Location: A dance studio
“Alright, now really put your heeps into eet! And one… and tu… and sree… Hold eet, hold eet. Meester Thomas, you look like a feesh.”
“I’m doing what you’re doing. With your hips and such.”
“No, no, no. My body is alive wiss passion! You move your legs like you have gaerle scouts tied to zem. Let me show you wiss Meeses Thomas.”
(Enrique takes Mrs. Thomas’ hand and pulls her into him. Heat instantly emanates from their bodies as they glide around the dance floor as one)
“You see? You must feel za rhythm pump sroo your bones!”
(Mrs. Thomas returns to her husband)
“Now one… and tu… and sree… Hold eet, hold eet. Zat’s a leetle baytter, but your face… eet’s so dull. Zere’s no expression, no feeling. You need to look as if you have never seen a woo-man before, but now you’re dancing wiss za most beautiful woo-man in za waerld! You cannot believe your goood for-choon. She excites you, and you must have her. Nah-sing will stop you from taking her right here on dis dance floor!”
(Pause)
“I’m a claims adjuster.
(Awkward silence)
“Can we take a nacho break?”
Location: Midtown Mall
“Ooh, hon, what do you think of this one?”
“Uh, it’s nice, I guess.”
“This one will match the colors in the kitchen, but I’m thinking of changing the colors altogether, so maybe I should pick one that’s a bit more vibrant.”
“It’s just a tablecloth. How many people are going to see it?”
“Your mother will see it. And it will be one more thing she’ll delight in criticizing me about.”
“Yeah, I’ll do it when we get home.”
“What? You’re not listening. Why are you staring at your BlackBerry? There are no scores to check and no fantasy trades you need to make.”
“Just a habit, I guess. Sorry I wasn’t listening. I was thinking I should probably mow the lawn this afternoon.”
“It’s November. You haven’t had to mow the lawn in two months. Now, let’s go look at place settings.”
“(mumbling) I bet Belichick isn’t looking at place settings.”
“Belichick? Is that another one of your obnoxious poker buddies?”
“Nevermind.”
Location: A cooking class on the Upper East Side
“Why did you bring me here? I hate cooking!!”
Location: Somewhere in Virginia
“Hey Mike, you got your money in yet?”
“Yeah, I’m all set.”
“That bitch of yours gonna win tonight?”
“You know it. Got her eyes on the prize!”
“Do you think Coach will be pissed if he finds out you went to another dogfight?”
“Nah, he’s cool.”
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Probably Wouldn't Make a Very Popular Comic Book
I don’t watch a lot of movies these days, but I still know that super heroes have been popular protagonists for years now. I can’t imagine there are any heroes or characters from popular teenage novels left that haven’t had their stories told on the big screen, but I have a hunch that the theaters will be awash with superhero movies again this summer.
(That’s only partly true. I have more than a hunch. I looked it up on the Internet. Here’s just a few that are coming out soon – Thor, X-Men: First Class, Green Lantern, Transformers: Dark of the Moon [not sure if Pink Floyd signed off on this], Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II, Captain America, and The Three Musketeers)
Today, in fact, there’s a movie coming out – Limitless – in which a guy develops the power of awesomeness simply by taking a pill. It doesn’t technically qualify as a superhero movie because the guy doesn’t have superpowers, he just shows the audience what life is actually like if you’re good looking and you land a role in a terrible movie.
Some of these movies do well, some tank. The similarities among those that do well seem to be a good story, good acting and special effects that are cool, but don’t overshadow the plot. And from what I can tell, there doesn’t seem to be a correlation between how much the audience identifies with the superhero and how well the movie does.
If I had to identify with the hero in order to see the movie, I’d never leave the couch. I’m not sure what this says about my level of ambition, but if I could choose to have a superpower, I wouldn’t pick something very impressive. Right now I’m thinking it’d just be nice to have the ability to pee in a urinal without having it splash back on me.
I do know this – if I could make things appear just by speaking their name, I wouldn’t sing the jingle of my insurance carrier, a la the latest State Farm commercials. Well, I take that back. If I were in an accident, then I might magically have an insurance rep appear on the scene (or I might say the words ‘new car’ and not fool with filing a bunch of accident reports, but whatever). Otherwise, if I had the ability to make things appear just by saying their name, I can’t help but think once again of how I could take advantage of that power in a public restroom.
For instance, say I’m using one, alone, when all of a sudden someone else walks in. If certain intestinal matters make it necessary, it’d be nice to say ‘built-in jukebox’ and have my own private music machine appear next to the toilet paper dispenser. Then I could reach over, punch up A-12, and ensure that the only noise ringing through the stalls would be AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck.” I avoid embarrassment and the guy who walks in only hears what he wants to (it’s a great song). We both win.
But my super-power wish list doesn’t end at the potty. I’d also like to make the digital channel system on my TV less complicated. My cable provider now only offers channels through the digital input option on users’ TVs, and instead of 11, 25 or 32, the channels are listed as 12-10, 12-11, 12-13, 62-11, 62-12 and so on. Well, I can’t bring up channel 62-12 on my remote. I can only hit 6 and 2 and then the channel jumps to 62-1. So then I have to hit the ‘channel up’ button 11 times to get to 62-12.
What the hell is that?!
My picture is more clear, but now it’s LESS convenient to flip through the stations. If I acquire the ability to fix it, though, does that mean I’m ripping off Larry the Cable Guy? I don’t think so. He’s not really a cable guy, he’s a comedian. Well, he’s not really that either, but that’s an argument for another day.
Anyway, that’s all I’d ask for right now. Would you watch me do any of that? Somebody out there willingly saw Wesley Snipes in a third Blade movie, so maybe my desired super powers aren’t as lame as I think.
(That’s only partly true. I have more than a hunch. I looked it up on the Internet. Here’s just a few that are coming out soon – Thor, X-Men: First Class, Green Lantern, Transformers: Dark of the Moon [not sure if Pink Floyd signed off on this], Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II, Captain America, and The Three Musketeers)
Today, in fact, there’s a movie coming out – Limitless – in which a guy develops the power of awesomeness simply by taking a pill. It doesn’t technically qualify as a superhero movie because the guy doesn’t have superpowers, he just shows the audience what life is actually like if you’re good looking and you land a role in a terrible movie.
Some of these movies do well, some tank. The similarities among those that do well seem to be a good story, good acting and special effects that are cool, but don’t overshadow the plot. And from what I can tell, there doesn’t seem to be a correlation between how much the audience identifies with the superhero and how well the movie does.
If I had to identify with the hero in order to see the movie, I’d never leave the couch. I’m not sure what this says about my level of ambition, but if I could choose to have a superpower, I wouldn’t pick something very impressive. Right now I’m thinking it’d just be nice to have the ability to pee in a urinal without having it splash back on me.
I do know this – if I could make things appear just by speaking their name, I wouldn’t sing the jingle of my insurance carrier, a la the latest State Farm commercials. Well, I take that back. If I were in an accident, then I might magically have an insurance rep appear on the scene (or I might say the words ‘new car’ and not fool with filing a bunch of accident reports, but whatever). Otherwise, if I had the ability to make things appear just by saying their name, I can’t help but think once again of how I could take advantage of that power in a public restroom.
For instance, say I’m using one, alone, when all of a sudden someone else walks in. If certain intestinal matters make it necessary, it’d be nice to say ‘built-in jukebox’ and have my own private music machine appear next to the toilet paper dispenser. Then I could reach over, punch up A-12, and ensure that the only noise ringing through the stalls would be AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck.” I avoid embarrassment and the guy who walks in only hears what he wants to (it’s a great song). We both win.
But my super-power wish list doesn’t end at the potty. I’d also like to make the digital channel system on my TV less complicated. My cable provider now only offers channels through the digital input option on users’ TVs, and instead of 11, 25 or 32, the channels are listed as 12-10, 12-11, 12-13, 62-11, 62-12 and so on. Well, I can’t bring up channel 62-12 on my remote. I can only hit 6 and 2 and then the channel jumps to 62-1. So then I have to hit the ‘channel up’ button 11 times to get to 62-12.
What the hell is that?!
My picture is more clear, but now it’s LESS convenient to flip through the stations. If I acquire the ability to fix it, though, does that mean I’m ripping off Larry the Cable Guy? I don’t think so. He’s not really a cable guy, he’s a comedian. Well, he’s not really that either, but that’s an argument for another day.
Anyway, that’s all I’d ask for right now. Would you watch me do any of that? Somebody out there willingly saw Wesley Snipes in a third Blade movie, so maybe my desired super powers aren’t as lame as I think.
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