You Want How Much?

Well, my 2008 is off to a rousing start. I just left my tax preparer’s office. This is the first year that I’ve ever paid someone else to do the paperwork on my taxes, and it turned out to be more painful than doing it myself. I didn’t think that was possible because if you’ve ever filed your own taxes, you know it feels a lot like watching your dog get hit by a car. But sure enough, this was worse. However, I left feeling lucky that the government isn’t looking for me (as far as I know).

They certainly have every right to be looking for me.

It turns out I owe the government a lot of money. A lot of money. And this isn’t an amount that would be considered ‘a lot’ by some people, but ‘a little’ by others. Oprah would consider this a lot of money. Up until the meeting with the tax preparer, I was unaware of this, of course.

The problem arose because the status of my job requires me to pay state and federal income taxes on a quarterly basis, only I have to do so without having my wages and withholdings typed out and mailed to me on a single piece of paper. That means I have to estimate my quarterly payments. For anyone who isn’t a CPA, this is a bad idea.

My wife and I had an opportunity to save a little money this year by filing before January 31, but this put us in a time crunch, so we hurriedly gathered up all of our paperwork and met with a consultant. I handed the nice lady my pay stubs from 2007, as well as my estimated tax statements so that she could figure out our 2008 payment. At about the halfway point of adding the numbers, she shifted her gaze from her computer screen and looked at me as if Cameron Diaz’s brother from There’s Something About Mary had prepared our taxes last year.

“Your 2007 totals were a little off,” she said.

I wasn’t surprised by this news, but when she told me just how far off I was, I’m pretty sure I suffered a stroke. I broke out in a sweat, my legs went numb and my ears started ringing. Given my temporarily-diminished hearing, I couldn’t quite make out her next statement, but I’m pretty sure she said, “A goat could have gotten closer.”

Obviously I never should have attempted to file our taxes without professional help. And if I had thought back to my college days, I would have known that it was a bad idea before getting started. During my time as a semi-declared business major, I had to take a basic accounting class. Things seemed to go fine, but at the end of the semester, my final grade was an H.

After accounting came a semester of finance, which I took through correspondence. If you’ve never done this before, it means you read the book and turn in scheduled assignments, but you don’t attend class. This sounded great, but without a professor to explain the material or to be there when I had questions, it was hard as hell. But I did the assignments, turned them in every week, and at the end of the course I received a letter in the mail that read “Congratulations on completing all of the course work. However, you are not enrolled in this university. Please stop wasting everyone’s time.”

Despite these setbacks, I’ve always done my own taxes since first stepping foot into the “real world.” Believe it or not, it used to be easy. When I didn't have a child, a home or other deductions to itemize, and I had a job that extended me wonderful benefits, like sending me a W-2 every year, filing my taxes wasn’t too complicated.

Now it’s… well, like watching my dog get hit by a car.

So instead of sending our son to college, or feeding him for the next two years, we’ll be paying the government a large sum of money. We’ll also be paying someone to figure this out in the future. Hopefully someone with a slogan that instills the utmost confidence in us that their calculations are accurate. Something like, “Franks and beans!”

That’s someone I would trust with my money.

What Would Mr. Rogers Do?

Being a good neighbor is important. It helps establish friendships, solidifies ties in the community and generally spreads happiness and camaraderie in our society. Being a good neighbor can have karmic effects, like having someone there to help keep you out of harms way or get you out of a jam - things that are very important when considering where to settle down. So you should ask yourself, “Am I a good neighbor?”

Well, good neighbors do things like lend you some sugar, let you borrow a ladder, pick up your newspaper when you’re out of town, jack up your car when you’re pinned underneath it, offer to drive a body across state lines, call the fire department when teenagers have burned a message into your grass that questions the wholesomeness of your sister, and so on and so on.

You might even say a good neighbor would castrate your sheep with his teeth. Alright, that one’s going too far, right? You’re probably thinking, “That is disgusting and completely unnecessary. You wrote that merely for shock value.”

Well, according to the East Valley Tribune in Phoenix, Arizona, someone out there is not only willing to do this, but already has. Go ahead, check it out. I’ll give you a minute.

Eye-opening, huh? So I thought about what I would do if I had a neighbor that was willing to do this for me. I mean, this isn’t your average, every-day good deed. If someone did this for me, I would be sure to show him my appreciation by going to his house, knocking on his door and presenting him with the sturdiest straight jacket I could find.

