ECON S.O.S.

Regular readers of this site (which currently totals -3 people) know that this is the place to turn for updates on less-prominent news events. If a story was barely covered or even completely ignored by the mainstream media, existing only in the far reaches of cyberspace or sparsely-read no-name newspapers, you will find it here. But only if I have time to find these stories after reporting even more obscure oddities I dig up on my own.

This week is no different. Most of you, no doubt, are completely unaware that the economy is in a downturn. Actually, it’s worse than a downturn. You probably didn’t know that the President went on national television recently to explain how bad it is, saying the U.S. economy is “in the shitter.” Of course, being the President, and being on national television, he didn’t use those exact words. He had the tact and decency to say the U.S. economy is “in the crapper.”

Apparently our economy has committed such an indefensible crime, that the government is required to post a $700 billion “bailout” to get it out of trouble. I’m not sure what kind of underhanded activity constitutes setting bail at $700 billion, but it must have been pretty bad. Public intoxication? Lewd and obscene behavior? Sexual harassment? Jaywalking with your dog off a leash and not picking up its poop?

Our economy must have done all these things simultaneously. Shame on you, economy.

Now the select few that are following this situation are asking, “Should the government bail out the economy?” or “Should they leave it in lockup so it’ll learn its lesson and realize it needs to quit drinking, get off the coke, dump its loser friends, take responsibility of its kids, start respecting the elderly, get a haircut, a nice suit and a steady job?”

The people that support the ‘tough love’ strategy continue to point out an interview the economy gave to the New York Times, before the bottom fell out, where it called Britney Spears a “light weight” and a “line toter.” Ouch.

Naturally no one can agree on what to do or how we got here. Everyone is to blame, from Republicans to Democrats to Independents to the credit lenders to the mortgage institutions to the media to immigrants to Starbucks to Raiders’ owner Al Davis.

And the uncertainty of the future is the most frightening part. Will we all lose our homes? Will we pay $6 a gallon for gas? Are the Mets afraid the playoffs will give them cooties?

I’m not too scared of being impacted personally, but I can’t dismiss the danger altogether. I know from recent experience, for instance, that if the government orders my power turned off, I will not hold up psychologically for more than 2-3 days. Without television, the thought of once again being forced to read or, worse yet, interact with my family is too much to bear.

So let’s hope and pray it doesn’t get to that point. Hang in there, economy. We’re all pulling for you.