Gathering Dirt at The National Security Agency

Agents Johnson, Ludwig and Crenshaw meet with the Deputy Director of the NSA for their regular intelligence update briefings.

August 16, 2011

Deputy Director: So we’ve been monitoring activity pretty closely in the northeast for the last six months. We should have gathered enough information to see if it’s worthwhile to pursue any potential terrorist leads. Ludwig, let’s start with you.

Ludwig: Thank you, sir. We’re not sure exactly where they’re operating out of, but about two months ago we became aware of a group called Destroy From Within.

Deputy Dir: Destroy From Within? Any chance they’re based out of Hoboken?

Everyone in the room laughs harder than the joke constitutes.

Ludwig: Good one, sir. This group consists of a dozen foreign-born civilians who earned their U.S. citizenships years ago. We’ve deduced that they’re led by two brothers, who, since becoming official citizens, have gone on to appear on the CIA’s Most Wanted List for the better part of a decade. Nearly everyone in the group has been linked to specific acts of terror or other terrorist organizations. They’re going to be our central focus for the foreseeable future.

Deputy Dir: Thank you for that update, Ludwig. Johnson, anything from your group?

Johnson: My team has something worth tracking as well. Two of the three groups we flagged last year based on their Internet and email activity are now trying to manufacture fake passports. And they’re not employing some rinky-dink operation to get it done either. So far we don’t have strong indicators of where they might be heading once they have those passports, but we should know more in the next week or so.

Deputy Dir: Good. Let me know the moment you’ve pegged a likely destination. Crenshaw, let’s hear what you’re targeting.

Crenshaw: The only thing I found worth mentioning is some budding activity at Fleugal Tile & Grout Cleaner outside Pittsburgh.

Deputy Dir: What’s going on there?

Crenshaw: It seems Tom in Accounts Payable has developed quite a crush on Simone in R&D.

Silence comes over the room.

Deputy Dir: Damnit Crenshaw, why the hell should we care about that?!

Crenshaw: Because she’s married.

A longer silence comes over the room.

Deputy Dir: Really?

October 28, 2011

Deputy Dir: Thanks everyone for making it in early this morning. I suspect we’ve got a lot to cover, so Ludwig let’s start with you.

Ludwig: It seems things have been unraveling for our friends at Destroy From Within. The two brothers are becoming increasingly hostile towards other members who they feel are pushing personal agendas. You may remember three of those members went missing right around the time of our last meeting, and have been missing for two weeks now. You may also remember the CIA tracked down their hub and found a way to get one of their own guys on the inside, but they’re thinking of pulling him out for safety concerns.

Deputy Dir: Wow. Could be good news, could be bad. Keeping things moving… Johnson, you’re up.

Johnson: You all got the memo about our fake passport producers eventually ending up in Turkey. Turns out they touched down there in order to sneak across the border into Syria. We think they have a safehouse there. We also think they’re smuggling arms into Syria, but we’re not sure where the weapons are originating from.

The Deputy Director turns his chair to face the other side of the table.

Deputy Dir: Alright, so what’s the latest with ol’ what’s their faces?

Crenshaw: Come on, sir. You know their names. Turns out Tom and Simone have had lunch together three times this week.

Deputy Dir: How is that possible? It’s only Wednesday morning.

Crenshaw: Think about it. Their third lunch took place around 3 p.m. yesterday at the Comfort Inn three blocks from their office.

Ludwig: Oh! It’s on now!

Deputy Dir: It’s about time.

Crenshaw: She is still married, sir.

Deputy Dir: To an asshole.

Johnson: Can we get back to my Syrian safehouse?

Deputy Dir: Just stay on it and see how it progresses. Keep me in the loop.

February 20, 2012

Deputy Dir: Morning, everyone. We’ve had great momentum going for the last few weeks and I’d like to keep that momentum going. Johnson, what have you got for us?

Johnson: Since arriving overseas, no one’s attempted to get back to the U.S. That’s made it difficult to track their activity on a weekly basis, but we think they’re getting significant outside funds to increase their arms supply. Things seem to be bubbling up over there among a number of rebel factions.