On the flip side, would I do this for someone in return? Hmmm…

I did think about how far I would go to help a neighbor that had some sheep and needed this very procedure performed on his or her livestock. Suppose, for instance, that this was a great neighbor. A great friend, even. Someone I could always count on to help me when I needed it, to pick me up when I was feeling down, someone I spent a good deal of time with and who would leave a huge void in my life if they ever moved away. Here’s what I would do for them, in no particular order, if they asked me to help castrate some sheep:

1) Offer to drive them and their sheep to a licensed vet’s office
2) Offer to call a licensed vet and see if they would come out to the property, in case transporting the sheep were not an option
3) Politely ask the neighbor to get off my lawn
4) Put up a ‘For Sale’ sign in my yard

Seeing as how I would be scared to have either the good samaritan or the lady with the sheep living anywhere near me, I guess I won’t be winning any neighborly awards. However, if it’s any consolation to the guy who did go beyond the call of duty, while I might be afraid to have him living next door, I wouldn’t mind having him play football alongside me (as is his current profession). Let’s face it, I sure as hell wouldn’t want him playing against me.

Well, that’s about all I can write on this topic. I would write more, but I need to go. My lunch is getting cold.

Darkness Around Every Corner

This is why I don't read the news (and why I will soon light my ears on fire)...

New Kids On The Block to Reunite

But the good folks at Humor-Blogs.com have assured me they don't have any former New Kids on their staff. Anymore.

No Parity for This Sports Fan

Over the next couple of weeks, if you pay very close attention, you might hear a word or two about an upcoming sporting event (Sunday, Feb. 3) known as the ‘Super Bowl.’ You’ll have to really tune into your TV or radio for long stretches, or do an extensive search on the Internet, but somebody will be talking about it.

It’s a relatively unpopular competition, but if history is any indicator, ESPN will devote at least five minutes to pre-game Super Bowl coverage this week, and maybe even 10 minutes next week as the game looms closer. But if it’s such an unpopular event, you might be asking yourself why I’m even bringing it up. I mean, this year the Super Bowl, as it’s called, is likely to receive even less attention than usual, given that it will feature a little-known undefeated team called the New England Patriots and a team from a little-known town with a virtually non-existent media core called the New York Giants. I can’t imagine many people will watch the game, let alone cover it.

I bring it up, though, because despite its meager following, I was planning to tune into the game with the hope of seeing the undefeated New England team lose the championship matchup. However, now that this New York team is also competing in the event, I’m not sure whom I want to lose. You see, lately fans in Boston and New York City haven’t exactly had lengthy runs of bad luck when it comes to seeing their sports teams play for a championship.

Over the last 12 years, a New York or Boston team has played in a championship game or series EVERY YEAR, with the exception of 2006. And in eight of those 12 years, one of those cities has produced a winner. Take a look:

1996 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Braves)
1997 – Patriots play in the Super Bowl (vs. Packers)
1998 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Padres)
1999 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Braves)
2000 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Mets)
2001 – Giants play in the Super Bowl (vs. Ravens) and the Yankees play in the World Series (vs. Diamondbacks)
2002 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Rams)
2003 – Yankees play in the World Series (vs. Marlins)
2004 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Panthers) and the Red Sox win the World Series (vs. Cardinals)
2005 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Eagles)
2006 – N/A
2007 – Red Sox win the World Series (vs. Rockies)

Now that either the Patriots or the Giants will win the Super Bowl, that figure is 9 for 13. And this streak has evolved despite the fact that neither cities’ NBA or NHL teams (New York has two hockey teams) have really come close to competing for a title in 14 years. Which means these two cities have rung-up this impressive streak by relying on only two of the four major sports leagues in which they root for (the NFL and MLB).

But if that’s not enough, if you throw in their NBA and NHL franchises, then that streak stretches to 1994, in which Big Apple residents enjoyed the Rangers winning the Stanley Cup and the Knicks playing in the NBA finals. And this year, the Boston Celtics have a better-than-average shot at winning the NBA finals (you may have heard that they’re having a pretty good season) and the Red Sox have to be an early favorite to once again win the World Series.

Allow me a moment to try to freeze the part of my brain that just dripped out of my ears.

So now I don’t know what I’d rather see - the Patriots lose the Super Bowl or, right after both teams run onto the field, watch as the Cloverfield monster attacks the stadium. I think it’s the latter.

If anyone can round up the monster, I can give him a ride.

P.S. If you want to check out some other funny stuff, click on Humor-Blogs.com. The more times you go there from here, the more likely they are to list my blog on their site. So if the two of you wouldn't mind... it would help a brother out. And me too.

The Written Word at its Finest

Every time I enter a bookstore I usually get the same inviting feeling, like I should spend more time there. Maybe it’s the ambiance. It’s possible all the bookstore owners have figured out the right kind of lighting to use or the fact that so many of them house cafes that emit pleasant aromas throughout the building. I guess it could be that I’m naturally drawn to all the reading material, but I’m not sold on this notion since most of the time I’d rather watch an old movie on cable that I’ve seen a dozen times than pick up a book.

It’s becoming harder and harder to figure out the reason because lately whenever I walk into a bookstore, there’s nothing but crap sitting on the shelves. Maybe that’s why so many of them have cafes with pleasant-smelling brews and desserts – to cover up the smell of crap. But there’s no hiding the sight of it. In fact, it’s the covers of a lot of books that give them away.

