I Now Pronounce You...

For those of you who have had a wedding I recently attended or have a wedding coming up, the following is in no way a comment on your specific event. Yours was (or will be) beautiful. This is just a comment on weddings in general and was inspired by current affairs, so please don't be offended. If you are offended, then your cake was bland.

Weddings are fascinating. Not so much to watch, but the fact that they’re so popular. They’ve existed forever, but people still celebrate them as if the idea is brand new. And celebrate them we do. In this country alone they're a $5 trillion a month industry. Over the course of human history, weddings fall only slightly behind the wheel in terms of overall approval rating.

You’d think by now weddings would be more like getting an HD TV. If you don’t have an HD TV at this point, you probably get a lot of confused looks and demeaning comments from those around you (I’m not the only one who suffers through these, right?). Sadly, that part is similar to getting married. If you reach a certain age without marrying, then people start to think something’s wrong. However, no matter how long people think you need to “hurry up and get married,” they will treat you like royalty when the big day finally comes.

Once you get an HD TV, though, could you envision inviting 200 of your closest friends and family members to your house to see it, and expect them to bring gifts? Would you rent or buy clothes for the occasion? Even if you offered them free food and booze, would they attend your HD TV party? Only if you invited people to watch the Super Bowl on your HD TV could you get, maybe, 30 people to come over, but they would still somehow watch the Super Bowl if your HD TV didn’t exist. Probably on their own HD TV.

And yet weddings have this weird hold over us. Look at the Royal Wedding earlier this year. All of England stopped what it was doing to watch it, not to mention way more Americans than what should have. If that many people are going to watch a wedding, shouldn't they do so because they expect to see something different? Like a monkey performing the ceremony, the bridesmaids and groomsmen being replaced by convicts who were brought up on charges of arson and public indecency, or the attendees being divided up not according to whether they know the bride or groom, but by playground basketball rules – shirts and skins.

Granted, weddings haven’t looked exactly the same over the decades. Destination weddings became really popular for a while and are still the preference for a significant number of people. More recently, wedding parties have been taping themselves doing choreographed dances and uploading the videos to the Internet, though this is done so much now that it feels like it’s been going on since the mid-80s. Despite these changes to the procedure, the end result is still the same. Which is why I think more and more states, like New York, are legalizing gay marriage.

You probably think it has something to do with our evolution as a society, and the desire to grant people equal rights no matter their sexual preference. Well, that might have a little something to do with it. But I think it has more to do with all of us just wanting to see some variety. Especially now during the height of wedding season.

I guarantee at least one member of the New York Senate looked at his or her colleagues during the voting process a couple of weeks ago and said, “If I have to attend one more straight wedding this summer, I’m going to shoot myself.” (It was either that or they finally buckled from the threat of celebrities who have sworn they wouldn’t marry until everyone has the right to. Granting equal rights to all mankind is a nice little motivator, but it’s no match for seeing Brad and Angelina finally tie the knot!)

Besides just the variety, think how much easier it would be to attend a gay wedding. If my wife ever says to me, “We have six weddings to attend this year, but the fourth one is a ceremony for two dudes,” my response would be, "Sweet! Our gift can be beer."

Many critics of same sex marriage fear the next form of unions that states will recognize will be between people and animals. First of all, I can't begin to imagine how insulting that is to gay people. Two consenting adults marrying each other is just one step away from an adult marrying the thing that chews on my socks and pees in the yard? And keep in mind, if that thing – my dog – pees in the yard, he’s behaving himself.

But secondly, if people do start marrying animals, I'm fully on board with it. If we get a stack of invitations that include three gay weddings, four celebrity weddings, and one wedding in which Led Zepplin will reunite to play at the reception, I’m still looking most forward to a human/animal ceremony. The only thing I can think of that might create a better story to tell afterwards would be a human/food wedding (see the post immediately below this one).

You’re probably thinking to yourself, "But if you got an invitation from someone who was marrying an animal, wouldn't you be concerned for that person's mental health?" Of course I would, which is why I hope that invitation would come from one of my wife's friends.

