Advantage: Halloween

So Halloween is upon us, which means millions of kids will spend roughly a week and a half consuming a year’s worth of candy. Of course first they’ll have to earn it. Sort of.

In comparison to that other holiday on the horizon in which children receive armfuls of delights in the span of a night, Halloween is more of a “you get out of it what you put into it” kind of celebration. On Halloween they have to work for it.

I like what the system we’ve devised says to young people: If you want candy, you can have candy. But no one’s going to climb down the chimney or hop through a rabbit hole or fly in your window and just leave it for you while you sleep. You don’t get it just because bicuspids fall out of your mouth or for “being good,” which never matters anyway since Santa is too chicken shit to actually leave nothing but coal in your stocking. For this, you have to strap on your shoes and walk from house to house. And the only way to get more candy is to walk to more houses. Put in the time if you want the dime. Some years, that time is spent in fairly cold temperatures, making it all the better. Let’s see how bad you want it.

To top it off, Halloween even forces kids to give up a little of their dignity by making them don ridiculous costumes. Oh sure, they love dressing up as their favorite monster or superhero, but they’d abandon those outfits in a second if they knew anything about leverage. A lot of kids think they can hold your feet to the fire with that “Trick or Treat” threat, but a simple retort of “Do anything to the property and your parents will hear from my attorney,” usually squelches their sly smiles.

It’s the kind of holiday a parent can really get behind. Except of course for the taking-candy-from-strangers part. But hey, every day is a roll of the dice, right?

With all that said, to complete the equation, adults have to give out free candy to the halflings who do nothing more than ring the doorbell. It might look like work from the kids’ perspective, but you certainly don’t get anything out of it. On the contrary, you’re out the cost of however many treats it takes to satisfy all the sugar-addled beggars in your neighborhood.

So how good of a holiday is this exactly?

Well, as I don’t have to remind you – after the kids are in bed, you can satisfy your own corn syrupy desires by plunging headfirst into their candy bags. Halloween is the one time a year in which you finally get to enjoy the fruits of your children’s labor instead of the other way around. Although, if any of it does turn out to be fruit, demand that your homeowner’s association increase the fees of the offending neighbor.

Less than two months later, Santa will do all the work as kids have presents laid at their feet while they sleep. Or at the foot of a tree, if we’re being literal about it. And sure, you can play with your daughter’s new Barbie Dream Yacht once she’s asleep, but it doesn’t fill your heart with the songs of angels the same way shoving three fun-size Snickers into your mouth at the same time does. Point is, little people reap all the rewards of Christmas with none of the hardship of Black Fridays and curdled eggnog.

So put masks on their faces, sacks in their hands, and push your kids out the door. Halloween is your time. Live it up.