Hands at 10 and 2. Right?

This is a message to the guy driving next to me one day last week who was holding a cup of Starbucks in one hand and his cell phone in the other: Thank you for not killing me or anyone else. At least not during the tenth of a second that I stayed on the road after noticing you. Who knows what happened after I steered into a ditch and hid under my seat until I felt like it was safe to drive again.

Actually, I never really did feel safe again. I contemplated walking the remaining 10 miles to work, lest I get back on the road and discover someone else next to me who might be drinking a cup of coffee, talking on their cell phone and showering. I know this has been asked a thousand times before, but seriously, what happens to us when we drive?

It seems driving has just become so boring that it can no longer hold our attention past the time it takes to back out of the driveway. And talking on a cell phone is now one of the least dangerous things a person can do while driving, thanks to the ability to type on a cell phone. Then again, instead of boredom, maybe the collective IQ of the driving population simply drops a few dozen points each time we put the key in the ignition.

Consider the woman in Oregon, as reported in the Chicago Tribune, who was drunk and then got in the car to drive to ... (can you guess?) ... (I bet you can't) ... the police station. Was it to turn herself in for driving drunk, you ask? Nope. She was driving to the police station to ... (wanna try again?) ... (you'll never get this one) ... that's right, to work. Not only did she get drunk before driving to her job, but she got drunk before driving to her job at a police station.

Then there's the guy in Pennsylvania, also reported in the Chicago Tribune, who thought he'd get a better view by climbing on the roof of his car while it was still proceeding down the highway. If you can't guess what happened next, here's the link. And you shouldn't be driving either.

Maybe the concept of cars and how they work just eludes a lot of people. Take the man in New Zealand who couldn't get his SUV parked just right, and it wound up plowing into a man on his toilet. Then again, you can't really blame the guy for not knowing how to park his car since his country's main mode of transportation is still sheep.

But hey, I realize no one has a perfect driving record. A couple of weeks ago I drove my son to daycare with him sitting on my lap, a la Britney Spears, which my wife was delighted to hear about. I don't make a habit of it. I only do it on those days when I don't put him in his car seat.

Anyway, my point is let's try to be safe out there. Remember to keep your hands on the wheel, the talking to a minimum, and if you must be one with nature, buy a car with a sun roof.