If you’re a sports fan, February is hands down the worst month of the year for watching sporting events. College and pro football is over, baseball hasn’t started (pitchers and catchers reporting to Spring Training is as exciting as waiting for the groundhog), and college basketball is still weeks away from getting really exciting. The NBA, though… now that’s another story. In February, the NBA is years away from getting really exciting.
Our options for sports during February usually consist of NASCAR and trying to figure out if Tiger Woods will play at the Masters, or if he’ll be passed out under a mountain of escorts while John Daly stands in the doorway saying, “Can we go now, Tiger? I’m tiiiiiired.”
This year is different though. This year we once again get to watch the Winter Olympics, which makes the month of February, in terms of sports viewing, much, much worse.
On the surface, it might seem like a nice diversion from Super Bowl wrap-up talk and shots of NBA players getting tattoos during timeouts, but really it’s nothing but two weeks of figure skating. Sure there’s other events going on, but you won’t see them. Somehow the networks have become convinced (I guess through something often referred to as “ratings”) that we ache for people covered in sequins, twirling around and alternating their expressions from “my dog just got hit by a car” to “no, wait, he’s getting back up!” to “oh no, he got hit again” and back to “wait, wait, he’s on his feet, I think he’ll be ok!”
Women are the reason that figure skating gets such high “ratings”. They’ve forced us to watch it for decades, but not because they like it. Instead it’s payback for us having football on for 46 hours each weekend from September to February every year. As soon as the Olympics started airing on TV, women everywhere would turn on figure skating and then leave the room to do something more enjoyable, like pull the refrigerator down on top of themselves. Eventually the networks took this to mean that viewers were clamoring for prime time figure skating, so that’s what we’re forced to watch.
And figure skating hasn’t been intriguing since that former celebrity boxer whacked her Mickey Mouse-hating teammate with a Foreman Grill. Turns out neither one of them won the gold. The Russian teenage phenom won instead, and has since spent her time picking up DUIs. But hey, she’s Russian. And if she doesn’t spend her time drinking, her only other option is figure skating.
Anyway, if you pay really close attention, you might see some speed skating or the giant slalom or the two-man luge. Even so, the Winter Olympics just can’t compare to the Summer Olympics. For one, so much of the competition depends on the athletes’ equipment - the sleds staying upright, the skis not snapping, the skates not flying off and spearing a judge. There’s little need to use performance enhancing drugs in the Winter Olympics. The Summer Olympics, however, are teeming with drug users. The drugs help the athletes run faster, throw farther and stab harder than they ever could naturally.
I for one am not in favor of athletes using performance enhancing drugs, but let’s face it, they make every event more exciting, from football, to baseball, to boxing and even horse racing. There’s nothing they can’t make more exciting. Just think if both guys involved in a chess match were on bovine steroids. That would be fascinating. If the Food Network were a little more lax on their drug policy, NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox would all be bidding for the rights to Iron Chef. With Bobby Flay and Paula Deen battling it out around those hot stoves and sharp utensils… you telling me you wouldn’t watch if they were both full of the same ingredients that Jose Canseco puts in his milkshakes?
At any rate, enjoy February. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Need a Price Check on the Flush Blaster 3000
We’ve all had to deal with buying things that are a little embarrassing but necessary for whatever reason. Whether it’s some type of anti-fungal cream, feminine “items” (which my wife says aren’t just embarrassing for men to buy), athletic supporters (which don’t actually support athletics, but something all together different), or whatever the case may be.
One thing I’ve never had to buy before that fits this category is a toilet. That is until tonight, when I will purchase my first one. I’ve never thought about the embarrassment that might come with buying a toilet because how often do you buy one? Everywhere I’ve lived, a toilet has been supplied for me. Thankfully, all of the apartments I’ve rented have come equipped with at least one, and of the condo and now house that I’ve bought, both of the previous owners were kind enough to leave theirs behind (no pun intended).
And if you’ve ever built a home, chances are the builders had toilets installed by the time you moved in and just added them to your bill (unless you really cheaped out). So, unless you’re a builder or a contractor or you’ve lived in the same house for a long time, you probably haven’t bought a lot of them, right?
At any rate, I have to buy a toilet. And I don’t want to.
If I was working as a cashier and somebody came through my line with a toilet, my first thought would be, “Finally getting some indoor plumbing, huh? Get tired of using the hole in your back yard? You’re really moving up, buddy. Good for you.”
My next thought would be that this person in my line has always had indoor plumbing, but somehow broke his previous toilet. And do you really want to be the guy that is believed to have broken his toilet? The whole store is watching you carry a toilet to the checkout lanes and thinking about the abuse you put the last one through. “Whoa, wonder what that guy eats?” people start asking each other. “I’d hate to follow him into the bathroom, ha ha ha.”
