What'd You Say, Whippersnapper?

I’m sure a lot of married people would agree that adding the phrase “my wife” or “my husband” to their everyday speech habits feels weird at first. It did for me. I mean, hey, I had never said it before.

“I’d like you to meet my wife. My wife has that sweater. My wife likes cheese.”

Now it feels completely natural, but all of those were new four years ago. Now “my son” has entered my lexicon. That feels strange. Wonderful, but strange.

(As a quick side note, my age may indicate that I’m plenty old enough to have a child, but my maturity level indicates quite the opposite. I know that everyone who hears me say “my son” for the first time has the same thought, “You’re somebody’s father?” Believe me, I feel badly for him too. Back to my point.)

It feels great to say “my wife” and “my son.” For most people, those phrases are positive indications we’ve reached certain stages in our lives. Older stages, but positive ones nonetheless.

But as we get older, there are all sorts of things we say that indicate we’ve reached other milestones. Some of them I can do without. No matter how old I get, I hope the following never become a regular part of my vocabulary:

“Enflamed prostate”

“Irregular”

“When I was your age”

“We might as well face it, we need a minivan”

“What are they teaching you at that school?”

“If there’s a place you got to go/I’m the one you need to know/I’m the Map/I’m the Map/I’m the Map/If there’s a place you got to get/I can get you there I bet/I’m the Map/I’m the Map/I’m the Map”

“Well, son, Cialis is something daddies take when they want to…”

“Honey, where’s the Celebrex?”

“Honey, where’s the Cialis?”

“Yes officer, he lives here”

“Let’s not go to the movies on a Friday night, there’ll be too many teenagers there” (Okay, I may have heard myself say this already)

Buddy of mine: “Hey you want a beer?”
Me: “No thanks. What kind of diet soda do you have?”

“That Rich Little is a hoot”

“More fiber”

The word ‘hoot’

“That’s way too loud, turn it down”

“I can’t hear, turn it up”

“I can’t remember the last time I stayed up past 11 p.m.” (Okay, I know I’ve heard myself say this)

“These velcro laces work great”

“No thanks, I have enough hair on my back that I don’t need to put sunscreen on it”

“Oh no! Ponderosa looks crowded”

“The guided tour sounds lovely”