Won't Anyone Think of the Children?!

So yesterday we took to the polls to vote for candidates for the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives, in what turned out to be a milestone election. I say “milestone” because that’s what everyone else is saying. Why was it a milestone? Beats me, ask them. The election is also being described as “important,” “very important,” “gravely important” and even “historic.” So I guess we might as well throw “milestone” in there too.

The Republicans had the most to smile about, as they regained control of the House and won new seats in the Senate, and are now in charge of fixing the economy. Which means yesterday they celebrated, and today they’re asking, “I’m sorry, you want us to do what now?”

And who can blame them? No one knows how to fix the economy. Republicans couldn’t do it 5-6 years ago, the Democrats haven’t been able to do it for the last 2-4 years, so the country decided the best thing to do was to let Republicans try again. It’s like choosing to be punched in the face or punched in the crotch.

But it was that time again, time to vote for the new or the same. So we voted. The only problem is, no matter which party we vote for, we always go to the polls thinking we’re voting to see future headlines that read: “The Economy is Booming” and “Unemployment is at an All-Time Low” and “Everyone Has Affordable Healthcare from Providers that Gladly Answer the Phone Whenever You Call” and “The U.S. No Longer Has a Drug Problem, Immigration Problem, Low Test Scores or a Shared Border with Canada.” Yay!

But the truth is, we actually vote for whether or not we’ll see headlines like this: “Elected Official Tries to Sell Senate Seat” or “Elected Official Solicits a Prostitute” or “Elected Official Buys Crack from Prostitute” or “Elected Official Stabs Prostitute for Taking the Last Chocolate Swirl at Local Dunkin’ Donuts.” The best we can hope for is scandalous headlines that are different from the previous term’s scandalous headlines.

Illicit activities are so commonplace among politicians, so accepted, that their misdeeds are used against them in campaign attack ads. Now, you probably think that makes perfect sense. While negative campaign ads are endlessly irritating, it’s only natural that candidates use their opponents’ crimes against them. But think about what that means. It means that despite a candidate’s seedy, possibly criminal history, THEY KEEP RUNNING. How many ads have you seen like this:

“Remember when Gov. Tim Stinkmouth urinated on that homeless guy? That’s because Gov. Stinkmouth doesn’t care about the homeless. And he doesn’t care about you. Well Frank Organdonor won’t urinate on you or the homeless. Frank Organdonor cares.”

If Stinkmouth wasn’t running again after mistaking a homeless man for a Port-O-Pot, then it wouldn’t be necessary to use that ad. But in many cases he does run again, and if he runs in a red state, there’s a decent chance he wins.

It’s only a matter of time before candidates stop spending millions of dollars on political ads and instead try to win office the way high school kids win student-body elections: sleep with the voters.

(By the way, remember in high school there were always rumors about a student – usually a star on the football team – sleeping with a teacher, but you never really believed it? Back in the day, guys in high school struggled with long division and had senses of humor that hadn’t evolved past farting on their classmates. It was hard to imagine they had scored with a teacher. Now? You absolutely believe it happened, right? I mean look at what goes on today. The most socially awkward, unconfident students have lengthy affairs with female teachers who look like they could do a lot better. And not just the single ones. The difference today is that we have proof it's going on. I blame the Internet.)

Let’s face it, politicians sleeping with voters in order to get elected would not be a far cry from what they engage in already. Since our country’s inception, politicians have been mired in sex scandals. Here’s a small sample: Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, John Quincy Adams, John Hancock (no surprise there), Calvin Coolidge (you may be wondering, “What sex scandal was Calvin Coolidge involved in?” I don’t know either, but just because we haven’t heard about one doesn’t mean it didn’t happen), Franklin Roosevelt (ditto), JFK, Gary Hart, Gary Condit, Bill Clinton, Strom Thurmond, Newt Gingrich, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, former Kentucky Governor Paul Patton, the guy who used to tap dance in the bathroom stalls at the Minneapolis airport, the guy who hikes the Appalachian Trail, the former mayor of Detroit, and the guy who ran for judge in my county that was accused of unethical sexual behavior whose name I don’t remember because I really don’t care.

And the female politicians haven’t been angels either. It’s well known that in the absence of a bed post, Betsy Ross sewed the stars and stripes into the flag to represent her number of gentleman callers. The story about the stars and stripes representing our number of states and the original 13 colonies was one of the first U.S. government cover-ups. Ross had friends in high places who didn’t want to see her reputation sullied. And yes, I know Betsy Ross wasn’t a politician, but what does that have to do with anything? Then there was Joan Allen’s character in The Contender. Allen played a woman running for Vice President of the United States, who happened to have a very tawdry past and I think she had to defend herself in front of Congress or something. I didn’t actually see the movie because it also stars Christian Slater. I mean, come on. Christian Slater? At any rate, you get the idea. For centuries politicians have engaged in sexual improprieties, whether they be men or women, real or made up.

So here’s hoping that if we’re going to be unemployed, have investments that aren’t worth anything, kids who can’t add, cars that fall apart and homeless that smell more like urine than usual, that we at least get some quality entertainment out of our representatives.