For the record, the toilet in our downstairs bathroom has a huge crack in the bowl that is days away from sending water all over the floor and into the hallway. And it was there before we moved in. (Before you ask – yes, it’s probably covered under our home warranty, but we have to pay $75 for an inspector to come out before it’s replaced, and a decent toilet is only $10 more than that, so it’s not worth calling our warranty provider.) But the sales guy at the hardware store doesn’t want to hear some long story.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes, I need to buy a toilet. It’s not the first toilet I’ve ever had, I just need to replace a broken one. But I didn’t break it. I don’t have horrible digestive problems or anything. My diet is very balanced. I don’t even go all that often. My doctor says I could go two or three more times a day and still be considered normal. I’m not a weirdo. I just bought a house and one of the toilets has a crack in it. But I don’t know how it got there. It could have been caused by anything, really. Maybe there was an earthquake and the previous owners never got it fixed. I’m sure they had normal diets too. There’s no way to tell.”
“Uh… it’s time for my break.”
So you see my dilemma. I’ll remain quiet and just hope the store isn’t crowded when I get there. But if anybody asks, I’m going to say, “It’s not for me, it’s for a friend.”
One thing I’ve never had to buy before that fits this category is a toilet. That is until tonight, when I will purchase my first one. I’ve never thought about the embarrassment that might come with buying a toilet because how often do you buy one? Everywhere I’ve lived, a toilet has been supplied for me. Thankfully, all of the apartments I’ve rented have come equipped with at least one, and of the condo and now house that I’ve bought, both of the previous owners were kind enough to leave theirs behind (no pun intended).
And if you’ve ever built a home, chances are the builders had toilets installed by the time you moved in and just added them to your bill (unless you really cheaped out). So, unless you’re a builder or a contractor or you’ve lived in the same house for a long time, you probably haven’t bought a lot of them, right?
At any rate, I have to buy a toilet. And I don’t want to.
If I was working as a cashier and somebody came through my line with a toilet, my first thought would be, “Finally getting some indoor plumbing, huh? Get tired of using the hole in your back yard? You’re really moving up, buddy. Good for you.”
My next thought would be that this person in my line has always had indoor plumbing, but somehow broke his previous toilet. And do you really want to be the guy that is believed to have broken his toilet? The whole store is watching you carry a toilet to the checkout lanes and thinking about the abuse you put the last one through. “Whoa, wonder what that guy eats?” people start asking each other. “I’d hate to follow him into the bathroom, ha ha ha.”
For the record, the toilet in our downstairs bathroom has a huge crack in the bowl that is days away from sending water all over the floor and into the hallway. And it was there before we moved in. (Before you ask – yes, it’s probably covered under our home warranty, but we have to pay $75 for an inspector to come out before it’s replaced, and a decent toilet is only $10 more than that, so it’s not worth calling our warranty provider.) But the sales guy at the hardware store doesn’t want to hear some long story.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes, I need to buy a toilet. It’s not the first toilet I’ve ever had, I just need to replace a broken one. But I didn’t break it. I don’t have horrible digestive problems or anything. My diet is very balanced. I don’t even go all that often. My doctor says I could go two or three more times a day and still be considered normal. I’m not a weirdo. I just bought a house and one of the toilets has a crack in it. But I don’t know how it got there. It could have been caused by anything, really. Maybe there was an earthquake and the previous owners never got it fixed. I’m sure they had normal diets too. There’s no way to tell.”
“Uh… it’s time for my break.”
So you see my dilemma. I’ll remain quiet and just hope the store isn’t crowded when I get there. But if anybody asks, I’m going to say, “It’s not for me, it’s for a friend.”
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
On the Dotted Line, Of Course
Hot damn, I must be famous.
I signed so many items recently, there’s no way around it. I can’t think of any other explanation. Well, unless the explanation is that they weren’t “items,” they were documents. And people weren’t seeking my autograph, they were seeking my signature. And the “people” were our mortgage broker, the office of the seller’s agent, and the acting attorney.
Ok, so maybe my wife and I bought a house.
And we might have agreed to let the government harvest our organs before we die, I can’t be sure. I sat in a chair and signed my name so many times that the lack of sleep may have caused me to black out at one point.
I do remember this: I signed a document saying I agreed to continue signing documents after I left, just in case it was deemed necessary. At any time the attorney’s office could call and say something like, “Mr. Heppermann, we’re sending over a document that you must sign that says we can legally obtain all of your possessions the next time your credit card is run at Applebee’s.”
