Well, this is it. Today is the day. After a year of campaigning, constantly traveling, endless debating on one side of the aisle to ultimately pare down the nominee, both parties spending millions of dollars, answering millions of interviewers’ questions, shaking millions of hands, hosting conventions, more debating, and finding new ways to look foolish on the internet (which isn’t easy to do at this point), by the end of today one man will earn what has got to be the absolute worst job on the planet – President of the United States.
I really can’t fathom why anyone would want the job at this point, and it’s obvious by looking at those who do campaign for it that most normal people don’t want it. In the last few years, we’ve been treated to presidential hopefuls who father children with a mistress while their wife is dying from cancer, address campaign supporters by opening a speech with “Awww, shuckey duckey!” and express their desire to colonize the moon. These people genuinely believe that we want them to represent us. At least until they have no choice but to accept that we don’t.
And no wonder the average citizen isn’t interested in the job. What’s the upside? The constant criticism? The twisting of your words on every media station that has ever devoted two minutes to talking about politics? The threats? Good Lord, how many jobs do you know that involve the holder of that job having to accept the fact that he or she will receive regular death threats? So far it has nearly a 10% assassination rate. Ten percent! ‘Death row inmate’ doesn’t have a 10% kill rate.
And have you ever noticed the horrible aging? If you are president, you can count on aging faster than the guy who picked the wrong cup at the end of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. It’s probably because they know their job comes with a 10% assassination rate.
Not to mention the number of things you’re considered responsible for is fairly overwhelming: jobs, the economy, taxes, the price of gas, the price of homes, the price of milk, the price of Yankees tickets, the nation’s security, immigration, the war on drugs, the war on women, the war on Christmas, actual war, health care, birth control, gun control, no gun control, the deficit, the debt, imports, exports, the Cubs sucking every year, the quality of our education, China owning us in six months, other countries getting nuclear weapons, the fact that parts of Canada still speak French, the environment, federal disaster relief, children getting fat, gays getting married, cows getting mad, birds and pigs getting the flu, your vice president going on TV, affirmative action, equal pay for men and women, what you have stuck in your teeth, what you might have said near a live microphone, how many times your administration says “God,” and if your flag pin is big enough.
If I took every job I ever had going back to high school, including internships (which totals 13 places where I’ve reported for work), and added together all the things I was responsible for, I could list three things I was responsible for. The point is the president oversees a lot. That person gets a lot of credit, but also catches a lot of grief.
I guess the accommodations aren’t bad and the parties are probably pretty nice. Still. If the guy I voted for wins, I don’t know if I should feel happy for him or send my condolences.
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