Future Sundays Without the NFL

Location: A dance studio

“Alright, now really put your heeps into eet! And one… and tu… and sree… Hold eet, hold eet. Meester Thomas, you look like a feesh.”

“I’m doing what you’re doing. With your hips and such.”

“No, no, no. My body is alive wiss passion! You move your legs like you have gaerle scouts tied to zem. Let me show you wiss Meeses Thomas.”

(Enrique takes Mrs. Thomas’ hand and pulls her into him. Heat instantly emanates from their bodies as they glide around the dance floor as one)

“You see? You must feel za rhythm pump sroo your bones!”

(Mrs. Thomas returns to her husband)

“Now one… and tu… and sree… Hold eet, hold eet. Zat’s a leetle baytter, but your face… eet’s so dull. Zere’s no expression, no feeling. You need to look as if you have never seen a woo-man before, but now you’re dancing wiss za most beautiful woo-man in za waerld! You cannot believe your goood for-choon. She excites you, and you must have her. Nah-sing will stop you from taking her right here on dis dance floor!”

(Pause)

“I’m a claims adjuster.

(Awkward silence)

“Can we take a nacho break?”

Location: Midtown Mall

“Ooh, hon, what do you think of this one?”

“Uh, it’s nice, I guess.”

“This one will match the colors in the kitchen, but I’m thinking of changing the colors altogether, so maybe I should pick one that’s a bit more vibrant.”

“It’s just a tablecloth. How many people are going to see it?”

“Your mother will see it. And it will be one more thing she’ll delight in criticizing me about.”

“Yeah, I’ll do it when we get home.”

“What? You’re not listening. Why are you staring at your BlackBerry? There are no scores to check and no fantasy trades you need to make.”

“Just a habit, I guess. Sorry I wasn’t listening. I was thinking I should probably mow the lawn this afternoon.”

“It’s November. You haven’t had to mow the lawn in two months. Now, let’s go look at place settings.”

“(mumbling) I bet Belichick isn’t looking at place settings.”

“Belichick? Is that another one of your obnoxious poker buddies?”

“Nevermind.”

Location: A cooking class on the Upper East Side

“Why did you bring me here? I hate cooking!!”

Location: Somewhere in Virginia

“Hey Mike, you got your money in yet?”

“Yeah, I’m all set.”

“That bitch of yours gonna win tonight?”

“You know it. Got her eyes on the prize!”

“Do you think Coach will be pissed if he finds out you went to another dogfight?”

“Nah, he’s cool.”