Agents Johnson, Ludwig and Crenshaw meet with the Deputy Director of the NSA for their regular intelligence update briefings.
August 16, 2011
Deputy Director: So we’ve been monitoring activity pretty closely in the northeast for the last six months. We should have gathered enough information to see if it’s worthwhile to pursue any potential terrorist leads. Ludwig, let’s start with you.
Ludwig: Thank you, sir. We’re not sure exactly where they’re operating out of, but about two months ago we became aware of a group called Destroy From Within.
Deputy Dir: Destroy From Within? Any chance they’re based out of Hoboken?
Everyone in the room laughs harder than the joke constitutes.
Ludwig: Good one, sir. This group consists of a dozen foreign-born civilians who earned their U.S. citizenships years ago. We’ve deduced that they’re led by two brothers, who, since becoming official citizens, have gone on to appear on the CIA’s Most Wanted List for the better part of a decade. Nearly everyone in the group has been linked to specific acts of terror or other terrorist organizations. They’re going to be our central focus for the foreseeable future.
Deputy Dir: Thank you for that update, Ludwig. Johnson, anything from your group?
Johnson: My team has something worth tracking as well. Two of the three groups we flagged last year based on their Internet and email activity are now trying to manufacture fake passports. And they’re not employing some rinky-dink operation to get it done either. So far we don’t have strong indicators of where they might be heading once they have those passports, but we should know more in the next week or so.
Deputy Dir: Good. Let me know the moment you’ve pegged a likely destination. Crenshaw, let’s hear what you’re targeting.
Crenshaw: The only thing I found worth mentioning is some budding activity at Fleugal Tile & Grout Cleaner outside Pittsburgh.
Deputy Dir: What’s going on there?
Crenshaw: It seems Tom in Accounts Payable has developed quite a crush on Simone in R&D.
Silence comes over the room.
Deputy Dir: Damnit Crenshaw, why the hell should we care about that?!
Crenshaw: Because she’s married.
A longer silence comes over the room.
Deputy Dir: Really?
October 28, 2011
Deputy Dir: Thanks everyone for making it in early this morning. I suspect we’ve got a lot to cover, so Ludwig let’s start with you.
Ludwig: It seems things have been unraveling for our friends at Destroy From Within. The two brothers are becoming increasingly hostile towards other members who they feel are pushing personal agendas. You may remember three of those members went missing right around the time of our last meeting, and have been missing for two weeks now. You may also remember the CIA tracked down their hub and found a way to get one of their own guys on the inside, but they’re thinking of pulling him out for safety concerns.
Deputy Dir: Wow. Could be good news, could be bad. Keeping things moving… Johnson, you’re up.
Johnson: You all got the memo about our fake passport producers eventually ending up in Turkey. Turns out they touched down there in order to sneak across the border into Syria. We think they have a safehouse there. We also think they’re smuggling arms into Syria, but we’re not sure where the weapons are originating from.
The Deputy Director turns his chair to face the other side of the table.
Deputy Dir: Alright, so what’s the latest with ol’ what’s their faces?
Crenshaw: Come on, sir. You know their names. Turns out Tom and Simone have had lunch together three times this week.
Deputy Dir: How is that possible? It’s only Wednesday morning.
Crenshaw: Think about it. Their third lunch took place around 3 p.m. yesterday at the Comfort Inn three blocks from their office.
Ludwig: Oh! It’s on now!
Deputy Dir: It’s about time.
Crenshaw: She is still married, sir.
Deputy Dir: To an asshole.
Johnson: Can we get back to my Syrian safehouse?
Deputy Dir: Just stay on it and see how it progresses. Keep me in the loop.
February 20, 2012
Deputy Dir: Morning, everyone. We’ve had great momentum going for the last few weeks and I’d like to keep that momentum going. Johnson, what have you got for us?
Johnson: Since arriving overseas, no one’s attempted to get back to the U.S. That’s made it difficult to track their activity on a weekly basis, but we think they’re getting significant outside funds to increase their arms supply. Things seem to be bubbling up over there among a number of rebel factions.
Deputy Dir: Ludwig, anything on your end?
Ludwig: Eh. The CIA decided not to pull their man out and now no one’s heard from him for four days. We’re watching it. Can we get to Crenshaw?
Deputy Dir: Crenshaw, you heard the man.
Crenshaw: We might have something out of D.C. regarding a number of commercial airline pilots participating in a drug swapping program. But I’m afraid nothing’s really progressed with our other point of interest.
Ludwig: What?! Valentine’s Day was last week.
Crenshaw: She spent most of the night at home with her husband. Tom had to work late.
Deputy Dir: Well so much for the momentum I was hoping for. Is she any closer to leaving that guy?
Crenshaw: All the intel points to Tom springing the ultimatum on her any day now. If she doesn’t file for a divorce soon, I think he’s jumping ship.
Ludwig: Tom’s gotta hang in there.