Deputy Dir: Ludwig, anything on your end?

Ludwig: Eh. The CIA decided not to pull their man out and now no one’s heard from him for four days. We’re watching it. Can we get to Crenshaw?

Deputy Dir: Crenshaw, you heard the man.

Crenshaw: We might have something out of D.C. regarding a number of commercial airline pilots participating in a drug swapping program. But I’m afraid nothing’s really progressed with our other point of interest.

Ludwig: What?! Valentine’s Day was last week.

Crenshaw: She spent most of the night at home with her husband. Tom had to work late.

Deputy Dir: Well so much for the momentum I was hoping for. Is she any closer to leaving that guy?

Crenshaw: All the intel points to Tom springing the ultimatum on her any day now. If she doesn’t file for a divorce soon, I think he’s jumping ship.

Ludwig: Tom’s gotta hang in there.

Johnson: Don’t you want to go into your missing man on the inside a little more?

Ludwig: Chill dude. We’re on it.

Deputy Dir: Yeah, I’m satisfied. Let’s wrap for the day. Keep your eyes on the prize, people.

July 18, 2012

Johnson: “… it’s obviously a private organization, but the funds are definitely being supplied from inside the U.S.”

Agent Crenshaw bursts through the conference room door in the middle of Agent Johnson’s update to his colleagues.

Crenshaw: Major breakthrough last week!

Deputy Dir: With the drug swapping?

Crenshaw: No, that turned out to be a dead end.

Deputy Dir: Ah, our two lovebirds then!

Crenshaw: Indeed. Simone finally issued Ambrose the divorce papers.

Johnson: Ambrose? Her husband’s name is Ambrose?

Crenshaw: I’ve mentioned that at least half a dozen times over the last several months.

Deputy Dir:  Johnson, let’s not waste valuable time in these meetings reviewing previously-established information.

Johnson: That’s a joke, right?

Crenshaw: Anyway, when he asked her if it was because she found someone else, she said “No.” But last Friday he walked into Applebee’s and found her and Tom sharing one of those chocolate lava cake desserts.

Ludwig: Oh, I love those.

Deputy Dir: Wait, I think Chili’s has the chocolate lava cake.

Crenshaw: Nope, it’s definitely Applebee’s.

Deputy Dir: Well that’s a shame. Applebee’s is like an extra 12 miles from my house.

Agent Johnson coughs loudly. The other agents glare at him annoyingly.

Crenshaw: Anyway, he went after Tom right there in the restaurant. It took six of the wait staff and three other customers to pull them off each other and drag them outside.

Johnson: Isn’t this more of a local police matter?

Crenshaw: Jesus, Johnson! We didn’t take their statements or anything.

Deputy Dir: Did you get enough sleep last night Johnson? You’re a little punchy this morning.

Johnson: (Rolls eyes) Sorry. Continue.

Crenshaw: That’s it really.

Johnson: Sir, if I may, I really feel like my team is tracking something big here. I could use some more manpower.

Deputy Dir: I’m afraid we just don’t have it.

Johnson: But Crenshaw said his drug thing was a dead end. Can’t we use some of his folks?

Deputy Dir: Too risky. We can’t afford to pull anyone off that team’s surveillance ops.

Ludwig: I’ve probably got a few people you can borrow.

Johnson: You? You’re following two of the most wanted men on the planet. I really think it would be better if they came from Crenshaw’s group.

Deputy Dir: Alright, Johnson, that’s enough. Take the rest of the day off and catch up on your sleep. Hopefully we’ll see you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed first thing in the morning. Crenshaw…

Crenshaw: Yes, sir?

Deputy Dir: Good work.

October 12, 2012

This time it’s Agent Johnson bursting through the door.

Johnson: Sir, we need to get a hold of every federal agency, every task force, even the president. As of this morning, we have a serious situation on our hands.

Crenshaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We all agreed at our last meeting that I’d go first this time.

Deputy Dir: He’s right, Johnson. You got any major updates, Crenshaw?

Crenshaw: And how! Can anyone say “Two and a half carat diamond engagement ring?”

