The Next Logical Marriage Step

"Welcome, welcome. We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining together of Lyle and Bella in matrimony. We are privileged to bear witness to this grand occasion; this formal expression of true love. And we are privileged that so many have come before them to help pave the way for a union such as theirs to exist. When the nuptials between a man and a block of cheese can be officially recognized by the state of Delaware, it truly is a blessing. Many critics of same sex marriage have long feared that once gay and lesbian partnerships were afforded the same rights as a man and a woman's, then the next logical progression would be the uniting of man and beast. But nope. Turns out it's food.

"And how truly wonderful that is, especially for Lyle and Bella. For these two lovebirds, today is a very, very Gouda day. Ha! Forgive me. That's just a little cheese wedding humor. So let us begin. Lyle, please take Bella's hand."

Lyle picks up the block of cheese from a deli tray held by the Maid of Honor, his disappointed sister.

"Lyle and Bella have chosen to write their own vows. Lyle, when you're ready, we'll let you begin."

Lyle looks intently at the cheese.

"From the moment I first saw you in the display at Trader Joe's, I knew you were the one over all others. The way your cheddary sheen glistened next to the sausages and assorted chips and pretzels. Asiago, Feta, Colby, Gorgonzola - they all paled in comparison. As well as White Cheddar, for obvious reasons. More heralded cheeses didn't capture my heart either, like the snooty Swiss or the belligerent American. Sure, it was hard not to be tempted by the Mozzarella, but she's not really the type you settle down with.

"So I whisked you away, and we spent three glorious days watching the Food Network together. You even forgave me for the night I spent with those slices of Pepper Jack. For that and so many other reasons, I promise to never let you mold or pair you with inferior snack food. I will never turn you into whiz," Lyle pauses to collect himself as he begins to choke up, "and stuff you in a CAN!"

Many of those gathered at the ceremony awkwardly stare at the ground and scratch the back of their heads.

"And I will never insult you by baking a certain cake with your namesake and serving it to dinner guests. I will, however, tout your semi-hard texture, your non-offensive aroma, and your ability to enhance any situation involving beer or bread or bacon. I will keep you by my side during every meal, whether it be the finest occasion or simply eating breakfast in the car on my way to work. In short, I will cherish you for all the rest of my days."

"How lovely," the notary says. “Now for Bella's vows."

The cheese says nothing. A faint cough can be heard from the back.

"Excellent. Now for the rings. Lyle, please place Bella's ring on her... well, on her."

Lyle places an oversized onion ring around the cheese.

“Now repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed,” the notary says.

“With this ring, I thee wed.”

"Now Bella, please place Lyle's ring on his finger."

Lyle's sister rolls her eyes and reaches in to place the ring on his finger.

“Repeat after me. With this ring, I thee…”

“You know what, I think we’re good,” Lyle interrupts.

"Very well. The rings symbolize Lyle and Bella's commitment to one another; their pledge to live as one. And with that, you are officially wed. So by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!"

Amidst applause, Lyle kisses the cheese. Gasps replace the clapping as he then takes a bite.

"Well, looks like the groom is a little overcome by the proceedings," the notary nervously laughs.

Lyle takes a larger bite out of his new bride, this time while growling like a large jungle cat.

"Uh... ok. Let's see, the couple asked me to let everyone know there will be a reception with lots of wine and crackers at the West Valley Bingo Hall on the corner of 9th and Mellwood in roughly 30 min..."

Lyle shoves the remaining hunk of cheese into his mouth while emitting a loud, guttural moan.

"Sir, please. There are children present."

The crowd looks on in horror as Lyle brushes his hands on his jacket and wipes his mouth with his tie.

"Well, then," the notary says. "Thank you all for joining us."