“But I love Applebee’s. What about their chicken dippers?” I’d probably say.
“Sorry. You signed a document saying you’d keep signing whatever we wanted you to sign,” he’d reply.
“Fine. Send it over.”
I also signed a document saying I’m somebody else. It seems that in the preparation of our paperwork, the attorney’s office spelled my last name with only one ‘n’. So instead of having us wait while they revised each piece of paper that had my name misspelled, they handed me a document that said I was Mike Hepperman as well as Mike Heppermann.
I clearly should have thought that one through before putting pen to paper. Now, if there’s ever some quack named Mike Hepperman who robs an orphanage and uses the money to buy pectoral implants, all the while leaving a huge paper trail of electronic transactions that say ‘Mike Hepperman purchased pectoral implants with money he stole from an orphanage,’ l could get arrested and sentenced to years in prison because six months prior to that I signed a document saying I was Mike Hepperman. Do you really think I stand a chance in prison if the inmates think my impressive pecs are surgically enhanced instead of the real deal? Crap.
But that’s what happens when you buy a house. They overwhelm you with paperwork and talk really fast through each page as you sign it. Sure, I own a house. But now I don’t know who owns me.
I signed so many items recently, there’s no way around it. I can’t think of any other explanation. Well, unless the explanation is that they weren’t “items,” they were documents. And people weren’t seeking my autograph, they were seeking my signature. And the “people” were our mortgage broker, the office of the seller’s agent, and the acting attorney.
Ok, so maybe my wife and I bought a house.
And we might have agreed to let the government harvest our organs before we die, I can’t be sure. I sat in a chair and signed my name so many times that the lack of sleep may have caused me to black out at one point.
I do remember this: I signed a document saying I agreed to continue signing documents after I left, just in case it was deemed necessary. At any time the attorney’s office could call and say something like, “Mr. Heppermann, we’re sending over a document that you must sign that says we can legally obtain all of your possessions the next time your credit card is run at Applebee’s.”
“But I love Applebee’s. What about their chicken dippers?” I’d probably say.
“Sorry. You signed a document saying you’d keep signing whatever we wanted you to sign,” he’d reply.
“Fine. Send it over.”
I also signed a document saying I’m somebody else. It seems that in the preparation of our paperwork, the attorney’s office spelled my last name with only one ‘n’. So instead of having us wait while they revised each piece of paper that had my name misspelled, they handed me a document that said I was Mike Hepperman as well as Mike Heppermann.
I clearly should have thought that one through before putting pen to paper. Now, if there’s ever some quack named Mike Hepperman who robs an orphanage and uses the money to buy pectoral implants, all the while leaving a huge paper trail of electronic transactions that say ‘Mike Hepperman purchased pectoral implants with money he stole from an orphanage,’ l could get arrested and sentenced to years in prison because six months prior to that I signed a document saying I was Mike Hepperman. Do you really think I stand a chance in prison if the inmates think my impressive pecs are surgically enhanced instead of the real deal? Crap.
But that’s what happens when you buy a house. They overwhelm you with paperwork and talk really fast through each page as you sign it. Sure, I own a house. But now I don’t know who owns me.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Art Imitating Life
Remember that scene in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd and Harry pick up the evil hitchhiker (who thinks Lloyd stole the suitcase that he's trying to deliver to Mary)? Things are pretty quiet and laid back in the giant dog car until Lloyd and Harry start playing tag and making up rules as they go along. The hitchhiker, stuck in between them, sits patiently, hoping they'll stop soon, but he eventually loses his cool and starts yelling.
"GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!"
After they stop, he calmly and politely asks them to do something that's not so irritating. After a brief moment of silence, Lloyd asks the hitchhiker, "Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" Without waiting for an answer, Lloyd demonstrates the noise and the hitchhiker doesn't wait long before making his plea again.
"GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!"
That is exactly what it's like raising two small kids. But the kicker is that Lloyd and Harry's actions aren't important to the analogy. The hitchhiker's reaction says it all. It doesn't matter that they're playing tag or making the most annoying sound in the world; Lloyd and Harry could be doing anything. With two kids, a parent turns into the hitchhiker multiple times a day.
So the next time you say to yourself, "I wonder what (insert name of friend with two small kids) is doing right now?" Think of that scene and you'll have your answer.
"GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!"
After they stop, he calmly and politely asks them to do something that's not so irritating. After a brief moment of silence, Lloyd asks the hitchhiker, "Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" Without waiting for an answer, Lloyd demonstrates the noise and the hitchhiker doesn't wait long before making his plea again.
"GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!"
