Operate Somewhere Else, Mr. Smooth

Many wonderful business entities exist that care for children. These places are wonderful for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which being that they care for your child while you perform your job duties Monday – Friday. But daycares don't just serve the need of having someone watch your child so that you can go to work, they also give you the chance to take a breath and clear your head so you can be at your best when picking up your son or daughter. The only problem is, you never know what the teacher is going to say your child did while you were gone. Your once clear head may quickly fill with hellscape-like visions, especially if you’re a dad and you hear every father’s worst nightmare.

“I just wanted to let you know that your daughter was pulling her pants down in front of Beelzebub. Not a big deal, they do that at this age, but just thought you should know in case you want to talk to her about it.”

Oh yes. I do indeed want to talk to her about it. Now, first things first, the kid’s name isn’t actually Beelzebub, but let’s face it – it might as well be. I want to protect his privacy while also providing you a glimpse into the nature of this boy and everything he stands for, so calling him Beelzebub is the best way to do that.

After getting my daughter home, I sat her down to talk about exactly what happened. Only, I had no idea how deep the devastation stretched.

“Why did you pull your pants down at school today?”

“Because Beelzebub told me to do it again.”

“I’m sorry, again? Beelzebub told you to do it AGAIN?”

Pause.

“Yeah.”

Awesome. My daughter’s antics were not discovered until the SECOND time she performed them. And you thought I went too far by referring to the boy as the devil.

I’m not going to lose all perspective. I know kids do this. “Show you mine if you show me yours.” I get it.

But girls have always been and forever will be the losers in this trade off. Boys want to show theirs off. They want to show it off, and they want all who see it to turn away in horror. They want to spring it on you at the most inappropriate times and laugh hysterically as you apologize to the crossing guard.

And it’s not a phase they go through. You might be surprised to hear this, but grown men occasionally get caught taking pictures of their genitals. To be fair, they don’t so much “get caught” as they do “gladly show the pictures to people.” And instead of “occasionally,” it’s really more like “every few hours.” That’s why equipping cell phones with cameras has proved to be the worst idea in the history of technology.

Girls are usually the ones who have to be talked into it. They spend their time searching for appropriate evening wear for their dolls, not searching for excuses to flash innocent bystanders. Sure, they have a good laugh running naked through the house before and after bath time, but girls don’t hope to burn an imprint on your brain of their… well… you know.

It’s a double standard, but I’d prefer my child to be the boy in this situation. Even the girls would prefer to be the boys in this situation. That way they wouldn’t be the ones forced to look at it.

It’s only natural that boys are more curious too because they can’t help but wonder if what girls have looks even half as bizarre as what they have. Could it look even more bizarre? Of course we know the answer is “no.” Nothing girls have could ever look more bizarre than what boys have.

What troubles me most is I didn’t see this coming. This is a perfect example of something you don’t want to wait too long to tell your kids, especially your daughter. “There are underhanded, conniving little boys out there who will try to trick you. Don’t talk to them. Ever. No matter how old you are, don’t ever talk to boys. Unless it’s to threaten them with a visit from your dad.” Now it’s too late.

But my message to all little boys who may make my daughter’s acquaintance in the future is this: Curiosity is a dangerous thing. Just look what it did to the cat.