“All rise. The honorable Henry T. Larimore presiding.”
Judge Larimore enters courtroom and sits behind bench.
“You may be seated. The court will now hear the case of Dwayne Fairborn vs. the city of Santa Monica, California. It says hear that Mr. Fairborn performed the duties of Santa Claus in the city’s annual Thanksgiving Day parade, but has yet to receive payment for the duties performed, is that correct?”
“Yes, your honor. The defense is arguing that my client didn’t live up to the terms of their agreement in performing his tasks. We plan to show that indeed he did and deserves to be paid the agreed upon amount, as well as the costs necessary to cover his medical expenses, which arose as a result of the deplorable working conditions unresolved by the city. ”
“It also says here that representing the city is the parade organizer, Mrs. Tulula Robinson. Is that correct?”
“Yes, your honor. My client, Mrs. Robinson, works for the city’s Chamber of Commerce and also sits on the tourism board. She was in charge of scheduling the parade and hiring the staff and event performers, including Mr. Fairborn.”
“Very well. The prosecution may begin its case by calling its first witness.”
“Thank you, your honor. We call Mr. Fairborn to the stand and, per his wishes, ask that the court refer to him as St. Nick.”
“Denied.”
“Alrighty.”
Mr. Fairborn takes the stand.
“Mr. Fairborn, you appeared in the Santa Monica Thanksgiving Day parade as Santa Claus on the morning of November 22nd, is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“And afterwards you sat in the library for two hours so children could tell you… excuse me… tell whom they thought was Santa Claus what they wanted for Christmas, correct?”
“That’s correct.”
“When the city agreed to hire you to perform these duties, when did they say you would be paid for these services?”
“On the 22nd. As soon as the last kid was out of line, in fact.”
“And nearly a month later, have you been paid for your work on the 22nd?”
“No.”
“The prosecution would also like to point out that in addition to not getting paid, Mr. Claus, sorry, Mr. Fairborn, was subjected to horrible working conditions and now suffers from a medical condition as a result of said conditions. For starters, the driver assigned to pick up my client from the airport was late and didn’t have an adequate amount of gas to complete the trip, which ultimately made him late to the parade. To rectify being stranded on the side of the road, my client was forced to push the car half a mile to the nearest gas station.
“Ironically, Mr. Fairborn would have been better off being dozens of miles from a gas station that day because the float he was required to sit on was not up to code and actually caught fire during the parade. In addition, at no time did he receive any breaks, even to clean himself up after a child threw up on him. If that wasn’t enough, one of the gentlemen on parole hired to play an elf urinated behind Santa’s, sorry, Mr. Fairborn’s chair while the children were waiting in line to speak to him.
“Perhaps the most humiliating moment for my client came when one of the reindeer used for the parade knocked him to the ground and began… uh… for lack of a better term… humping him behind the float. Finally, while my client did not get to take any breaks, the city was kind enough to grant him a complimentary lunch. Unfortunately, the medical condition I referred to earlier came about due to the turkey sandwich supplied by Mrs. Robinson. It seems the turkey was quite rancid and now my client has herpes.
“You do testify that this was your experience on the 22nd, correct Mr. Fairborn?”
“Yes, all of that is correct.”
“That’s all from the prosecution, your honor.”
“Would the defense like to cross-examine this witness?”
“Yes, thank you, your honor. Mr. Fairborn, is it true that the Santa Monica police were called and upon arriving on the scene they administered a blood alcohol test on you?”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
“And is it also true that your blood alcohol level registered at nearly three times the legal driving limit?”
“I like to add a little rum to my eggnog.”
“I’m sure you do. Could that explain why you mistakenly remember a child throwing up on you when in fact it was your own dog that vomited on you?”
“I always let Buster sip on my eggnog. He loves it more than I do.”
“Perhaps your inebriated state also kept you from remembering that it was Buster clad in foam reindeer ears that humped you behind the float. The defense would like to point out to the court that Mrs. Robinson told Mr. Fairborn that he could not bring his dog with him on the day of the parade, but he chose to ignore that part of their agreement. This ultimately makes Mr. Fairborn responsible for the vomit ending up on his suit and the assault he withstood from his dog.
“We’d also like to point out that while the float did catch fire, it met all the necessary safety standards and Mr. Fairborn was also directly responsible for it going up in flames. The prosecution failed to mention that its client smoked throughout the parade, in direct conflict to the clearly visible “No Smoking” sign on his and all of the floats. If he wished for it to remain flame free, he should have considered not dropping his lit cigarette butts on the floor of the sled.”
“I guess I should have used my empty eggnog glass to put out my cigarettes.”
“Was it ever empty, Mr. Fairborn?”
“Ha! Good point. I guess not.”
“Your honor, at this point we’d like to submit the video taken of the day’s events to show that in addition to the vomit, the humping and the fire, Mr. Fairborn was also directly responsible for the urine behind his chair. The prosecution grossly misstated the situation, as the man in the elf costume was not on parole, he is Mrs. Robinson’s husband, Mr. Robinson. And the urine wasn’t his, it was urine belonging to Mr. Fairborn that leaked out of the bag he had taped to his leg as part of the amateur catheter he fashioned to himself.
“Unfortunately we cannot dispute the fact that the driver hired to pick up Mr. Fairborn at the airport was a little late and his car did run out of gas. But the driver pushed the car himself to the gas station. Mr. Fairborn probably remembers trying to fruitlessly push the car as it was parked at the station, having gas pumped into it. I feel I should mention that he did this while dressed in his full Santa costume, creating quite the scene for the other patrons. The driver in fact still managed to drop his already-inebriated passenger at the hotel two hours before Mr. Fairborn was supposed to arrive at the starting point of the parade route. It turns out Mr. Fairborn later failed to catch the cab from the hotel that was sent to take him to the parade and that’s why he was late.
“In closing, the city does not intend to pay Mr. Fairborn for his performance because of the gross violations of the work agreement, and it has no intention of paying for his medical bills either. When the front desk of the hotel called Mr. Fairborn’s room to let him know he had a cab waiting for him, roughly an hour and a half after he arrived, they reported hearing what sounded like prostitutes in his room. The clerk who called said he heard at least two female voices say, ‘Thanks for the hour,’ ‘That’s not my underwear,’ and ‘No, I can’t take a check, I’m a prostitute.’
“So I think the origin of your venereal disease is pretty clear, seeing as how you can’t get herpes from a turkey sandwich, can you Mr. Fairborn?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“The defense rests.”
