Monday, November 19, 2007

If Your Last Name is Fudd, Forget It

With deer hunting season upon us, I’d just like to remind everyone of the importance of gun safety. There are, of course, other methods you can use to hunt deer that don’t involve going into the woods or wearing anything that makes you look like an escaped con. You can simply drive up and down any stretch of highway, day or night, until one runs into your car. Cars are a terrific magnet for deer (any make, model and year will do). Plus, by using a car, you don’t have to pour a certain liquid on yourself that many hunters use to attract deer. This makes driving an attractive alternative, as many well-trained aroma scientists have said the ‘liquid’ has a distinct odor that smells “a lot like deer piss.”

If you do hunt with a gun, however, please be careful. It’s important to be responsible and not to use your gun for anything other than what is permissible by law. Up until a couple of weeks ago, if anyone had said to me, “I never use my gun for anything other than hunting,” I would have believed them. But a few news stories over the last couple of weeks have shown me that gun owners are good at finding all sorts of uses for their guns.

This one was particularly eye-opening as far as learning what a gun can be used for. It got me thinking that maybe everyone who wants to buy a gun should be required to take an IQ test and score higher than a 12 before going home with one. Or, if not an IQ test, some kind of grading scale that lets the government and your surrounding community know that you at least have the brain capacity of a pop-tart.

For example, if you’re met with a scenario like this, it would be comforting for the rest of us to know that you have answered the following question correctly:

You may carry a gun when you are:
a) Hunting with a correct permit in a legally designated area
b) At a firing range
c) In a crowd of people, including while at work, even if you are not a police officer
d) a and b only

And many other ugly mishaps could be avoided if people in Boddington, Washington had to correctly answer the following question before being given a firearm:

If your neighbor is playing music a little too loudly, you should:
a) Shoot him
b) Not shoot him

Then again, even if a test contained thousands of multiple choice questions, it wouldn’t ensure that people would use a gun responsibly. Sometimes it requires more than just intelligence. For instance, in my opinion you should not be allowed to own a gun if you are a complete – and I believe this is the proper medical term – dickhole. Maybe you should have to collect the signatures of 50 people who will vouch that you, in fact, are not a dickhole. Do you think these two yahoos could get 50 signatures? Or even 10?

As you can see, I don’t have the perfect solution. My suggestions need a little tweaking. But obviously something needs to be done. I mean, if you're a high-ranking government official, you can own a gun without even knowing the difference between a bird and the face of a 78-year-old man. So help me spread the word to use guns more responsibly. Now excuse me while I pull out my 12-gauge – the toilet is backed up again.

No comments: