. Huh? Uh, about eight months, but I can have you make that trip in just one night (winks). No, I guess there’s not really a reason you’d want to visit the actual Mars, but you’re taking that too literally. Nevermind.”

“What do you say we have my valence electrons chemically bond with your valence electrons to create our own molecular life form back at my place?”

“Excuse me, I don’t usually do this, but I saw you sitting here and I was so captivated by your beauty that I wrote you a poem. Would you be so kind as to indulge me? Wonderful. ‘Man is not from Mars, but we are there now/The distances we have traveled surely do wow/Women, though mysterious, aren’t technically from Venus/But how would you like to end up on my…’ (gets drink thrown in face)

“Hi, what’s your name? Gale?! Are you serious?! That’s perfect! Say, Gale, how would you like my rover to explore Gale’s crater? Wait, wait! That’s one of the rover’s main goals – to send back images and samples from the Gale Crater! Damnit! Don’t any of you watch the news?!”

Enter Marsman

A lot of alien talk in the news lately. First it was who would be the better leader if Earth faced an alien invasion, and now we’re the ones doing the invading (again).

NASA, understandably, is fairly excited about successfully landing its rover Curiosity on Mars, but has anyone considered the potential consequences of introducing our technology into a potential lion’s den? We sent the rover to Mars to see if the planet has the basic building blocks for life or if its environment has ever been capable of supporting life. Nothing too threatening.

But what if this thing stumbles across more than just indications of past or current life-forming “blocks” and simple cell amoeba? What if Curiosity rolls right into the Mars’ version of Sturgis, with millions of 10-foot-tall, green, mean-spirited, highly intelligent badasses riding inter-galactic Harleys? What if these badasses, despite their high IQs, have lived a kabillion years without knowing a thing about us, but can’t help notice the robot on wheels taking a bunch of pictures of them? So, they pick up the latest creation sent by NASA, turn it upside down, see that the label says, “Made in China,” then Google the word “China,” learn all about where China is located – Earth – and ride their alien Harleys here to obliterate us and take all of our resources?

Am I the only one worried about this? Does no one else think we’re playing with fire here? You see how upset some celebrities get when the paparazzi take one too many photographs of them. What if angry, destructive aliens do exist on Mars and all they want is to be left alone, but now their privacy has been disturbed, so they’re even angrier and yet, since they are so destructive, they’re also giddy over the thought of kicking some Earth ass? Will we then be giddy about learning that life does in fact exist on Mars? Hmmmm?

Way to go, NASA. Way to go indeed.