Johnson: Sir, our targets are back in the U.S. And they have plutonium.

Deputy Dir: Johnson! You’ll. Have. Your. Turn. (He points his opened palm toward Agent Crenshaw) Continue.

Crenshaw: So, Tom bought an incredible ring, spared no expense, and walked around with it for days just waiting for the right moment.

Ludwig: She doesn’t care about the perfect moment. As soon as she sees that ring, she’ll be like “Oh hell yes!” Am I right?

Crenshaw: Well, they were walking through the park, hand in hand, after a romantic dinner to celebrate the anniversary of their first extra-marital tryst. All of a sudden it starts raining. Nothing heavy. Just a light drizzle. Luckily Tom had an umbrella, so they shared it and continued their stroll, only now they had to squeeze extra close to each other. Then, just like that, Simone broke a heel. She bent down to pick up her shoe and when she straightened up, there was Tom on one knee with the ring in his hand.

Crenshaw pauses.

Ludwig: And?!

Crenshaw: They’re getting married June 1^st.

Most of the room erupts in cheers. The agents start to file out of the room as the Deputy Director meets them at the door.

Deputy Dir: Crenshaw, masterful job. I want you to know you should expect a new title and a corner office by the end of the week. The entire agency is indebted to your service.

Crenshaw: Thank you, sir.

They shake hands as Crenshaw files out.

Johnson: Sir?

Deputy Dir: Yes, Agent Johnson?

Johnson: I’m officially putting in my two weeks notice. I’ll have the lead point person on my team brief you on our findings.

Deputy Dir: Agent Johnson, you’ll be missed. Good luck to you in all your future endeavors.

Johnson: Whatever.

Maestro… Push That Play Button

Thanks in large part to movies over the last, probably, 30+ years, we’ve become enamored with the idea of being able to soundtrack our lives. To click a button and have the song of our choice play over the background of whatever activity syncs perfectly with our selection – the training montage that plays when we run through the city streets, the love ballad that plays when we kiss that special someone in the rain, the getaway song that blares when we’re eluding the police on a crowded interstate.

Thanks in large part to one company’s developments in music technology (I want to say… Grapefruit?), now we can. Today we can make a playlist for any activity we choose to engage in. My hunch is the most popular kinds of playlists are created to strike the perfect tone for when we run, drive and hope to set the right romantic mood. But playlists are widely underused. Think of all the things we do during the day that we can create a soundtrack for.

The lists below are just some examples of playlists we should make for…

Eating
Eat It – Weird Al
Eat The Rich – Aerosmith
Help Me, I’m Hungry – Nirvana
Hungry Eyes – Eric Carmen
Hungry Heart – Bruce Springsteen
Hungry Like The Wolf – Duran Duran
Scenes From An Italian Restaurant – Billy Joel
Cheeseburger In Paradise – Jimmy Buffet
Rye Or The Kaiser – Weird Al
Buttermilk Biscuits – Sir Mix-A-Lot
Spoonman – Sound Garden
The Thanksgiving Song – Adam Sandler
The Lemon Song – Led Zeppelin
Ice Cream Man – Van Halen
Brown Sugar – The Rolling Stones
Milkshake – Kelis
Pork Soda – Primus

Pooping
Push It Real Good – Salt N’ Peppa
Another Break In The Wall – Pink Floyd
Eruption – Van Halen
Feel Me Flow – Naughty By Nature
Feel My Groove – Bernard Allison
Ooh That Smell – Lynyrd Skynyrd
Down The Drain – Marcy Playground
Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrisson

Dropping The Kids Off at School and/or Putting Them to Bed
Beautiful Day – U2
Celebration – Kool & the Gang
(Party Like It’s) 1999 – Prince
What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong
Feelin’ Alright – Joe Cocker
Hallelujah  Chorus

Finding Your Neighbor on the Ledge Outside His Apartment Window and/or Skipping Rope, But Mostly Finding Your Neighbor on the Ledge
Jump – Van Halen
Jump – Pointer Sisters
Jump – Kriss Kross
Jump – Madonna
Jump Around – House of Pain
Loser – Beck
Long Way Down – Goo Goo Dolls
Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty
I Believe I Can Fly – R Kelly
Spread Your Wings – Queen
Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler
Believe It Or Not I’m Walking On Air – Greatest American Hero Theme Song

