Rapture, Take Me Away

Since I will undoubtedly be one of those chosen to go up when the Rapture strikes tomorrow, I just want to wish you all good luck and let you know what kind of torment you can expect during your remaining time on Earth:

The only e-mails you’ll receive will be marked ‘urgent’ even though they couldn’t be less so.

Toddlers will sleep for no more than 45 minutes during any given 24 hour period.

The next long-running political saga that refuses to die will be Donald Trump trying to prove that his hair was born in the United States.

It’s learned that Oprah quit doing her show because she received advance notice that she would be one of the chosen ones. Those left behind, however, continue to get their fill as re-runs of her show air on every channel 24/7.

The only options that remain for pets are cats and skunks.

Airplanes will no longer have window or aisle seats. Middle seats for everyone!

Everyone also gets the same two next-door neighbors: Glenn Beck to the right, Keith Olbermann to the left. Moving doesn’t change this.

Baseball is the only sport still played and the Chicago Cubs win the World Series every year for the rest of eternity. Not a single Cubs fan gets to see them win, however, as none of them will be left behind.

The rest of the world’s view of the United States fails to improve as we elect Kid Rock as our President-for-Life.

Skunks soon top the charts as the world’s most popular pet.

Those choosing to text are forced to do so using phones that have 3-4 letters of the alphabet on each button. Then you can see what I have to deal with every time one of you f*!#ers sends me a text message.

Nearly all of the Facebook posts made by your friends who were among the chosen ones will say, “This is great, sorry you can’t be here!” The only time they take a break from this is when they post pictures of their kids.

Hard liquor will cease to exist. Anyone who orders beer will be served wine. Anyone who orders wine will be served sweat from a cow, though this is not likely to bother many of these people as few will be able to tell the difference. Soda will still exist, but no matter which brand you choose, they will all taste like Diet Sprite. And coffee will cost $150 a cup.