Let’s face facts – we all love weddings and we’ll always go to weddings. We’ll tell the bride how beautiful she looks and how happy we are for her (or him) and the groom. We’ll smile and take pictures and wish them a lifetime of joy and togetherness. But the only thing that people are thinking while they’re watching the ceremony is, “There better be an open bar or I’m gonna cut somebody.”

So if weddings suddenly become a bit more captivating by featuring a man marrying an orangutan or a ham sandwich, what’s the harm in that? It’s all about that person’s happiness.

And my entertainment.

The Next Logical Marriage Step

"Welcome, welcome. We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining together of Lyle and Bella in matrimony. We are privileged to bear witness to this grand occasion; this formal expression of true love. And we are privileged that so many have come before them to help pave the way for a union such as theirs to exist. When the nuptials between a man and a block of cheese can be officially recognized by the state of Delaware, it truly is a blessing. Many critics of same sex marriage have long feared that once gay and lesbian partnerships were afforded the same rights as a man and a woman's, then the next logical progression would be the uniting of man and beast. But nope. Turns out it's food.

"And how truly wonderful that is, especially for Lyle and Bella. For these two lovebirds, today is a very, very Gouda day. Ha! Forgive me. That's just a little cheese wedding humor. So let us begin. Lyle, please take Bella's hand."

Lyle picks up the block of cheese from a deli tray held by the Maid of Honor, his disappointed sister.

"Lyle and Bella have chosen to write their own vows. Lyle, when you're ready, we'll let you begin."

Lyle looks intently at the cheese.

"From the moment I first saw you in the display at Trader Joe's, I knew you were the one over all others. The way your cheddary sheen glistened next to the sausages and assorted chips and pretzels. Asiago, Feta, Colby, Gorgonzola - they all paled in comparison. As well as White Cheddar, for obvious reasons. More heralded cheeses didn't capture my heart either, like the snooty Swiss or the belligerent American. Sure, it was hard not to be tempted by the Mozzarella, but she's not really the type you settle down with.

"So I whisked you away, and we spent three glorious days watching the Food Network together. You even forgave me for the night I spent with those slices of Pepper Jack. For that and so many other reasons, I promise to never let you mold or pair you with inferior snack food. I will never turn you into whiz," Lyle pauses to collect himself as he begins to choke up, "and stuff you in a CAN!"

Many of those gathered at the ceremony awkwardly stare at the ground and scratch the back of their heads.

"And I will never insult you by baking a certain cake with your namesake and serving it to dinner guests. I will, however, tout your semi-hard texture, your non-offensive aroma, and your ability to enhance any situation involving beer or bread or bacon. I will keep you by my side during every meal, whether it be the finest occasion or simply eating breakfast in the car on my way to work. In short, I will cherish you for all the rest of my days."

"How lovely," the notary says. “Now for Bella's vows."

The cheese says nothing. A faint cough can be heard from the back.

"Excellent. Now for the rings. Lyle, please place Bella's ring on her... well, on her."

Lyle places an oversized onion ring around the cheese.

“Now repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed,” the notary says.

“With this ring, I thee wed.”

"Now Bella, please place Lyle's ring on his finger."

Lyle's sister rolls her eyes and reaches in to place the ring on his finger.

“Repeat after me. With this ring, I thee…”

“You know what, I think we’re good,” Lyle interrupts.

"Very well. The rings symbolize Lyle and Bella's commitment to one another; their pledge to live as one. And with that, you are officially wed. So by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!"

Amidst applause, Lyle kisses the cheese. Gasps replace the clapping as he then takes a bite.

"Well, looks like the groom is a little overcome by the proceedings," the notary nervously laughs.

Lyle takes a larger bite out of his new bride, this time while growling like a large jungle cat.

"Uh... ok. Let's see, the couple asked me to let everyone know there will be a reception with lots of wine and crackers at the West Valley Bingo Hall on the corner of 9th and Mellwood in roughly 30 min..."

Lyle shoves the remaining hunk of cheese into his mouth while emitting a loud, guttural moan.

"Sir, please. There are children present."

The crowd looks on in horror as Lyle brushes his hands on his jacket and wipes his mouth with his tie.

"Well, then," the notary says. "Thank you all for joining us."