When You’re Working 
Taking Care of Business – Bachman Turner Overdrive
9 to 5 – Dolly Parton
Keep On Working – Pete Townsend
Welcome to The Working Week – Elvis Costello
Whistle While You Work – Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

When You’re Specifically a Working Male
Hard Workin’ Man – Brooks & Dunn
He Works – DC Talk
Working Man – Rush

When You’re Specifically a Working Female
She Works Hard for The Money – Donna Summer
Woman’s Work – Tina Arena
This Woman’s Work – Kate Bush
Working Girl – Dolly Parton

When Your Way of Life is Not Defined By Excelling at a Particular Skill or Profession, But By the Act of Work Itself
Workin’ For A Livin’ – Huey Lewis And The News

When You and Your Colleagues Are Using Your Employment to Compile the Funds Necessary to Enjoy the Hours That Follow 5 p.m. on Friday
Everybody’s Working For The Weekend - Loverboy

When You Toil Away For a Large Entity That You Feel Is Stifling Your Creativity or Otherwise Keeping You From Achieving Your Dreams, or You Just Have a Male Boss
Working For The Man – Roy Orbison

When You Work in a Coal Mine
Working In The Coal Mine – Lee Dorsey

When You Want To Use Your Work To Arouse Another Person or Become Aroused by Someone Else’s Work
Do U Like The Way I Work It? – Essence
Got My Mojo Working – Manfred Mann
Ice Is Workin’ It – Vanilla Ice
Show Me What Cha Workin Wit – Kane and Able
Work It – Nelly
Work It – Missy Elliott
Work Me Slow - Xscape

Performing Surgery
I’m A Cut You – Bon Qui Qui
Cuts Like a Knife – Bryan Adams
Cut Me Down to Size – Stephen Egerton
Bad Medicine – Bon Jovi
Bleeding Me – Metallica
Playing With My Heart – Kate Voegele
Take Another Little Piece of My Heart – Janis Joplin
Hole In My Heart – Jewell
Hole In My Heart – Cyndi Lauper
Hole In My Heart – Rick Springfield
Hole In My Heart – Blackhawk
Hole In My Heart – Alphabeat
Head Like a Hole – Nine Inch Nails

Engaging In an Act of Domestic Violence
I’m A Cut You – Bon Qui Qui
Cuts Like a Knife – Bryan Adams
Cut Me Down to Size – Stephen Egerton (Some songs are very versatile)
Smack My Bitch Up – Prodigy
Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benatar
I’m Gonna Knock You Out – LL Cool J
Keep Their Heads Ringin’ – Dr. Dre
Gunpowder & Lead – Miranda Lambert

When You’re Being Transported From Your Home After the Incidence of Domestic Violence
I Fought the Law and The Law Won – The Bobby Fuller Four
I Fight Authority, Authority Always Wins – John Mellencamp
Locked Up – Akon
Jailhouse Rock – Elvis Presley
Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash
Chain Gang – Otis Redding/Sam Cooke
Back on The Chain Gang – The Pretenders
Fate of Criminals – The Adverts
Prison Sex – Tool

Making Playlists
Unnecessary – Childish Gambino
Enough Already – Pam Gerrand
Overkill – Men At Work
Go Outside – Cults

Heads or Tails?

Current NBA player Jason Collins recently announced he is gay in an article in Sports Illustrated. Struck not by the decision to announce it the way he did, but by the process Collins (and all gay people for that matter) must have gone through to choose homosexuality over heterosexuality, Bob creates a gay vs. straight Pro/Con list to help him make his own choice.

