Bob's Best of 2013

Best Moment in TV

In March, I finally remembered to extend the DVR time an additional hour so when the big game unexpectedly went into double overtime, I was able to capture the whole thing. I never remember to extend the time! Of course, I overheard someone give the outcome of the game before I could get home to watch it, so it didn’t really matter. But the point is, I remembered.

Best Moment in Film

Only saw one movie this year. Went on opening night, so the theater was packed. Right before it started, a woman in a giant hat took the seat in front of me. I couldn’t see a thing. All of a sudden she got violently ill and left; never came back. The movie sucked and her vomit got on my shoes, but I would have been pissed if I paid $9 and had to stare at the back of a hat for two hours.

Best Moment in Fashion

Over the summer, I went to dinner with some friends at the new Italian restaurant in town. As I typically do, I made the mistake of wearing white pants. And as I typically do, I clumsily rolled a meatball off my plate. But this time, I caught it with my other hand before any damage was done. It was beautiful.

When the waitress brought our wine out, she spilled mine in my lap. The pants are ruined (it was red), but at least it wasn’t my fault!

Best Moment in Music

Bought the new One Direction CD! Awwwww yeah!

Best Moment in News

I was one of the rare few who managed to acquire medical coverage through the Obamacare website during the first week it went live. I never have that kind of luck. Granted, I had to get new health insurance only because I lost my old insurance on account of getting fired in the spring. But who would have thought I could successfully navigate the internet? That’s probably the reason I lost my job in the first place.

Best Moment in Food

Usually I get food poisoning four or five times a year, but it only hit me once in 2013. Of course it happened on Christmas Day, so I’m still feeling the effects. But still…

Best Moment in Sports

My cat is super quick. Runs, jumps and darts all over my apartment. One Saturday in October I decided I was going to sneak up on Bellarina. She was lying on one end of the couch, so I crept up by the arm on the other side and knelt down. I waited for just the right moment and then sprang across the couch and grabbed her before she could turn one of her patented kitty plies.

Turns out she was dead. The vet thought she passed on about an hour before we got there. But for those few seconds after I sprang on her, I felt pretty fleet of foot.

Best Moment in Money

Found a quarter on the… aw, f*#k it.

Rudolph Hacks Into NSA Database; Releases Files on All the Other Reindeer

From the December 2013 Issue of Out in Front…

Here it is, people! As promised. This month’s issue lives up to its name as I’m delivering the goods on my eight brown-nosing ‘teammates’ nearly a full week before Christmas (I mean brown-nosing literally and figuratively. Most reindeer are born with brown noses, and man can they be pricks about it).

I can’t say where I got the following information, but I assure you it’s been compiled by reliable sources. Sources who won’t approve of me sharing it with you. Their approval, however, is really not my concern. The files contained herein illuminate… oh my God, I can’t believe I just typed that word. They contain information that you, the reader, deserve to know. Nay, need to know. These files shine a light on… for crying out loud! What’s wrong with me?!

Anyway, you get the point. Write a song about this, bitches:

Dasher – front row, left. In one word – steals. Started off small: packs of cigarettes, issues of Cosmo, etc… Likely the biggest reason fast food businesses moved to the pay-first, two-window system. Employer forced to install a sled cam for when he leaves sled to enter children’s homes. Escalated to armed robbery. Served three months probation.

Dancer – front row, right. Brought up a dozen times on assault charges, mostly against overly-aggressive mall parents. None of the charges have stuck, as the stores have always been found liable. Couldn’t escape an involuntary manslaughter charge in ’93 after trampling a drunken college student who got bored with sitting in the sled after a few minutes and tried ‘riding shotgun’. Served six months probation.

Prancer – second row, left. Drug problems since he was a teenager. Been in and out of five rehab facilities. (Editor’s note: During the off-season, rehab facilities are the largest employers at The North Pole. They are staffed mostly by the elves, but you probably guessed that already.) Caught dealing to three Colorado kids last year and six Florida youths the year before. Both instances took place during Christmas Eve layovers.

Vixen – second row, right. Online gambling addiction boiled over into all-night Texas Hold ‘Em benders with the elves. Quickly became indebted to the head elf and refused to pay losses. Fielded numerous threats from head elf, who proved not to have the moxie to carry out any of the threats himself.

Comet – third row, left. Brought up on maiming charges for cutting off one of Vixen’s hooves in exchange for a night with the head elf’s wife.

Cupid – third row, right. Owes seven female deer (does) more than 115,000 lbs of pellets as part of his reindeer-support payments. Has 15 illegitimate fawns, not counting four that half of his sleigh-pulling teammates believe are theirs.

Donner – back row, left. Has an otherwise clean record, but is an insatiable voyeur. Likes to watch Santa and Mrs. Claus engage in amorous, night-time activity. Often leaves a mess on the windowsill that he makes Rudolph clean up. (Editor’s note: And you thought they just called me names.) Hasn’t been confronted by either of the Claus’ since our office started monitoring the compound 35 years ago.

Blitzen – back row, right. Surprise, surprise – alcoholic.

And yes, the fat man knows about all of it, even Donner’s peeping. Rumor has it that Santa puts him up to it. Anyway, he doesn’t say anything because the team is too good to break up, so he lets them get away with murder (some of them more than once). You’re probably thinking that if he was smarter about picking their names, he wouldn’t have half these problems on his hands. It’s crossed my mind too.

The bottom line is this: Santa is an enabler. And not just for the deer. For humans too. He gives toys to ALL the girls and boys. Stopped keeping track of the bad ones a long time ago. Said it got too hard to manage two different lists. Welcome to your dissolution of society.

Better ask yourself if you really want those 31 hooves (remember: Vixen has only three) clacking across your rooftop every Christmas. Not exactly the type of role models you want your kids singing about every year. It’s hard to digest, but I hope knowing the truth brings a warm glow to your… son of a bitch, I did it again!