Pull My Finger. Or Just Give Me a Push

I’ve got gas. And thank goodness.

Sometimes it’s inconvenient and mildly embarrassing, but I’ve never been more happy to be full of gas. Well, for my car to be full of gas, I mean.

Just like the rest of the country, Louisville saw record highs in its gas prices this past week, when gas topped out at roughly $12.95 a gallon. With the nearest station holding out for a couple of hours before implementing the increase, cars were recently backed up into the highway waiting to fill up. Thankfully I had just filled up two days earlier. Not that it really matters.

If I have three quarters of a tank on the day of an expected price increase, I always think to myself, “Cool, I should be able to ride this out until it goes down again.” But of course that’s never happened because for at least the past two years, the price of gas has jumped 90 cents every week. So I guess my euphoria over having plenty of gas will soon (pardon the pun) pass.

Despite the fact that the price of everything (minus homes, of course) is on the rise, and always has been, it’s the price of gas that seems to make everyone nostalgic. Just think, 17 year olds everywhere are saying things like, “I can remember when gas never got above $3.15 a gallon.” Yeah, those were the good ol’ days.

But there are ways to deal with the rapid increase. Just the other day I was watching a CNN correspondent go over ways that we can improve our gas mileage to ease our “pain at the pump.” For instance, keeping your tires at their correct air pressure will help increase your mileage by five percent. That’s important because it means instead of having to fill up on a Thursday morning, you won’t have to fill up until Thursday afternoon. Possibly even late afternoon.

It’s painful to think about, but I guess things could get worse. People say all the time that even now we shouldn’t complain because Europeans regularly pay $4 - $5 a gallon for gas. The only problem with that argument is that Europeans are affected very little by the price of gas because they hardly drive. And who can blame them. With the steering wheel located on the right side of their cars, they constantly have to find a friend to ride in the passenger seat so they’ll have someone to work the pedals. Either that or occasionally they’ll use a stick to poke at the pedals from the other side, but that has to be near impossible if they’re driving a manual transmission.

Anyway, the future doesn’t look much brighter. Pretty soon we’ll all be filling up our giant empty tubs of Sam’s Club mayonnaise with gasoline just so we’ll have reserves before the next big hike. We could always walk more or ride bikes or buy smaller, more fuel-efficient cars, but I’m trying to think in a practical manner.

Hands at 10 and 2. Right?

This is a message to the guy driving next to me one day last week who was holding a cup of Starbucks in one hand and his cell phone in the other: Thank you for not killing me or anyone else. At least not during the tenth of a second that I stayed on the road after noticing you. Who knows what happened after I steered into a ditch and hid under my seat until I felt like it was safe to drive again.

Actually, I never really did feel safe again. I contemplated walking the remaining 10 miles to work, lest I get back on the road and discover someone else next to me who might be drinking a cup of coffee, talking on their cell phone and showering. I know this has been asked a thousand times before, but seriously, what happens to us when we drive?

It seems driving has just become so boring that it can no longer hold our attention past the time it takes to back out of the driveway. And talking on a cell phone is now one of the least dangerous things a person can do while driving, thanks to the ability to type on a cell phone. Then again, instead of boredom, maybe the collective IQ of the driving population simply drops a few dozen points each time we put the key in the ignition.

Consider the woman in Oregon, as reported in the Chicago Tribune, who was drunk and then got in the car to drive to ... (can you guess?) ... (I bet you can't) ... the police station. Was it to turn herself in for driving drunk, you ask? Nope. She was driving to the police station to ... (wanna try again?) ... (you'll never get this one) ... that's right, to work. Not only did she get drunk before driving to her job, but she got drunk before driving to her job at a police station.

Then there's the guy in Pennsylvania, also reported in the Chicago Tribune, who thought he'd get a better view by climbing on the roof of his car while it was still proceeding down the highway. If you can't guess what happened next, here's the link. And you shouldn't be driving either.

Maybe the concept of cars and how they work just eludes a lot of people. Take the man in New Zealand who couldn't get his SUV parked just right, and it wound up plowing into a man on his toilet. Then again, you can't really blame the guy for not knowing how to park his car since his country's main mode of transportation is still sheep.

But hey, I realize no one has a perfect driving record. A couple of weeks ago I drove my son to daycare with him sitting on my lap, a la Britney Spears, which my wife was delighted to hear about. I don't make a habit of it. I only do it on those days when I don't put him in his car seat.

Anyway, my point is let's try to be safe out there. Remember to keep your hands on the wheel, the talking to a minimum, and if you must be one with nature, buy a car with a sun roof.

You Take One Down and Pass it Around...

Have you ever been at a party, particularly during college, or some other social gathering, and asked someone, "How's the beer?" only to hear them say, "Tastes like horse piss"?

I don't know about you, but whenever I hear this I immediately assume that means the beer doesn't taste very good. I say "assume" because I don't know for certain what horse piss actually tastes like, having never tried any. That is, until this past weekend.

After trying it, I realize that all those times that I thought people were less than satisfied with the quality of their beverages, it turns out they must have been enjoying them after all. Horse piss is quite good. And to think of all the times I've turned down a drink that tastes as good as horse piss. I guess I should be glad I discovered it when I did.

Horse piss is light, smooth and, surprisingly, doesn't leave an aftertaste (that was my biggest concern when first trying it). I certainly recommend it. Unfortunately horse piss can't be enjoyed from the tap. But you can purchase some in four 12-oz. bottles at many retail locations, or by visiting this website.

As far as micro-brewed beers go (what did you think I meant?), it doesn't have the flavor or richness of a lot of other locally brewed beers, but it compares favorably to a lot of popular domestic brews, such as Bud Light or Miller Lite. So the next time someone tells you that their beer tastes like horse piss, first understand that you're probably cavorting with a member of high society who enjoys the finer things in life. Then crack open a bottle and slurp some down.