Stupid Sign, You're Not the Boss of Me

Directly above the scale in my doctor’s office is a nondescript, four-word sign that reads:

Eat Less
Exercise More

Simple enough premise. And perhaps a little pretentious considering the sign never knows who’s reading it at any given time. Nowhere does it say, “If you are more than 30 lbs. overweight,” or “If you are at risk for diabetes,” or “If you get winded tying your shoes.” Instead it prescribes the same regimen to any and all who stand before it.

Eat Less
Exercise More

The nurse taking my weight doesn’t say a word. No comment on whether the number is acceptable, or what I should do before my next visit. No need to; the sign says it all. It practically looms as a wooden, wall-mounted medical expert. One can’t help but feel it’s there to cut the doctor’s work in half, dispensing advice in a sort of drive-thru manner.

“Well, your cholesterol is a little high, but your blood pressure is in check. All in all, things look pretty good. By the way, did you see the sign?” asks the doctor.

“Yes,” I might say.

“Good. Then I think we’re all done here.”

With each visit, I grow increasingly disappointed by my doctor’s decision to display such a sign. In this day and age, it’s just irresponsible. If marketing has taught us anything about health, it’s that if you’re going to “eat less,” you must focus on one item and cut it out of your diet entirely - fat, trans fat, carbs, sugar, salt, red meat, protein, etc. At some point, depending on the latest fad, all of these were acceptable subtractions. To simply “eat less,” however, is rather vague. It doesn’t even answer the question of how many shakes followed by sensible dinners to plan for.

Just as vague and equally unhelpful is the exercise part. How long should I exercise? Seven minutes a day, or eight? Should I enlist the assistance of Chuck Norris, Billy Blanks or Tony Little? How much is too much to pay for a gym membership or the advice of a personal trainer?

Given all the expert nutritional and aerobic information available, this sign has its work cut out for it without the endorsement of Muscle Magazine or the International Diet Institute of South Beach.

I’ve feared for some time now that my physician has let today’s common medical practices pass him by. He’s simply of an older generation that is not up on modern medicine. Who exercises anymore? For that matter, despite all the food fads mentioned earlier, who even diets anymore? Doesn’t weight loss come in pill form now? And eating less while exercising more will only leave me hungry and tired. According to my 18-month-old son, that is not an agreeable condition.

I understand the need for good health, but he should realize what he’s asking. Following this kind of regular routine would require a moderate amount of will power. Even though the sign doesn’t say so, we all know that “eating less” requires eating less things that taste good. No one ever says to cut back on asparagus or eggplant. It’s always cookies and pies and things that make life worth living.

Then there’s exercise, which usually consists of moving followed by sweating. And after enduring a lot of moving and a lot more sweating, I'll be expected to do it all over again a day or so later. Eventually soreness will set in, and maybe even some cramping. Then not only will exercising be painful, but so will all of my other daily activities. As a reward for undergoing all of this, I can treat myself to a nice head of lettuce. Somehow this is supposed to be beneficial?

Frankly, when it comes to what’s best for his patients, I think my doctor has gotten lazy. Guess I could always find a new one. Then again that sounds like a big hassle.

What the Doctor Prescribed

Amidst the presidential election, the fallout of the economy, hurricanes, gas prices, global warming and the return of O.J., the widely-discussed controversy over prescription drugs has recently fallen by the wayside.

By the way, speaking of O.J., there is dumb and then there is “O.J. dumb.” Here’s what I imagine was the last thought running through his head just before he burst into the hotel room in Las Vegas:

“OK Juice, let’s think about this – I’ve been given a pass to live the rest of my life as a free man despite killing two people, so tempting fate by stealing a couple of autographed pictures might not be a good idea. However, surely a jury wouldn’t hold my past crime against me, despite the evidence that there’s no one else on the planet who could have committed those murders, and surely they won’t be bothered by the fact that I’ve spent my free time playing golf and trying to publish books that describe how I committed the crime. I’m completely confident that twelve people could come together and agree to block that out of their heads and focus on this new crime I’m about to commit. Besides, even if they do find me guilty, how much trouble can I get into for kidnapping and armed robbery anyway? I’m gonna do it. I’m O.J. Simpson. I was in Naked Gun, damnit!”

Back to my point – prescription drugs. My wife and I talk regularly about the mass marketing of prescription drugs. Through diligent scientific research (i.e. lazy assumptions), we have concluded that, as a whole, society is probably a little over-medicated.

We try to counterbalance this by not continually driving in and out of pharmacies. For instance, I’m quite sure I have ADD. I would sooner defend O.J. than sit through another Peter Jackson movie. Am I taking anything for it? Nope. Although it’s largely because trained specialists who have spent years studying my behavior (i.e. my wife) typically refer to my condition as “distracted by television.” But whatever. I soldier on.