That is exactly what it's like raising two small kids. But the kicker is that Lloyd and Harry's actions aren't important to the analogy. The hitchhiker's reaction says it all. It doesn't matter that they're playing tag or making the most annoying sound in the world; Lloyd and Harry could be doing anything. With two kids, a parent turns into the hitchhiker multiple times a day.
So the next time you say to yourself, "I wonder what (insert name of friend with two small kids) is doing right now?" Think of that scene and you'll have your answer.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Merry Halloween and a Happy New Valentine's Day
Ahh, Halloween. It’s here. You know how I know? Because last Saturday I walked into my nearby hardware store and saw on display row after row of fake Christmas trees. Nothing says Halloween like Christmas trees.
What about all the Halloween stuff, you ask? Did they ever have that out? Oh sure. If you stopped in between the day after Father’s Day and the Fourth of July, you could have bought an assortment of Halloween decorations. Fireworks for your July 4th celebration weren’t available at that time because those were on sale during Groundhog’s Day.
I know the subject of retail stores displaying Christmas items too early has been beaten into the ground, so I won’t do it here (anymore). But seriously. Christmas trees? (I lied)
I expect that from Wal-Mart or Target, but not the hardware store. I know they’re trying to copy other stores who profit from Christmas long before Christmas arrives, but they haven’t quite figured out how. In the seasonal section of the store, right next to the fake trees, they still have barbecue grills and riding lawn mowers for sale. For those that don’t know, I don’t live in southern California or Florida or someplace that sees the sun after October. If people in my town are buying Christmas trees, they aint buying lawn mowers. Make up your mind, hardware store!
So, if you’re a fan of Halloween, hopefully you bought your decorations during the 15 minutes in which they were available. And who isn’t a fan of Halloween? If you’re a kid, you get loads of candy. And the reality is you don’t even have to dress up and walk around the neighborhood burning calories. You can be a true glutton – American style – and just graze on the candy your parents buy to give out to the neighborhood kids. You can also score more candy at school every day during the week leading up to Halloween.
If you’re an adult, you have an excuse to buy loads of candy and the power to yell at your kids, “Hey! That’s for the trick-or-treaters that come over. Put it back,” and then pull out a piece for yourself and eat it right in front of them.
On Halloween, everyone – young and old – also has an excuse to dress up and pretend to be something they’re not. This way, Matthew McConaughey can put on a costume and pretend to be a vampire instead of wearing his usual outfit and pretending to be interesting.
Tons of crappy scary movies hit the theaters around Halloween too, while a lot of good scary movies are shown on TV. For instance, even though I haven’t seen it, I imagine the latest SAW movie, and all the ones before it, is pretty crappy. Then again there have been about 18 of those, so people obviously like them. And to keep audiences coming back for that many sequels, the writers and producers obviously create wildly different plot lines for each one. I’m sure not one SAW movie looks anything like the others, and I would no doubt be completely lost by randomly picking one and watching it without first seeing the ones that came before it. So they’re probably pretty good after all.
For those that prefer movies with a little imagination, this week AMC has been running Alien and The Shining, two classic scary movies with great writing and top-notch directors. However they can’t hold a candle to Poltergeist, the scariest movie of all time. How can I definitively say it’s the scariest movie ever? Because I watched it when I was five or six years old and it gave me nightmares for a week. It’s scary as sh*t.
Now, you might say, “Why don’t you watch it as an adult and see if you still think it’s scary?” Well, I would watch it again except that when I watched it as a kid, it gave me nightmares for a week. It’s scary as sh*t! Did I not say that already?! Pay attention.
I can’t even watch the DirecTV commercial with the little girl from that movie because it’s too spooky. And you know the worst of it? Poltergeist is rated PG. It’s true. Get a hold of a copy and see for yourself. It came out before the PG-13 rating existed, but why it didn’t receive an R rating is beyond me. Aside from all the other freaky things in that movie, did you know there’s a scene in which a guy goes into the bathroom, looks at himself in the mirror and then PEELS HIS FACE OFF? And not the way Fred and Daphne would peel the masks off the bad guys at the end of Scooby Doo. He peels it off in little pieces, exposing a lot of stuff that you wouldn’t see unless you worked with cadavers. And it’s rated PG! Episodes of Desperate Housewives don’t even get that rating. We’ve definitely softened as a society.
But you know what? In some cases that’s a good thing. Sure it’s stupid that nowadays kids who play sports don’t know if they win or lose because no one ever keeps score, but on the flip side we no longer hear anyone say, “Good luck with your Small Pox.”
So yeah, Halloween. Enjoy it.