Straight

Pros	Cons
Considered the norm in nearly every civilization on the planet; few, if any, roadblocks to being accepted among society in terms of sexuality	Rarely considered the “in” preference Many roadblocks to getting asked to be on the panel of one of those red carpet fashion critique shows
Little temptation to lie about my sexual preference to any family members, friends or colleagues for any amount of time	Have lied to them already when it comes to how experienced I was by the time I graduated high school
Not likely to disappoint anyone with my choice	Which is a shame because I’ve got some people I wouldn’t mind disappointing
Large population of straight women who are technically “eligible” to be in a relationship with me	Small population of straight women who are interested in said relationship with me
If I can convince a woman to marry me, our union will be recognized by my faith and afforded benefits by the federal government that aren’t afforded to others	If either or both of us wishes to end the relationship, must get church and federal government involved
Few pratfalls with trying to have children	Not enough pratfalls with trying to have children
Will feel comfortable in most social situations	But when I’m around other men, the only thing I’ll be able to talk about is sports
There’s really too many pros to list here	When I’m around women, the only thing I’ll be able to talk about is sports
	In the gym, will be subjected to other, more insecure, straight men asserting their dominance while wearing little clothing
	Likely to be judged negatively for my wardrobe

Gay

Pros	Cons
·         Hmmm… let’s see…	In the gym, will be subjected to insecure straight men asserting their dominance while wearing little clothing
	Likely to be judged negatively for my wardrobe
·         Won’t have to watch sports because others will assume I don’t know anything about them	Others will assume I don’t know anything about sports
	Much smaller population of gay men to choose from compared to straight women
·         What else… what else…	Even fewer gay men seem interested in me than do straight women
	Any union I hope to have will not be recognized by many faiths or afforded any benefits by the federal government
·         There are a few states now that recognize gay marriage	I’d have to move
	Many pratfalls with trying to have children
·         Oh, I know one - when I tell people I’m going to an Oscars viewing party, I’ll no longer get the question, “Dude, are you gay?”	Potential for disappointing some people who are close to me, as well as complete strangers
	May feel tempted to lie about who I am
	Won’t be considered the norm in any civilization on the planet

Decisions, decisions…

Making a New Year’s Resolution Three Months In

As is customary around the first of January, many people make resolutions to achieve a goal or change their behavior in some manner that will improve their lives or the lives of others. The resolutions that involve behavioral changes are typically intended to last the duration of the year.

As is customary around the first of April, my friend Bob likes to make a resolution based on how the first quarter of his year has played out. Below are the ones he’s considering for the rest of 2013:

I thought I would have lost 10 pounds by now, but I’ve gained eight, so I’m not making that my resolution until I lose at least the first eight and another four.

           

I’m still smoking; half a pack more than I was at the first of the year, so that won’t be the one either.

           

I’ve always wanted to take piano lessons, but now the weather is getting so nice.

I could try to finish my novel, but I haven’t started it because of the album I thought I was going to record.

I was going to adopt a puppy from one of those no-kill shelters, but after running over that cat, I felt like I had to get two puppies to make up for it and my apartment has a one pet limit.

I could take that cardio class at the gym four days a week, but that’s really more of a half-year resolution than a three-quarters-of-the-year resolution.

I have a lot of stuff in storage that I need to go through, but it gets so hot in the unit this time of the year. It will cool off again in the fall, but I can’t start a resolution with only three months left in the year. That would just be sad.

I had hoped to apply for a new job every week, but since January 1st, I’ve only sent out one resume. To get on pace with my goal, I’d have to send out 12 before Friday and… I mean, come on. That’s a lot of cover letters.

At Christmas, my girlfriend gave me a cookbook because I’ve been wanting to get into cooking for the longest time. Then she dumped me on Valentine’s Day, so I threw it out. The recipes were probably controlling and judgmental anyway.

I totally planned to give more to charity this year, but I’m a little short on funds since the trashcan fire I set in order to get rid of all my ex-girlfriend’s stuff got out of hand and damaged most of the living room wall of my apartment. I swear, I don’t even know why I have insurance.

Since I’m not getting a puppy, I thought about doing some volunteer work, but I really don’t have time if I want to finish my novel, which I’ll never get to if I don’t start recording that album.

At the end of last year, I thought about making amends with my estranged uncle, but he died during halftime of the Super Bowl. Apparently he tried to get in touch with me about six months before he died, but he didn’t have my latest phone number or address.

