Happy at the Bottom

To me, climbing the corporate ladder sounds as much fun as falling off an actual ladder and hitting every rung with my face on the way down.

Is it a lack of ambition? Maybe.

Laziness? Sure.

But mostly I don’t want to be anyone’s boss, and I’m sure no one would want me to be theirs.

One reason I’m not “management material” is because, despite not wanting to supervise people, I would take seriously the task of hiring employees, which immediately disqualifies me for the job. For instance, I would try to learn as much as I could about a potential employee’s personality and not just get them to rehash their resume. Instead of asking ridiculous, formulaic questions like, “Give me an example from your previous job when you successfully overcame an obstacle,” I would ask questions like, “After the first month or two of working here, will everyone think you’re a total douche?”

Habitually late, poor hygiene, steals from the company… I don’t care. But if the new guy always uses the middle stall in a men’s room with only three stalls, I couldn’t live with myself for hiring him.

Managers are also in a no-win situation. If my meticulous hiring practices paid off and everyone liked one another and worked well together, the only one left for them to turn on would be me. And they would because I’m not sure I could turn off my supervisory sensor after leaving the office.

What if, while enjoying a Saturday night out, you saw one of your employees get thrown out of a bar for acting like a drunken nuisance? It’s happened to a lot of people, and it doesn’t make anyone a criminal, but can you really ignore that come Monday morning?

What if, while driving home one night, you see a car pulled over by a police officer and notice it’s one of your employees? At first you assume he was just pulled over for speeding, but as you pass the scene, you start to wonder if the cop will want to inspect the car. He could find something that might be a tad bothersome, like pot, or something slightly more worrisome, like a body. Some might argue that’s even worse than always using the middle stall. I would not argue this, but someone else might.

And the boss always has to be careful of a watchful eye too, right? Let’s say you bump into a colleague at the drug store while nervously scanning the condom aisle. As the boss, do you immediately grab the box labeled ‘Magnum,’ knowing that if you don’t, you risk losing the respect of your employee and everyone in your department (since he’ll surely tell everyone)? On top of that, do you load up your cart with eight or nine boxes and shoot him a confident look that says, “That’s right, I’m grabbing eight or nine boxes”?

Or what if you, the boss, are at the pharmacy on your lunch break, and the guy you just interviewed for a job is strolling through the same aisle? Do you say to yourself, “He’s being responsible” or do you eliminate him from consideration because you think he won’t be willing to work weekends? What if he grabs the ‘Magnums,’ but the job you’re hiring for is a professional stair climber? You can’t hire him now because it would mean imminent disaster (mostly for the stair climber).

See, there’s just too much to worry about. I couldn’t do it. Let me climb the corporate chair or one of those midget ladders you use for painting indoors.