With the swine flu having reached the U.S. and parts of Europe, people are starting to panic about how widespread the virus will become. As a result, all sorts of myths and rumors have emerged regarding the illness. As always, this blog is here to provide nothing but the facts regarding this powerful threat.
Depending on your region of the globe, swine flu has many names, including ‘hog cough,’ ‘pig pneumonia’ and ‘bacon bronchitis.’ Questions raged early on about how it spreads, with many medical professionals believing it stems from people having “relations” with pigs. That of course has been dismissed. Now medical professionals believe it’s linked to people having relations with infected pigs. Doctors are also warning that swine flu can be spread whenever a police officer sneezes on you.
Symptoms include fever, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting, curly tail, snorting when you laugh, refusing to clean up after yourself, making derogatory comments towards women, and tasting delicious with applesauce.
Many worried citizens have confused their swine flu symptoms with those of the bird flu, but it’s important to remember that bird flu symptoms include fever, coughing, sore throat, worm breath and pooping on cars.
If you in fact have swine flu, your doctor will likely suggest a steady diet of fruits and vegetables, a few prescription pain killers, and 5-6 gallons of water sipped from a trough.
Health officials have announced that everything within a 15-mile radius of Senator Henry Waxman’s house is currently under quarantine.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Maybe It Was Bernie Madoff
Despite my aversions to the latest breakthroughs in technology, as mentioned in an earlier post to this blog, I at least emerged myself years ago in the joys of online banking. There is no joy, however, when you log into your checking account and see parentheses around the number that’s listed in the ‘Available Balance’ column. At that moment there is only fear. Well, and panic. And some slight rage.
If you’ve never seen parentheses around your ‘Available Balance’ figure, it means you’ve never been overdrawn on your account. If you have seen the parentheses, your first thought is undoubtedly always the same as mine, “My bank is stealing from me.”
Sadly, if this were 2007, that would be seen as a joke. Now, that very well could be the case for a lot of people. But before I sought revenge by driving to my nearest branch and dropping off a busload of Hannah Montana concert-goers, I looked at my check book to see if my math was wrong or if I forgot to subtract an earlier transaction. Three and a half days later I discovered it was both of those things.
I think I would have enjoyed getting tangled up in a lengthy, bitter, expensive lawsuit with my bank (and ultimately losing) more than I enjoyed figuring out where my math went wrong. I also would have enjoyed getting tangled up in a lengthy, bitter, expensive alligator attack more too.
At this point, you’re probably wondering, “Why don’t you have overdraft protection?”
My response to that is, “Why don’t you shut up?”
Why would I want to deprive the bank of charging me $50 for kindly pointing out that my account has a negative balance? Besides, if I don’t have enough money to keep my account in the black, I can certainly afford to go another $50 into debt.
So pish to your overdraft protection. Pish, I say.
If you’ve never seen parentheses around your ‘Available Balance’ figure, it means you’ve never been overdrawn on your account. If you have seen the parentheses, your first thought is undoubtedly always the same as mine, “My bank is stealing from me.”
Sadly, if this were 2007, that would be seen as a joke. Now, that very well could be the case for a lot of people. But before I sought revenge by driving to my nearest branch and dropping off a busload of Hannah Montana concert-goers, I looked at my check book to see if my math was wrong or if I forgot to subtract an earlier transaction. Three and a half days later I discovered it was both of those things.
I think I would have enjoyed getting tangled up in a lengthy, bitter, expensive lawsuit with my bank (and ultimately losing) more than I enjoyed figuring out where my math went wrong. I also would have enjoyed getting tangled up in a lengthy, bitter, expensive alligator attack more too.
At this point, you’re probably wondering, “Why don’t you have overdraft protection?”
My response to that is, “Why don’t you shut up?”
Why would I want to deprive the bank of charging me $50 for kindly pointing out that my account has a negative balance? Besides, if I don’t have enough money to keep my account in the black, I can certainly afford to go another $50 into debt.
So pish to your overdraft protection. Pish, I say.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Some Post-Easter and Pre-Tax Day Yuks
A few jokes for today...
As part of a sudden change in plans for reviving the economy, President Obama announced today that the U.S. is officially filing for divorce from Mel Gibson.
Many Pittsburgh baseball fans were excited to hear about this story until they realized the outcome would not be affecting their team’s Major League roster.
When a story leads off with this sentence, “A polar bear attacked a woman at a Berlin Zoo Friday afternoon after she climbed a fence and jumped into its habitat during feeding time, police said Saturday,” (brace for the picture) it’s a good indication that prices at the zoo’s concession stands have gotten out of hand.
There was an article on cnn.com yesterday about the "laws of attraction" between men and women. It's time for all these scientists and “love experts” to stop wasting their time studying why certain people are attracted to each other, and just admit that how attracted a woman is to a man depends on the success of his band, and how attracted a man is to a woman depends on whether or not she ever had a penis.
Good night! Enjoy the veal, tip your waitress.
As part of a sudden change in plans for reviving the economy, President Obama announced today that the U.S. is officially filing for divorce from Mel Gibson.
Many Pittsburgh baseball fans were excited to hear about this story until they realized the outcome would not be affecting their team’s Major League roster.
When a story leads off with this sentence, “A polar bear attacked a woman at a Berlin Zoo Friday afternoon after she climbed a fence and jumped into its habitat during feeding time, police said Saturday,” (brace for the picture) it’s a good indication that prices at the zoo’s concession stands have gotten out of hand.
There was an article on cnn.com yesterday about the "laws of attraction" between men and women. It's time for all these scientists and “love experts” to stop wasting their time studying why certain people are attracted to each other, and just admit that how attracted a woman is to a man depends on the success of his band, and how attracted a man is to a woman depends on whether or not she ever had a penis.
Good night! Enjoy the veal, tip your waitress.
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