Guess I could be better about letting people know when I change my phone number and address. Everyone except for my stupid ex-girlfriend, of course. Think she’ll take me back?

Where's Chicken Little When You Need Him?

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Carpe Diem. Life imitates art. Famous sayings, all. Sayings that have stood the test of time and hold infinite amounts of wisdom, even though no one knows what the first two mean.

But if I know anything, which is yet to be determined, it’s that the third one is true – life does imitate art. And so if Hollywood has its way, nature will obliterate us all.

Every year we’re treated to a new blockbuster in which mankind succumbs to earthquakes, massive volcanic eruptions, the Earth’s core overheating, the onslaught of an instant ice age, giant ocean swells, a general rise in ocean levels, the next great boy band, and sometimes all of those at once. But a lot of these terrible movies followed in the footsteps of two giant-asteroid-blowing-Earth-to-bits movies released 15 years ago – Armageddon and Deep Impact.

Two weeks ago, when millions of Russians could see a meteor blasting through the sky without the aid of even a contact lens, we got scarily close to the moment when Hollywood would have been able to say, “See? Told ya.”

But in this instance, Hollywood didn’t have it right for two reasons. One being that the asteroid, this asteroid, didn’t hit Earth’s surface. The other reason is we’re supposed to know when we’ll be crushed by a giant asteroid, but this one seemed to catch everyone with their pants around their ankles (I know what that saying means too).

In the two asteroid movies, we know the gigantic rocks are coming. Scientists see them hurtling towards us. We develop plans. We train people. We question the training. We set the training to musical montages. Then we execute the plan. Well, in one of them anyway. In the other movie, the plan initially doesn’t work, so we have a contingency plan in which the old and infirm are asked to block the young, healthy, high-powered government officials from the asteroid’s impact. Or maybe those people are shuffled underground and the old and infirm get to absorb the impact however they wish. Either way, Elijah Wood escapes death because he has a motorcycle.

The reality is we’ll be as prepared for an asteroid as the dinosaurs were. The question was often asked how so many Russian cameras were able to capture the meteor during the brief time it flew overhead. The answer was NOT because everyone knew that it would fly over Russia on that specific day at that specific time. Not at all, because each of us is as prepared for an asteroid as we are for a traffic light snapping and falling on us while crossing the street.

The answer turned out to be because Russia is a horrible place to live. Sadly it was made an even more horrible place to live because nobody knew an asteroid was coming.

If it’s not too much to ask, I would like to know that a giant asteroid is coming. As a short, skinny man with an average education and a pale, freckly complexion who is past his peak physical condition, I assume I would not be among those chosen to hide in the underground government bunkers, but I could at least start digging my own bunker. Or, since I’m past my peak physical condition, pay someone to dig me a bunker. Since money would no longer be worth anything, I’d probably have to find someone with less of an education than I have. All of this would of course take time. So can someone who majored in asteroid identification please start manning the telescopes?

Viva St. Valentine

“Love? Love?! Is that all that’s left?”

“Afraid so. There are worse things, you know.”

“No one will take me seriously if that’s what I’m known for.”

“Oh, come on! That’s ridiculous. Love is a many splendored thing. Love makes the world go round. All you need is love.”

“What the hell does any of that mean?”

“What? People say that. I’ve heard people say that.”

“Makes the world go round? That’s preposterous. It’s utterly impossible. Go round. Go round what?”

“Whatever. Look, love is what it’s all about.”

“You and I both know that love is nothing more than… than… than a battlefield.”

“Oooh, that’s a good one.”

“I can’t be known for love. What about the blind or the infirmed or the homeless?”

“I told you - those are all taken. You want to be a saint, you gotta be the saint of love.”

“Pish! St. Valentine, the patron saint of love? Nobody will hear the name Valentine and think love. For generations, the name Valentine has struck fear in the hearts of men. It’s stared down demons and defeated the most steadfast armies.”

“Dude, two days before you ended up here, the whole town saw you twirling around on your roof in your underwear.”

