*This post was crafted before the Midwest and Southeastern parts of the country were struck by devastating tornadoes, and is in no way intended to mock those events.
Reporter John Davies’ phone rings.
“Hello?”
“John, how’s the story coming?”
“Still waiting on the fire department to get here so I can try to get a statement on the cause of the fire. I can hear the sirens, so it shouldn’t be too much longer. Hang on, hang on… The television news crews that are down here are all packing up and hurrying into their vans. They’re shouting something… Oh crap, they’re yelling ‘tornado.’ I’m gonna have to call you back.”
A fire broke out at the Morning Songbird manufacturing plant on the corner of 5th and Wiltshire in downtown Ridgeville Tuesday at approximately 9 p.m. The fire quickly consumed the second and third floors of the factory, billowing thick, black smoke into the sky. Crew members working at the plant at the time the fire broke out confirmed that everyone made it out safely.
The fire raged on for nearly 30 minutes before the fire department arrived, as a tornado that moved through neighboring Harbor Township kept the trucks from getting near the area for roughly 10 – 15 minutes. In addition to the fire spreading to the Our Dough For Yours bakery next door, a number of homes in the three to four blocks surrounding the plant were damaged due to the storm.
Davies’ phone rings again.
“Hello?”
“John, how’s everything going out there? Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I hid out in the bathroom of a Wendy’s until the tornado passed. But now I have to alter the story a little and I still need to talk to the fire department. I’d also like to get some quotes from some of the folks living in the area. Pretty wild night. Oh, hold on. One of the news vans is pulling up to my car…
“Uh, ok, well now it seems the tornado hit the Ridgeville dam and they’re saying parts of the dam have burst open. I need to head up there to see what’s going on.”
“John, you’re on deadline here. I need to get that story ASAP!”
“I know, I know. Let me call you back.”
A tornado ripped through the northern part of Ridgeville last night, destroying multiple homes in and around Harbor Township, delaying the fire department from reaching a fire at the Morning Songbird manufacturing plant and shredding the city’s dam, which sent the Abandoned Tire River pouring into downtown Ridgeville.
In addition to the number of homes and businesses that were blasted by the water, many of the animals in outdoor habitats at the city zoo were lifted up and pushed out of their enclosures by the raging rapids. The lone bright side to the unfortunate series of events is that the flood put out the fires at the plant and the Our Dough For Yours bakery next door.
Davies answers his phone again.
“John, listen, I need that story. Is it ready to go?”
“Tom, it is mass chaos out here. You’ve never seen anything like this. The tornado did in fact hit the dam, water poured into the city, and now there are jungle cats and wild birds all over the streets. I’ve had to completely re-write the lead, I’m waiting for the zoo director to get off the phone with the mayor so I can get a comment on the situation, and I still haven’t talked to any of the residents who were hit by the storm or the flood. Uh oh. Oh God. Oh God! I gotta go. AAAAHHHHHHH!”
Ten minutes later Davies calls his boss at the copydesk.
“John, the only thing I want to hear from you is that you sent your story in five minutes ago.”
“A bear shit on me, Tom.”
“What?!”
“You heard me. I was sitting on the hood of my car, talking to you and going over my notes, when tigers, giraffes and some kind of platypus-looking things started running past. Then I saw a bear heading straight for me. He jumped on the roof of my car and then he jumped over me and let out some kind of horrible… I don’t know, bear scream… as shit rained down on me before he hit the ground again. Have you ever had a bear shit on you, Tom?”
“No.”
“I have four kids and none of them have ever shit on me before, Tom.”
“Ok, ok. Look, I know you’ve had a crazy night. Why don’t you take a few minutes to clean yourself up and just get the story in when you can. We can push it back a little given everything that’s happened tonight.”
“Thank you.”
Thirty minutes later Davies answers his phone one last time.
“Tom, good news – I just finished it. I’d like to have a few more quotes, and I’m not sure I captured the true feel of what it’s like out here, but I think it’ll work.”
“Forget it. It’s over. I just got the call from corporate. They’re shutting us down, effective immediately. There will be no more editions of the paper.”
“What?! That’s it?! Does that mean I’m out of a job?”
“Sorry man. I’m sure there’s something on the Internet you can contribute to. It’s been real.”
Click.
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