It's Not Tea, But it Sounds Like Jolly Good Fun

Well, as you may have heard, the Fourth of July is upon us – a holiday in which most of us celebrate our independence either by seriously injuring ourselves while improperly discharging fireworks, or by watching Will Smith movies. Then again, I’m sure at some point, somewhere, hundreds of people in a cramped theater have seriously injured themselves while watching a Will Smith movie.

This second, and more recent tradition started back in the mid ‘90s when a Will Smith movie in which he battles aliens premiered on the day that shares its name with the title of the film: The Legend of Bagger Vance. In it, Bill Pullman plays the president, Will Smith plays Muhammad Ali, and Tommy Lee Jones plays a space alien who spends the majority of the movie looking for Harrison Ford. Frankly, the film had too many plot twists for my taste.

Fortunately there are other ways to enjoy the holiday. For instance, many people will spend the day taking in a baseball game, unless of course those people are Pittsburgh Pirates fans. Those people will more likely spend the day seriously injuring themselves. Not necessarily with fireworks, but by any means possible.

The Fourth of July is also a popular time to barbecue. Americans pride ourselves on the ability to cook almost anything over an open flame: hot dogs, hamburgers, steaks, chicken, fish, bratwursts, pork chops, prime ribs, shiskabobs, smores, Will Smith albums, etc…

Unfortunately, all of this fun in the name of our independence eventually started rubbing England the wrong way. To squelch some of our merriment and deliver a little retribution for fleeing their iron hand, the Brits created something known as Wimbledon. For those who prefer to watch more popular sports such as backgammon or monkeys driving soapbox cars, Wimbledon is an event in which athletes are not only subjected to playing tennis, but they’re forced to travel to England to do it.

The Brits don’t fare particularly well during this tournament, but they’re happy simply watching American athletes, the men anyway, humiliate themselves on their courts. Thankfully, the Williams sisters have represented American female tennis very well at Wimbledon over the last decade. The men, however, are another story. For a while, we were quite proud, thanks to Pete Sampras, who won 42 consecutive men’s Wimbledon titles. Even England didn’t mind Pete’s domination, mainly because they thought he was British, due to his personality. (It was often said that Pete was as lively as a mannequin on sedatives.) After discovering he was in fact American, Pete was banned from Wimbledon and the U.S. men have done poorly ever since.

It’s gotten so bad that Congress has actually drafted a bill to ensure a return to dominance for the U.S. men by making it mandatory that every year we send over Will Smith to compete in the tournament. But even if the bill doesn’t pass, the British can’t dampen our spirits with their Wimbledon and their Pittsburgh Pirates. We’ll always have our fireworks and hot dogs and hero movies and 50% off mattress sales.

So however you choose to celebrate, have a safe and happy Fourth of July.