“I was drunk! Why do you think I fell off my roof and wound up in this position?!”

“And for that I would have gladly anointed you the patron saint of beer, but even that has been taken.”

“I can’t believe this has happened to me. You know, my brother Cupid spends every weekend spinning around on the roof in his underwear and he’s never fallen off once. Three weeks ago he filled up his quiver with a bunch of arrows and drug it up there with him. Somehow he got one stuck in his ass. Didn’t fall off, though. The first time I trot up there to show him how stupid he looks and I end up talking to you. That’s what I called him growing up – Cupid the Stupid. Serves me right, I guess.”

“If it’s any consolation, I have a feeling his eternal fate won’t be much different than yours. Look, for thousands of years to come, lovers will celebrate you on the anniversary of your death. They’ll give their hearts over to each other, commemorating their feelings all in the name of St. Valentine.”

“You think so?”

“Of course!”

“What about the lonely? The lovelorn? Those who have loved and lost, never to love again? Won’t they be miserable every year on this day?”

“Don’t worry, they have a patron saint of their own.”

And... They're Off!

Know anyone in their 30s? Do they run? Like, not to get anywhere, but for fun? Of course they do. Running seems to be the thing to do among people in my age bracket. Strike that. It seems to be the thing to do among everyone in my age bracket. Once people reach their 30s, in this country anyway, they run. Not from anything or to anywhere, physically speaking. Metaphorically, however, perhaps they run to get away from middle age, or to get back to their youth, or a combination of the two, or just one of those because really they’re the same thing. Whatever the reason, people run. Like a bunch of damn Forrest Gumps.

Once we cross the threshold into 30, a starter’s pistol goes off in our heads. I guess the thinking is, if you’re able to travel 13 miles in under half an hour, then you’re moving too fast. Slow down. Take in the sights. Breathe the fresh air. Feel the cramps. Pin a number to your shirt as if you’ve been tagged by the government.

Running is good for us. It clears the mind, clears the arteries, reduces excess weight and builds up endurance. And while running may be harder on the nipples than driving a car, it’s also good for the environment. Of course, nobody trades in their car for a pair of running shoes. It’s not typically done as a means of transport. I’ve yet to see someone run to the grocery store and then run home with a week’s worth of food in their arms. Runners tend to only move in circles. Or at least have cars waiting for them at the finish line. But even if they’re still destroying the environment, at least runners enjoy longer lives in the muck and the mire.

Our 30s are when we start to feel the years catching up to us. That’s why we’re dumbfounded when professional athletes that age manage to not puke on themselves after shooting a pair of particularly grueling free throws. People in their 50s and 60s, however, are quick to scoff at the notion of a 30-something feeling old. “You don’t know what it feels like to be old,” they mumble through the drool. But if the geezers could somehow remember their lives 20 years prior, they’d recall that their bodies started wearing down long before diapers became necessary again.

My hunch is that people don’t take up running to learn how to appreciate cramps or to aid the environment. Health plays a factor, as we all get more health conscious as the years tick by, but while the driving force certainly has to do with the movement of a clock, it’s our hope to make it turn backwards as opposed to our concern over triglyceride levels as it ticks forward.

Wanting to feel like we can still swim laps all day, outrun our kids or dunk a basketball. To stop compiling injuries to our necks, backs, arms and legs that were brought on by sleeping on them funny. To, as I said earlier, recapture our youth. That’s my hunch. At least it was.

Now I tend to think we just get braver once we hit our 30s. We become more willing to stare down our fears, to try things we weren’t willing to try before. At this point people usually know what they’re capable of, what their limitations are, but they’re also more confident. A lot of people have secured a career, gotten married, bought a house and had kids before saying goodbye to their 30s. That’s a lot to be confident for. Hell, raising kids who know not to hold their pet hamster out the window of a moving car is reason enough to give a person confidence.

Sure, it means we have a lot more to lose than we did in our 20s, but we understand the risks better too. We look to go after what stirs the fire inside us. Plus, there’s not much we should be afraid of trying. And there isn't.

Good luck, Sweetie. And look out, Everest.