Premature Pomp

So my son is a graduate. He didn’t exactly finish at the top of his class, but he graduated. Actually, maybe he did finish near the top. Maybe he graduated magna cum laude. Hell, maybe he was even valedictorian. His school kept pretty crappy records, so it’s hard to know for sure. Honestly, I don’t think they kept records at all. We never saw a report card or a transcript or class syllabi’s. I’m pretty sure his only requirements for graduating were the fact that he’s five and will no longer be a paying customer this fall. You know, cause it was preschool.

The concept of graduating from preschool is… quaint. Cute, even. You probably thought the word I was going to use was ‘stupid.’ Some people might use that word, but not me. The concept is cute and the actual “ceremony” was cute. Assuming it’s ok for a man to refer to his son’s preschool graduation as cute.

But here’s the problem… it’s also kind of stupid. I can’t help it. He looked cute (there’s that word again) in his $25 cap and gown, but he didn’t really achieve anything. Nice weather days consisted of round-the-clock recess, broken up only by lunch and nap time. And he failed miserably at nap time (Aced lunch, though). If I may take just a moment to brag - the director of the preschool did say quite regularly, “Your child is so smart,” which felt great, even on those occasions when she was looking at other parents while saying it (I felt bad that she rubbed it in their faces like that, though). But my son was never required to prove it through quizzes or tests or book reports or anything. Sure, he excelled at identifying colors, writing numbers and letters, and performing basic math, but even if he did those things poorly, they still would have given him a diploma.

As proof: at the ceremony the kids all sang a song in unison. Unfortunately it wasn’t decipherable until the second verse because the singers were the exact opposite of ‘in unison.’ That hardly seems diploma worthy.

I promise, though, I’m not a jerk. It was very thoughtful of the school to take the time and effort to make them feel special. And, as I said, the ceremony was cute, the caps and gowns were cute, and the free food was cute. I laughed when I was supposed to laugh, and I said my allergies were bothering me when… you know… I was supposed to say my allergies were bothering me (see, I have a heart).

But have we gone a little off the ranch with things like preschool graduations? For one thing, none of the kids have to earn passing grades in order to graduate. You don’t have to “pass” the first 4-6 years of your life in order to get into kindergarten. You have to go (yes, even in Kentucky). Which brings me to my second point: the kids aren’t allowed to stay at the preschool. We’re legally obligated to enroll my son in an actual school, or at least purchase home-school curriculum, in a few months. It’s like throwing a retirement party for someone who’s being forced to take early retirement.

So what are we celebrating and/or congratulating, exactly? Was the ceremony a way for the teachers to thank the parents for our money over the last five years by asking us to pay another $25 and take time off work?

Ok, that sounds angry. I’m certainly not angry; amused more than anything. And even a little proud. So I’ll just say what you’re supposed to say after graduations. Congratulations Son! You earned it, I guess.