Diary Entry From the Spider on My Porch

Dear Diary,

Today was a long day, but the guest web is nearly complete. At this point I'll just be relieved to have it finished. Spinning the guest web has proven a much bigger undertaking than the renovations I made to the main web last year. The addition of the breakfast nook and the downstairs bedroom were tedious, but they don't compare to the work that has gone into spinning a whole new web from the ground up. The plumbing was the real bitch. I really should have hired out for that, but hindsight is 160/160.

The in-laws better appreciate this thing when they're here for the holidays. Actually, I'm already looking past the holidays and into next year when we can spend five months at the summer web. That is my true masterpiece. The design is a classic Victorian with beautifully-crafted dormers and spacious vaulted ceilings. The hundred-year-old model needed a lot of refurbishing, so we got a great deal on it, which allowed me to splurge on some crown molding and light fixtures from the same era.

I wouldn't mind living there year round, especially given the things that have gone on around here lately. The dwelling that we're currently attached to has become increasingly volatile. I feel bad about biting the young human that mistook me for one of those giant, paper Halloween spiders that look like pinatas. He tried to take me inside and tape me to the wall with all his other decorations. I had to defend myself.

And I'm afraid the whole family is beginning to suspect that I'm the reason the cat disappeared. I don't feel bad about that one. The feline's violent reaction when I tried to mate with her was completely uncalled for. All that scratching and hissing was really off-putting. I had no choice but to disembowel it and bury it's carcass in the yard under the cover of night. Damn shame, too. The poor thing will never know what it could have had.

And most recently was the repeated stomping I endured from the largest human in the household. I didn't even get a look at the specimen until it took a few steps back, picked up a brick, covered its eyes and flung the brick in my direction. It looked like a male, but when it ran back inside yelling, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," it sounded decidedly feminine.

I'm not gonna lie - the brick hurt like hell. I had to take some time off afterwards, but the bruises healed rather quickly. All of this was enough to make me seriously consider turning the summer web into our permanent home, but the schools over there leave a lot to be desired.

The Misses and I have to consider things like that now. The doctor says in a little over a week we'll have hundreds of new mouths to feed. So excited!