The (Weiner) Gate Bursts Open

I know, I know, he’s doing it again. You don’t have to tell me, I’m the one in all the pictures.

Let me just start by apologizing on his behalf. I know he’s already done that, but I feel like I need to say it too. Make no mistake, though, I’m not apologizing for me. It’s not like I had a choice in the matter. You think he looked down and asked, “Hey Oscar, you alright with this?” before he thrust me into the spotlight? For that matter, do you think he’s ever asked me that before the camera bulbs start flashing?

Of course this isn’t the first time he’s passed around pictures of me, don’t be naïve. Ask his mom how many times she got a call from the principal. Polaroids weren’t even his preferred method back in the day. His true joy was having me make a live appearance. Frog dissection day in Biology class, Wiffle Ball day in gym class, and don’t forget the day his English class finally got to the “Et tu, Brute?” line in Julius Caesar. Believe me, you people aren’t seeing anything that hasn’t long ago passed through the halls of James Madison High.

And take it easy with all the jokes, will you? If you want to poke fun at him for all his preening or terrible decision making, go right ahead. But wherever you come down on the argument concerning my stature, please keep it to yourself. All I can say is, “It is what it is.” (By the way, I coined that phrase. I was left with little choice given all the times he answered the door, unencumbered by clinging cotton briefs, to a pack of giggling co-eds.) I admit I’m no Greg Oden, but then I’m no Brett Favre either.

And speaking of celebrities who conveniently are no longer in the news – Arnold Schwarzenegger, have I got a bone to pick with you. I can’t believe a couple of photos of me have knocked you completely out of the news. You impregnated your maid! You have a son that’s been running around for 14 years that nobody knew was yours!! If you were still in office, I wouldn’t have even made page 12 of The New York Post. You probably won’t agree with this at the moment, but you are one lucky s.o.b.

(Sigh). I apologize for being a little testy.

As for the media, let me offer you a tip: enough with using “gate.” Every scandal is a gate. Try some creativity! You could have a field day with this story. He Tweeted the pictures of me, right? So if you must use gate, why not TWeinergate? And weren’t a couple of the pictures taken with a mobile phone camera? So how about you introduce every new segment with, “And now for more sordid details on the Weinermobile story.” Coming up with something more clever than Weinergate shouldn’t be that… what’s the word I’m looking for? Difficult? That doesn’t sound right. At any rate, you get my point.

One last thing: he wasn’t yanking your chain when he said he’d never met any of the women that he talked to online. That’s the truth. He doesn’t even like women. Whoops! I think I’ve said too much.