What about all the Halloween stuff, you ask? Did they ever have that out? Oh sure. If you stopped in between the day after Father’s Day and the Fourth of July, you could have bought an assortment of Halloween decorations. Fireworks for your July 4th celebration weren’t available at that time because those were on sale during Groundhog’s Day.
I know the subject of retail stores displaying Christmas items too early has been beaten into the ground, so I won’t do it here (anymore). But seriously. Christmas trees? (I lied)
I expect that from Wal-Mart or Target, but not the hardware store. I know they’re trying to copy other stores who profit from Christmas long before Christmas arrives, but they haven’t quite figured out how. In the seasonal section of the store, right next to the fake trees, they still have barbecue grills and riding lawn mowers for sale. For those that don’t know, I don’t live in southern California or Florida or someplace that sees the sun after October. If people in my town are buying Christmas trees, they aint buying lawn mowers. Make up your mind, hardware store!
So, if you’re a fan of Halloween, hopefully you bought your decorations during the 15 minutes in which they were available. And who isn’t a fan of Halloween? If you’re a kid, you get loads of candy. And the reality is you don’t even have to dress up and walk around the neighborhood burning calories. You can be a true glutton – American style – and just graze on the candy your parents buy to give out to the neighborhood kids. You can also score more candy at school every day during the week leading up to Halloween.
If you’re an adult, you have an excuse to buy loads of candy and the power to yell at your kids, “Hey! That’s for the trick-or-treaters that come over. Put it back,” and then pull out a piece for yourself and eat it right in front of them.
On Halloween, everyone – young and old – also has an excuse to dress up and pretend to be something they’re not. This way, Matthew McConaughey can put on a costume and pretend to be a vampire instead of wearing his usual outfit and pretending to be interesting.
Tons of crappy scary movies hit the theaters around Halloween too, while a lot of good scary movies are shown on TV. For instance, even though I haven’t seen it, I imagine the latest SAW movie, and all the ones before it, is pretty crappy. Then again there have been about 18 of those, so people obviously like them. And to keep audiences coming back for that many sequels, the writers and producers obviously create wildly different plot lines for each one. I’m sure not one SAW movie looks anything like the others, and I would no doubt be completely lost by randomly picking one and watching it without first seeing the ones that came before it. So they’re probably pretty good after all.
For those that prefer movies with a little imagination, this week AMC has been running Alien and The Shining, two classic scary movies with great writing and top-notch directors. However they can’t hold a candle to Poltergeist, the scariest movie of all time. How can I definitively say it’s the scariest movie ever? Because I watched it when I was five or six years old and it gave me nightmares for a week. It’s scary as sh*t.
Now, you might say, “Why don’t you watch it as an adult and see if you still think it’s scary?” Well, I would watch it again except that when I watched it as a kid, it gave me nightmares for a week. It’s scary as sh*t! Did I not say that already?! Pay attention.
I can’t even watch the DirecTV commercial with the little girl from that movie because it’s too spooky. And you know the worst of it? Poltergeist is rated PG. It’s true. Get a hold of a copy and see for yourself. It came out before the PG-13 rating existed, but why it didn’t receive an R rating is beyond me. Aside from all the other freaky things in that movie, did you know there’s a scene in which a guy goes into the bathroom, looks at himself in the mirror and then PEELS HIS FACE OFF? And not the way Fred and Daphne would peel the masks off the bad guys at the end of Scooby Doo. He peels it off in little pieces, exposing a lot of stuff that you wouldn’t see unless you worked with cadavers. And it’s rated PG! Episodes of Desperate Housewives don’t even get that rating. We’ve definitely softened as a society.
But you know what? In some cases that’s a good thing. Sure it’s stupid that nowadays kids who play sports don’t know if they win or lose because no one ever keeps score, but on the flip side we no longer hear anyone say, “Good luck with your Small Pox.”
So yeah, Halloween. Enjoy it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Ugly Politics? Redundant.
“The man who invests his time in politics, follows it, studies it, believes in it, believes in its ability to sustain, broaden and improve society at large, to empower the common man to create a better life for himself and for those around him, is a man who might as well repeatedly bludgeon his balls with a hammer.” – Mohandas Gandhi
Ok, maybe Gandhi didn’t say that. Or maybe he did. Who knows? He’d probably say it if he were alive today. And living in the United States. And following U.S. politics. And if he lived in my house. And looked remarkably like me. And if he went by my name.
Ok, so maybe it’s just me. Gandhi would certainly deal with today’s nonsense better than I am. But he’d have his hands full.
Consider events of the last couple weeks: 50% of our country’s population openly cheered the fact that the U.S. was not awarded the Olympics, and 100% of the population openly decried the fact that our president was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Ugh.
