A Scientist Dictates His Findings of a Squirrel That Is Possibly Carrying the Plague
Click. “Ok, the date is October 15, 2012. The time – 2:04 p.m. Eastern Standard. Today’s study will investigate the likelihood that a North American mammal of the order rodentia has been exposed to the bacteria Yersinia pestis. The subject is a ground squirrel infested with Ctenocephalides felis, also known as fleas, thought to be carrying said bacteria.
“My early hypothesis is that, unlike what was historically found in rats, this squirrel is not carrying the strain of Yersinia pestis that leads to the disease known as the plague. The first factor leading me to form this hypothesis is the rarity of that particular bacterium today. It has not been a widespread threat to any population for over 100 years. The second basis for my hypothesis comes from the fact that the squirrel is adorable. I realize this is not medically-sound evidence, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
“The squirrel has a furry coat, dapper ears and large, deep-set eyes. His paws are soft and capable of grasping not only large acorns, but also my thumb when I manipulate them to do so. I have named him ‘Wally’. Isn’t that right, Wally? Oh wes it is! Wes it is! Wub wub wub wub wub!
“Wally’s physical state is ‘deceased’, but his soul lives on in all of us. Today’s dissection will likely prove there is little to fear from Wally.
“The initial passover of Wally’s coat reveals legions around the stomach and groin, and red splotches covering his tail. A brief scan of the mouth turns up a number of newly-missing teeth and stained gums. The skin abrasions do indicate some sort of infection, but the dental damage is likely due to consuming items of trash or animal remains. I bet you got into all kinds of yummy little morsels didn’t you, fella? Who’s a good boy?
“Now for the internal review. The first incision indicates that Wally’s muscle fibers are strained and weak. His bones appear brittle. His blood smells particularly of barium and appears green in color. The blood findings are somewhat disconcerting, but the weakened skeleton is not uncommon in mammals of similar size and age.
“While certain to be unrelated, it should be noted that my eyes have started to itch and I am having trouble breathing. I remain unconcerned, though, as I am following the proper procedure of wearing protective goggles and a mask. I’m sure the irritation is due to my sinuses, which are always a nightmare this time of year. I bet you didn’t have to worry about silly little sinuses, did you Walrus? Nooooooo.
“Continuing with the autopsy, it appears that most of the subject’s organs have turned black. This is a tad worrisome, but can certainly be caused by other factors. Rodents are known to regularly suffer from kidney disease, they are susceptible to liver failure thanks to their poor diet, and their lungs are naturally grey. Typically light grey, whereas Wally’s are more of a midnight, but still.
“A quick glance at my forearms reveals a previously-unseen rash and numerous boils, but I’m sure that’s what I get for scrubbing my hands with that generic, so-called ‘anti-bacterial’ soap that Carol bought. She never gets the good stuff, does she Waldo? No matter how many times we tell her.
“A look at my hands will likely show similar findings, particularly since the burning is quite intense, but it’s safer to keep my gloves on until the examination is over.
“A gentle grazing with my scalpel unintentionally pierces the subject’s left lung. Like the bones, it is unusually weak. And like the other organs, both lungs are black in color. You must have picked up a nasty smoking habit, huh?”
The doctor chuckles at his joke and then violently coughs up a handful of phlegm.
“In addition, puss is escaping from the lung. I must admit that this is rather disturbing. Furthermore, the physical decay seems to be increasing at a rapid rate. The subject’s fur is falling out in clumps. However, I’m less inclined to think he is carrying the plague and more inclined to think the loss of hair is due to the fumes from my cologne. Again, bought by Carol. Always cheaping out, isn’t she Waldorf?
“Huh. Well, this is interesting. While doing nothing but recording my findings, poor Wally’s head popped off. Just detached from his body and rolled to the edge of the table.
“I’m going to pause here for a visit to the restroom.” Click.
Click. “I have revised my earlier inclination that the subject’s fur loss is due to my cologne. It seems that between now and when I emerged from the shower this morning, I too have lost a significant amount of body hair, including that which resided on my testicles. I don’t know what compelled me to mention this particular finding, other than to point out that it may prove beneficial to my social activities. I feel it is a welcome development, as opposed to one I should be concerned about.
“What is concerning is the amount of blood contained in my vomit and stool. And perhaps the fact that I produced vomit at all prompts a bit of an eyebrow raise. Better to be safe than sorry, so I’ll call my doctor when I wrap up here, but I’m sure it’s nothing.
“You think it’s nothing, don’t you Wally Wally Washington? Wes you do! Wes you do!”