However, when it comes to being sick, I don’t soldier on and I don’t espouse on the over-medication of society. I want drugs.

Like a couple of weeks ago, when I had a sore throat, severely enflamed tonsils, a non-stop cough, the shakes, a full-body itch, and I was bleeding out of my eyes and ears, I went to see my doctor. Unfortunately, he is a little “old-school” and is against over-medicating his patients during times that I don’t typically agree with – like when I go to see him. Luckily, he did in fact prescribe something for me, but when I told people what it was, the overwhelming response was, “that’s what they give babies.”

This was not encouraging. I am not a baby. Not physically speaking anyway. Well, unless you pinch me really hard. But scientists and anthropologists would not classify someone my size as a baby. OK, maybe I’d qualify as an American-sized baby, but not a Chinese baby or a European baby. The point is, the drug wasn’t strong enough and I was back in his office two weeks later with the same cough.

That surely could have been avoided if my first visit had gone more like I wanted. More like this:

Dr: “So how are you feeling?”

Me: “I think I have a pine cone stuck in my esophagus. What can you give me?”

Dr: “Well, there’s this drug that the FDA has been slow to approve. It’s from Mexico, and it can only be smuggled in under the cover of night. Anyone caught trying to get it across our border will probably spend more time in prison than if they’re caught smuggling heroin. To be honest, it hasn’t even been tested on rats, let alone people.”

Me: “How soon can it get here?”

Dr: “A shipment came in just last night. Now, this is the part of your visit when I always remind you that I’ve only completed the first two years of medical school, so I can’t legally prescribe this to...”

Me: (interrupting) “I’m cool if you are.”

Dr: “Great.”

Look, it’s probably not best for people to take a lot of crap that isn’t completely necessary, but there are times when some hard-core drugs are necessary.

Last year, I had a staph infection in my finger. I didn’t know what it was, but my finger swelled up and turned unusual colors, so I went to an emergency care center. I thought about seeing my regular doctor instead, but not only would I have had to wait for an appointment, I also worried that he would look at it and say, “Go home and dip your finger in a warm cup of tea. With lemon – that part is important. While you’re doing this, be sure to think happy thoughts. It should clear up in 2-3 weeks.”

The emergency care physician did not prescribe tea. He prescribed the good stuff and, sure enough, it cleared up in 2-3 days. Not weeks.

Why is all this important? Because you need to talk to your kids about drugs. Tell them to take something strong and quit coughing on me. Little twerps.

ECON S.O.S.

Regular readers of this site (which currently totals -3 people) know that this is the place to turn for updates on less-prominent news events. If a story was barely covered or even completely ignored by the mainstream media, existing only in the far reaches of cyberspace or sparsely-read no-name newspapers, you will find it here. But only if I have time to find these stories after reporting even more obscure oddities I dig up on my own.

This week is no different. Most of you, no doubt, are completely unaware that the economy is in a downturn. Actually, it’s worse than a downturn. You probably didn’t know that the President went on national television recently to explain how bad it is, saying the U.S. economy is “in the shitter.” Of course, being the President, and being on national television, he didn’t use those exact words. He had the tact and decency to say the U.S. economy is “in the crapper.”

Apparently our economy has committed such an indefensible crime, that the government is required to post a $700 billion “bailout” to get it out of trouble. I’m not sure what kind of underhanded activity constitutes setting bail at $700 billion, but it must have been pretty bad. Public intoxication? Lewd and obscene behavior? Sexual harassment? Jaywalking with your dog off a leash and not picking up its poop?

Our economy must have done all these things simultaneously. Shame on you, economy.

Now the select few that are following this situation are asking, “Should the government bail out the economy?” or “Should they leave it in lockup so it’ll learn its lesson and realize it needs to quit drinking, get off the coke, dump its loser friends, take responsibility of its kids, start respecting the elderly, get a haircut, a nice suit and a steady job?”

The people that support the ‘tough love’ strategy continue to point out an interview the economy gave to the New York Times, before the bottom fell out, where it called Britney Spears a “light weight” and a “line toter.” Ouch.

Naturally no one can agree on what to do or how we got here. Everyone is to blame, from Republicans to Democrats to Independents to the credit lenders to the mortgage institutions to the media to immigrants to Starbucks to Raiders’ owner Al Davis.

And the uncertainty of the future is the most frightening part. Will we all lose our homes? Will we pay $6 a gallon for gas? Are the Mets afraid the playoffs will give them cooties?

I’m not too scared of being impacted personally, but I can’t dismiss the danger altogether. I know from recent experience, for instance, that if the government orders my power turned off, I will not hold up psychologically for more than 2-3 days. Without television, the thought of once again being forced to read or, worse yet, interact with my family is too much to bear.

So let’s hope and pray it doesn’t get to that point. Hang in there, economy. We’re all pulling for you.