If some alien life form were to read those two pieces of information, they’d likely think we’re a nation of self-loathers.
But this is not going to dissolve into an attack of one side or the other. That’s the problem. There’s too much attacking. We need something that erodes party lines, something that draws us together to achieve a common good. Something like Abe Lincoln’s “O’ Brotha', My Brotha'” speech.
To accomplish this, here are some things that I think need to happen over the next few weeks to unite us all:
TMZ captures footage of Keith Olbermann and Ann Coulter locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re expecting a child together.
To overcome his state’s tremendous deficit, Arnold Schwarzenegger agrees to sell California to Mexico. To alleviate fears of Californians and U.S. residents as a whole, the governor immediately erects a billboard along the state’s border that reads: “California – Now Owned by Mexico. The Difference? Absolutely Nothing.”
In an effort to end the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq sooner rather than later, President Obama changes tactics by removing all U.S. troops from both regions and replaces them with millions of pigeons and Dick Cheney, armed with nothing but a 12-gauge shotgun. Both countries surrender within 2 and ½ half weeks.
After harkening back to Vice President Joe Biden’s impassioned speech during the 2008 campaign, President Obama assigns Biden to spend the next 10 months riding the train back and forth from work to home, over and over, all day long. Excited, Biden asks the president if he wants him to brainstorm policy issues while spending his days riding the rails. Eager to not break his spirit, Obama smiles and says, “Hey why not?”
Stephen Colbert is awarded the honor of being the key-note speaker at every White House Press Corp dinner from now until his death, no matter who the president is.
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s first grandchild, agrees to pose in Playgirl magazine. That would be hilarious.
President Obama heads to L.A. for another appearance on Jay Leno’s show, presumably to atone for his off-color remark about the Special Olympics the last time he was on the show. Instead, Obama is unable to enter the studio because moments before he arrives, NBC announces it has traded Leno to CBS so that he can fulfill his long-overdue destiny as the replacement for Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.
TMZ captures footage of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re adopting the latest Gosselin child to run away from home.
MSNBC and FOX News agree to massive buyouts from HBO. As part of the agreement, each “news” networks’ correspondents are forced to live on a deserted island, similar to Survivor. The only difference to the popular reality show is that this version is hosted by Ryan Seacrest and the island is completely devoid of any cameras.
In a huge boost to the economy, the federal government raises more than enough money to pay for the funds needed for healthcare reform by tying Michael Moore to a tree on the White House lawn and posting a sign next to him that says, “Kicks to the Groin: $2.”
In a slightly smaller boost to the economy, the government buys the Washington Redskins, then turns around and sells the team to Canada. The Canadians are disappointed later when they learn, in their attempt to replace their most valued citizen, Pamela Anderson, that they misunderstood the U.S. when we said, “We have a bunch of boobs you might be interested in.”
And finally, after years of threatening to expand his country’s nuclear power and making claims that the Holocaust is a myth, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is captured by CIA agents in the middle of the night, stripped of all control of the nation, and forced to marry Kate Gosselin.
Ok, maybe Gandhi didn’t say that. Or maybe he did. Who knows? He’d probably say it if he were alive today. And living in the United States. And following U.S. politics. And if he lived in my house. And looked remarkably like me. And if he went by my name.
Ok, so maybe it’s just me. Gandhi would certainly deal with today’s nonsense better than I am. But he’d have his hands full.
Consider events of the last couple weeks: 50% of our country’s population openly cheered the fact that the U.S. was not awarded the Olympics, and 100% of the population openly decried the fact that our president was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Ugh.
If some alien life form were to read those two pieces of information, they’d likely think we’re a nation of self-loathers.
But this is not going to dissolve into an attack of one side or the other. That’s the problem. There’s too much attacking. We need something that erodes party lines, something that draws us together to achieve a common good. Something like Abe Lincoln’s “O’ Brotha', My Brotha'” speech.
To accomplish this, here are some things that I think need to happen over the next few weeks to unite us all:
TMZ captures footage of Keith Olbermann and Ann Coulter locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re expecting a child together.
To overcome his state’s tremendous deficit, Arnold Schwarzenegger agrees to sell California to Mexico. To alleviate fears of Californians and U.S. residents as a whole, the governor immediately erects a billboard along the state’s border that reads: “California – Now Owned by Mexico. The Difference? Absolutely Nothing.”
In an effort to end the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq sooner rather than later, President Obama changes tactics by removing all U.S. troops from both regions and replaces them with millions of pigeons and Dick Cheney, armed with nothing but a 12-gauge shotgun. Both countries surrender within 2 and ½ half weeks.
