Just Call Me Stretch

A couple weeks ago, I shared a moment in my life from years ago that forever changed the way I view the world. I’m excited to announce that just this past week I experienced another one of these moments. And this time I can say that it will literally change my view from a physical standpoint.

For the better part of 15 years, I’ve thought that I was 5’ 8”. It turns out I am in fact 5’ 9”.

It’s true. Let that sink in for a minute. I’ve spent my entire adult life believing that I’m significantly shorter than I actually am. I don’t know how this happened.

Maybe my doctor got it wrong during a physical way back when. Maybe I’ve heard friends of mine who are the same height say that they’re 5’ 8” and figured I must be too. Maybe I’ve actually grown an inch over the last 15 years, putting me on pace to be just as tall as the average NBA player by the time I’m in my mid-120s.

Discovering the mistake came easy enough. My son was playing with the tape measure, and after I measured his height, he wanted me to check my own. I obliged, showed him the number and then glanced at it myself, even though I knew what it said. Or I thought I knew.

I was both excited and stunned. “I’m a beast,” I thought.

Then I wondered how different my life would be if I had known all these years that I’m tall. Would I have been popular in high school? Maybe my increased confidence level would have helped me talk to girls without wetting myself. I would have always sat in the front row on airplanes for the extra leg room. I certainly never would have bought a two-door Honda Civic. Perhaps my autobiography and Wilt Chamberlain’s would be eerily similar. At the very least, my driver’s license would say that I’m a towering 5’ 9” instead of a diminutive 5’ 8”.

That’s another thing – the government thinks that I’m short. Should I tell them the truth now, or will they punish me for misrepresentation all these years? Do tall people pay more taxes?

My wife reminded me that she’s 5’8” and that I’m taller than her, so she couldn’t figure out why I was surprised. But I always figured female heights are different from men’s, like foot measurements or pant sizes. For a man, a size 34 in pants means something vastly different than what it means for a woman. How was I to know?

One thing I do know – at one of my son’s recent doctor visits, his pediatrician predicted that, based on his current height and age, he would be over 6 feet. We used to wonder where he got the genes to grow that tall. Not anymore.

You’re welcome, son.