Life is full of moments that alter how we forever view the
world, thanks to reality-shattering truths. Those harsh realities that don’t
jive with what we’ve been telling ourselves or with what other people have been
telling us. Finding out what we’ve been told
is untrue is far worse than the lies we tell ourselves because with it brings
the recognition of betrayal.
Long-paragraph-short: realizing you’ve been duped your whole
life is a tough pill to swallow. Especially when the dupe involves Santa Claus.
Learning that a fat man in a red jump suit who has
inexplicably escaped death for hundreds of years does NOT sneak into
your house while you sleep is one thing (Sorry! SPOILER ALERT. I’m so bad with
those), but after the dust settles, what stings the most is realizing your
parents were the ones perpetuating the myth. A lot of kids usually find out
from their friends, which means parents dig ourselves a hole right from the
start. We want our kids to trust us and turn to us in times of trouble, yet their
friends usually open their eyes to a massive lie that we started. Who would you turn to after that?
But parents aren’t the only ones to blame. Pretty much every
part of society available for consumption to a non-Jewish kid is in on the lie.
If we tried telling our offspring at a certain age that Santa isn’t real, that
everyone they talk to and see on TV is full of bunk, that the guy
at the mall is only there so he can pay his child support, it would be like telling
them Kanye doesn’t exist.
“I don’t know, mom and dad. I see Mr. Kardashian’s face on
all the supermarket tabloids, I hear his songs on the radio, and I’ve seen him
give, like, eight speeches during something called the ‘VMAs,’ soooo… the only
people who might agree with you are Taylor Swift and George W. Bush. Not
exactly good company you’re keeping.”
It’s pretty illogical and totally counterproductive to have
our kids believe in Santa Claus, but it’s out of our hands! It sure feels that
way, at least. I’m sure the tide will turn eventually, as it always does. I’m
sure there will one day be a collective understanding among parents not to tell
their kids about him. It will probably start with the Millennials.
“Oh, we’re with our kids every minute of the day,
including at school, even though they can’t see us due to the iHelmets we
wear to ensure we never have to look anyone in the eye. We can just
verbally instruct the device to upload messages to other iHelmet wearers. And
we don’t let them play in any sports leagues that don’t give every child a
participatory trophy. Of course, we don’t actually watch them play their games live,
we only see the games, and the ensuing trophy presentations, through the
screens in our iHelmets. Sure, it's a lot of screen time, but we don't own a TV. We don’t want to be “those” people. Since
food no longer exists thanks to the elimination of gluten from every facet of
the environment, their diets consist of nothing but vitamins and
protein suppositories. Oh, and heavens to Betsy, we do NOT let them believe in
Santa Claus.”
But the Millenials are probably onto something. After
telling kids their whole lives not to lie, they come to find out we’ve lied to
them their whole lives. And besides that, there’s something creepy about the notion that if
strangers believe you are behaving properly, they will reward you for it.
Then again, that scenario plays out over and over again in
all aspects of adult life. Maybe we’re not always rewarded
for behaving properly, but we definitely avoid punishment by behaving properly,
like at school, work, the airport, in front of police officers if you’re white
(am I right?! [wink, wink]). Then there are times when strangers do in fact
reward us for behaving properly. Usually the rewards consist of votes, job
offers and, of course, sex.
Come to think of it, we spend our whole adult lives trying
to get others to acknowledge our good behavior, so we might as well practice it
while we're young. And, like finding out Santa is a lie, we might as well have our children
get accustomed to not getting the recognition they deserve later in life. No
matter how hard they work, or how well they perform, or how many sacrifices
they make, they will never get the recognition they deserve!
NO MATTER WHERE THEY GO, OR WHO THEY TURN TO, THE WORLD WILL
CONTINUE TO SHIT ON ALL THEIR HOPES AND DRE…
(Heavy panting)
(More panting while bent at the waist)
Excuse me. Where was I?
Oh right, Santa Claus.
To lie or not to lie?
Probably doesn’t matter.
I believed in him once and I turned out fine.
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