After harkening back to Vice President Joe Biden’s impassioned speech during the 2008 campaign, President Obama assigns Biden to spend the next 10 months riding the train back and forth from work to home, over and over, all day long. Excited, Biden asks the president if he wants him to brainstorm policy issues while spending his days riding the rails. Eager to not break his spirit, Obama smiles and says, “Hey why not?”
Stephen Colbert is awarded the honor of being the key-note speaker at every White House Press Corp dinner from now until his death, no matter who the president is.
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s first grandchild, agrees to pose in Playgirl magazine. That would be hilarious.
President Obama heads to L.A. for another appearance on Jay Leno’s show, presumably to atone for his off-color remark about the Special Olympics the last time he was on the show. Instead, Obama is unable to enter the studio because moments before he arrives, NBC announces it has traded Leno to CBS so that he can fulfill his long-overdue destiny as the replacement for Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.
TMZ captures footage of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck locked in the throws of passion at a New York City bus stop while waiting to begin their daily commutes. The two admit the affair has been going on for the past six months and that they’re adopting the latest Gosselin child to run away from home.
MSNBC and FOX News agree to massive buyouts from HBO. As part of the agreement, each “news” networks’ correspondents are forced to live on a deserted island, similar to Survivor. The only difference to the popular reality show is that this version is hosted by Ryan Seacrest and the island is completely devoid of any cameras.
In a huge boost to the economy, the federal government raises more than enough money to pay for the funds needed for healthcare reform by tying Michael Moore to a tree on the White House lawn and posting a sign next to him that says, “Kicks to the Groin: $2.”
In a slightly smaller boost to the economy, the government buys the Washington Redskins, then turns around and sells the team to Canada. The Canadians are disappointed later when they learn, in their attempt to replace their most valued citizen, Pamela Anderson, that they misunderstood the U.S. when we said, “We have a bunch of boobs you might be interested in.”
And finally, after years of threatening to expand his country’s nuclear power and making claims that the Holocaust is a myth, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is captured by CIA agents in the middle of the night, stripped of all control of the nation, and forced to marry Kate Gosselin.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Get Off My Lawn, Technology!
I’m no historical scholar. I’m also no technology guru. I’m no surveyor of societal movements. And, from this paragraph, you can obviously tell I’m no English teacher. All of that aside, it seems to me that today’s electronic breakthroughs, designed to make our lives easier, don’t do what they used to do (i.e. make our lives easier).
Inventions and/or advancements in technology used to do just that – advance us as a society. They improved upon the devices we use in everyday life or introduced something that vastly changed the way we live – like electricity or the automobile.
Nowadays it seems like our “advancements” are actually moving us backwards.
For instance, in the beginning, if a man of increased social stature, like a king or an overlord, wanted to communicate something to another man of similar stature, he would tell a less-prominent man the message and then send him running, possibly hundreds of miles, in the direction of the other king so he could relay the message roughly six months later. Then, just as the lowly runner arrived at the doorstep of the other king, he had to turn around and run back because he realized he forgot the attachment.
As time progressed, man created paper and ink, wrote the message down and tied it to a bird, which may or may not have delivered the note before eating it and pooping on the guy who was still running because his boss was slow to accept the newest technology. Eventually the kings/overlords decided to go back to using people to deliver messages, but because of the ability to write them on paper, the runners delivered hundreds of these letters in one trip and thus the postal system was created.
Communication changed forever with the invention of the telephone. Sure the postal industry still exists, but we no longer have to send a letter to our buddy three counties over to ask if he caught the end of the Bears game. We can exchange thoughts and ideas with someone on the other side of the planet as if they were standing right in front of us. Life has never been the same.
That is… until now.
Now, even though we still have the ability to talk to someone thousands of miles away while we drive, use the restroom or bother people in the movie theater, we opt to use our phones to type messages to the person on the other end of the line. Hmmm. I guess it’s a step up from using phones to hand write messages.
After all, talking to someone lets you easily pick up on their tone of voice and, if you say something funny, lets you hear them laugh. Boo! Who wants that? I’d much rather read about someone laughing, courtesy of the acronym LOL, which tells the typer that what they typed was funny enough to make their friend audibly chuckle.
Except that’s rarely the case. Whenever someone types LOL, they usually mean, “What you just typed was mildly amusing and may or may not have caused me to smile, but that’s about it.”
Then there’s the acronym LMAO, which indicates the reader laughed so vigorously that part of their anatomy is no longer attached to their body. This too is usually an exaggeration (except in extreme cases).