Johnson: Don’t you want to go into your missing man on the inside a little more?
Ludwig: Chill dude. We’re on it.
Deputy Dir: Yeah, I’m satisfied. Let’s wrap for the day. Keep your eyes on the prize, people.
July 18, 2012
Johnson: “… it’s obviously a private organization, but the funds are definitely being supplied from inside the U.S.”
Agent Crenshaw bursts through the conference room door in the middle of Agent Johnson’s update to his colleagues.
Crenshaw: Major breakthrough last week!
Deputy Dir: With the drug swapping?
Crenshaw: No, that turned out to be a dead end.
Deputy Dir: Ah, our two lovebirds then!
Crenshaw: Indeed. Simone finally issued Ambrose the divorce papers.
Johnson: Ambrose? Her husband’s name is Ambrose?
Crenshaw: I’ve mentioned that at least half a dozen times over the last several months.
Deputy Dir: Johnson, let’s not waste valuable time in these meetings reviewing previously-established information.
Johnson: That’s a joke, right?
Crenshaw: Anyway, when he asked her if it was because she found someone else, she said “No.” But last Friday he walked into Applebee’s and found her and Tom sharing one of those chocolate lava cake desserts.
Ludwig: Oh, I love those.
Deputy Dir: Wait, I think Chili’s has the chocolate lava cake.
Crenshaw: Nope, it’s definitely Applebee’s.
Deputy Dir: Well that’s a shame. Applebee’s is like an extra 12 miles from my house.
Agent Johnson coughs loudly. The other agents glare at him annoyingly.
Crenshaw: Anyway, he went after Tom right there in the restaurant. It took six of the wait staff and three other customers to pull them off each other and drag them outside.
Johnson: Isn’t this more of a local police matter?
Crenshaw: Jesus, Johnson! We didn’t take their statements or anything.
Deputy Dir: Did you get enough sleep last night Johnson? You’re a little punchy this morning.
Johnson: (Rolls eyes) Sorry. Continue.
Crenshaw: That’s it really.
Johnson: Sir, if I may, I really feel like my team is tracking something big here. I could use some more manpower.
Deputy Dir: I’m afraid we just don’t have it.
Johnson: But Crenshaw said his drug thing was a dead end. Can’t we use some of his folks?
Deputy Dir: Too risky. We can’t afford to pull anyone off that team’s surveillance ops.
Ludwig: I’ve probably got a few people you can borrow.
Johnson: You? You’re following two of the most wanted men on the planet. I really think it would be better if they came from Crenshaw’s group.
Deputy Dir: Alright, Johnson, that’s enough. Take the rest of the day off and catch up on your sleep. Hopefully we’ll see you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed first thing in the morning. Crenshaw…
Crenshaw: Yes, sir?
Deputy Dir: Good work.
October 12, 2012
This time it’s Agent Johnson bursting through the door.
Johnson: Sir, we need to get a hold of every federal agency, every task force, even the president. As of this morning, we have a serious situation on our hands.
Crenshaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We all agreed at our last meeting that I’d go first this time.
Deputy Dir: He’s right, Johnson. You got any major updates, Crenshaw?
Crenshaw: And how! Can anyone say “Two and a half carat diamond engagement ring?”
Johnson: Sir, our targets are back in the U.S. And they have plutonium.
Deputy Dir: Johnson! You’ll. Have. Your. Turn. (He points his opened palm toward Agent Crenshaw) Continue.
Crenshaw: So, Tom bought an incredible ring, spared no expense, and walked around with it for days just waiting for the right moment.
Ludwig: She doesn’t care about the perfect moment. As soon as she sees that ring, she’ll be like “Oh hell yes!” Am I right?
Crenshaw: Well, they were walking through the park, hand in hand, after a romantic dinner to celebrate the anniversary of their first extra-marital tryst. All of a sudden it starts raining. Nothing heavy. Just a light drizzle. Luckily Tom had an umbrella, so they shared it and continued their stroll, only now they had to squeeze extra close to each other. Then, just like that, Simone broke a heel. She bent down to pick up her shoe and when she straightened up, there was Tom on one knee with the ring in his hand.
Crenshaw pauses.
Ludwig: And?!
Crenshaw: They’re getting married June 1st.
Most of the room erupts in cheers. The agents start to file out of the room as the Deputy Director meets them at the door.
Deputy Dir: Crenshaw, masterful job. I want you to know you should expect a new title and a corner office by the end of the week. The entire agency is indebted to your service.
Crenshaw: Thank you, sir.
They shake hands as Crenshaw files out.
Johnson: Sir?
Deputy Dir: Yes, Agent Johnson?
Johnson: I’m officially putting in my two weeks notice. I’ll have the lead point person on my team brief you on our findings.
Deputy Dir: Agent Johnson, you’ll be missed. Good luck to you in all your future endeavors.
Johnson: Whatever.
