Making a New Year’s Resolution Three Months In

As is customary around the first of January, many people make resolutions to achieve a goal or change their behavior in some manner that will improve their lives or the lives of others. The resolutions that involve behavioral changes are typically intended to last the duration of the year.

As is customary around the first of April, my friend Bob likes to make a resolution based on how the first quarter of his year has played out. Below are the ones he’s considering for the rest of 2013:

I thought I would have lost 10 pounds by now, but I’ve gained eight, so I’m not making that my resolution until I lose at least the first eight and another four.

           

I’m still smoking; half a pack more than I was at the first of the year, so that won’t be the one either.

           

I’ve always wanted to take piano lessons, but now the weather is getting so nice.

I could try to finish my novel, but I haven’t started it because of the album I thought I was going to record.

I was going to adopt a puppy from one of those no-kill shelters, but after running over that cat, I felt like I had to get two puppies to make up for it and my apartment has a one pet limit.

I could take that cardio class at the gym four days a week, but that’s really more of a half-year resolution than a three-quarters-of-the-year resolution.

I have a lot of stuff in storage that I need to go through, but it gets so hot in the unit this time of the year. It will cool off again in the fall, but I can’t start a resolution with only three months left in the year. That would just be sad.

I had hoped to apply for a new job every week, but since January 1st, I’ve only sent out one resume. To get on pace with my goal, I’d have to send out 12 before Friday and… I mean, come on. That’s a lot of cover letters.

At Christmas, my girlfriend gave me a cookbook because I’ve been wanting to get into cooking for the longest time. Then she dumped me on Valentine’s Day, so I threw it out. The recipes were probably controlling and judgmental anyway.

I totally planned to give more to charity this year, but I’m a little short on funds since the trashcan fire I set in order to get rid of all my ex-girlfriend’s stuff got out of hand and damaged most of the living room wall of my apartment. I swear, I don’t even know why I have insurance.

Since I’m not getting a puppy, I thought about doing some volunteer work, but I really don’t have time if I want to finish my novel, which I’ll never get to if I don’t start recording that album.

At the end of last year, I thought about making amends with my estranged uncle, but he died during halftime of the Super Bowl. Apparently he tried to get in touch with me about six months before he died, but he didn’t have my latest phone number or address.

Guess I could be better about letting people know when I change my phone number and address. Everyone except for my stupid ex-girlfriend, of course. Think she’ll take me back?