In addition to phones having typewriter capabilities, we’ve also made great strides in communicating with people over the Internet. These days we can log on and post a message to a friend or hundreds of friends at the same time. We can also send pictures and links, and receive responses from those same friends. Two of the most popular ways to do this are through Facebook and Twitter. Some of you out there, though, may remember this capability from about 15 years ago when it was called “e-mail.”
Thank God those days are over. E-mail is so archaic. It lets you send a message that’s as long as you want. No thank you! I much prefer to be limited to 140 characters. Plus, e-mail doesn’t let me see those (never-ending) handy updates from my friends on how far they’ve advanced in some online game.
So, given these trends in technological improvement, I’m wondering what’s next. Personally, I hope the airlines adopt a similar model of using an innovation from the past to improve their current efficiency. Perhaps on a trip from New York to L.A., we’ll one day sit in a plane that scoots along the ground as it’s pulled by a team of horses.
Maybe in the future, remote controls will be bolted to our televisions and wheelchairs will be operated by bicycle pedals. I’m sure in no time we’ll all be wearing see-through pants and shoes with holes in them as well. Yay! Oh wait… I think I’m a little late on that last one.
Whatever is on the horizon, I’ll be eagerly awaiting its arrival, shaking my fist at it from my rocking chair on the front porch.
Inventions and/or advancements in technology used to do just that – advance us as a society. They improved upon the devices we use in everyday life or introduced something that vastly changed the way we live – like electricity or the automobile.
Nowadays it seems like our “advancements” are actually moving us backwards.
For instance, in the beginning, if a man of increased social stature, like a king or an overlord, wanted to communicate something to another man of similar stature, he would tell a less-prominent man the message and then send him running, possibly hundreds of miles, in the direction of the other king so he could relay the message roughly six months later. Then, just as the lowly runner arrived at the doorstep of the other king, he had to turn around and run back because he realized he forgot the attachment.
As time progressed, man created paper and ink, wrote the message down and tied it to a bird, which may or may not have delivered the note before eating it and pooping on the guy who was still running because his boss was slow to accept the newest technology. Eventually the kings/overlords decided to go back to using people to deliver messages, but because of the ability to write them on paper, the runners delivered hundreds of these letters in one trip and thus the postal system was created.
Communication changed forever with the invention of the telephone. Sure the postal industry still exists, but we no longer have to send a letter to our buddy three counties over to ask if he caught the end of the Bears game. We can exchange thoughts and ideas with someone on the other side of the planet as if they were standing right in front of us. Life has never been the same.
That is… until now.
Now, even though we still have the ability to talk to someone thousands of miles away while we drive, use the restroom or bother people in the movie theater, we opt to use our phones to type messages to the person on the other end of the line. Hmmm. I guess it’s a step up from using phones to hand write messages.
After all, talking to someone lets you easily pick up on their tone of voice and, if you say something funny, lets you hear them laugh. Boo! Who wants that? I’d much rather read about someone laughing, courtesy of the acronym LOL, which tells the typer that what they typed was funny enough to make their friend audibly chuckle.
Except that’s rarely the case. Whenever someone types LOL, they usually mean, “What you just typed was mildly amusing and may or may not have caused me to smile, but that’s about it.”
Then there’s the acronym LMAO, which indicates the reader laughed so vigorously that part of their anatomy is no longer attached to their body. This too is usually an exaggeration (except in extreme cases).
In addition to phones having typewriter capabilities, we’ve also made great strides in communicating with people over the Internet. These days we can log on and post a message to a friend or hundreds of friends at the same time. We can also send pictures and links, and receive responses from those same friends. Two of the most popular ways to do this are through Facebook and Twitter. Some of you out there, though, may remember this capability from about 15 years ago when it was called “e-mail.”
Thank God those days are over. E-mail is so archaic. It lets you send a message that’s as long as you want. No thank you! I much prefer to be limited to 140 characters. Plus, e-mail doesn’t let me see those (never-ending) handy updates from my friends on how far they’ve advanced in some online game.
So, given these trends in technological improvement, I’m wondering what’s next. Personally, I hope the airlines adopt a similar model of using an innovation from the past to improve their current efficiency. Perhaps on a trip from New York to L.A., we’ll one day sit in a plane that scoots along the ground as it’s pulled by a team of horses.
Maybe in the future, remote controls will be bolted to our televisions and wheelchairs will be operated by bicycle pedals. I’m sure in no time we’ll all be wearing see-through pants and shoes with holes in them as well. Yay! Oh wait… I think I’m a little late on that last one.
Whatever is on the horizon, I’ll be eagerly awaiting its arrival, shaking my fist at it from my rocking chair on the front porch.
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