This is where the fiction section has a decided advantage in keeping readers in its aisles because novels and other works of fiction are harder to, pardon the cliché, judge by their covers. But the poor non-fiction sections don’t stand a chance. Their titles practically scream, “Get out of here! Save yourself!” Before long, your eyes feel like they’ve been staring at the sun.

Take the Business/Management section, which is the first one I happened to stumble across at Barnes & Noble earlier this week. Here you’ll see that besides dominating the real-estate market and flooding the airwaves, Donald Trump is also an accomplished author. His latest is called (and I’m not making this up) Think Big and Kick Ass. Only time will tell if his follow-up works – If You Think I’m Obnoxious on TV, Try This Hard-Bound Bowel Movement, and If You See Rosie O’Donnell on the Street, Spit on Her For Me – will be as successful.

This section also contained all sorts of titles that promised 7, 9 or 12 steps to achieving success, getting rich, getting ahead, getting the corner office or avoiding the corner office and offices altogether. Depending on my level of impatience, I could have also learned how to get the job I want in either 30 days or 48 days. These books mean well, but they all have the same vague, formulaic advice, like “Follow Your Dreams,” or “Be True to Yourself,” or “Don’t Stab Your Boss.”

These quick-fix Road to Success-type books look more and more like the diet mega-sellers that say you can lose a significant amount of weight in 30, 21 or even 10 days. But all of these have been out for so long, they’ll no doubt soon be replaced with Lose 20 Pounds in One Hour, Lose 50 Pounds in 15 Minutes, and the limb-severing Lose 100 Pounds in 29 Seconds!

Oddly enough, despite the popular movement of using minimalist approaches to achieving what you want, I saw a self-help book near the front of the store titled 100 Ways to Simplify Your Life. A hundred?! Call me crazy, but shouldn’t simplifying your life BE simple? You’re telling me that the road to simplicity involves either memorizing 100 tips to incorporate into my life or, more likely, writing down all these tips and placing them strategically around my home, my car, my office, my hands, arms and forehead so that I look at them everyday, ensuring that I’ll have far more clutter filling up my mind and my personal space than what I had before? If this book really wants to help you simplify your life, its first tip should be: Don’t read this book.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I left this section of the bookstore and stumbled into the area providing the perfect antidote – politics. I knew that politically-motivated publications wouldn’t pollute my senses with inflammatory accusations and authors’ personal agendas. My optimism soon wilted, however, when I saw wall-to-wall books with titles like Today’s Godless, Moraless, Lawless, Senseless, Gutless and Topless Democratic Party and Beware: Republicans Will Sneak Into Your Home and Eat Your Children.

Sigh.

I wondered if the sports section would renew my faith. If nothing else, it opened my eyes. For instance, did you know Kurt Angle has written a book? I bet you didn’t. You know why I’m betting you didn’t know that? Because if you’re anything like me, when you think of great literary writers you don’t typically think of professional wrestlers. Well, you better start. Not only does the abrasive Mr. Angle have a book, so do many of his contemporaries – Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Triple H and Mick Foley, who, judging by his output, must have spent at least as much time writing as he did wrestling.

I glanced at my watch and thought I better head home. It was getting to be the prime-time hours for television viewing. Surely TeenWolf would be on some channel.

Try Changing Your Tune

As a continuation of my careful monitoring of the 2008 presidential race, I’ve been closely watching all the debates, following the results of the caucuses and generally tracking the campaigns of as many candidates as I can. After doing so for the better part of 2007 and the beginning of 2008, I can’t help but ask a question. When did change become so damn popular?

Every time I turn on the TV or look at the newspaper, there’s another candidate championing change. Republican and Democrat alike. And every time one of them holds a rally or gives a speech in which they mention change to the gathered crowd, everyone goes nuts. People love it. They can’t get enough of it.

I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard “I promise to bring change,” or “I’m the candidate for change.” Sometimes a candidate will say something particularly odd, like “I promise to bring change to Washington.” OK, well what about the rest of us? Should we expect bubkis? That seems like a small segment of the population to cater to.

It used to be that candidates would talk about creating jobs, bettering the economy, improving the education system, advancing the space program or stopping the spread of poverty and disease in our country and around the world. Now it’s nothing but change. Well, you know what? Thanks, but no thanks.

McDonalds gives me change. Kroger gives me change. Even the vending machine at work gives me change. I can expect a $20 bill from my grandmother on my birthday, and all you cheapskates can promise is change?

I mean, how much change can we expect? Will it be based on age, income, or will we all get the same amount? And how will it be delivered? Will elderly men in park ranger uniforms get out of armored cars and drop a bunch of bags at my front door? Will it at least be wrapped in those paper wrappers? The bank won’t take it if it’s not pre-wrapped in the paper wrappers and doing that yourself is a pain in the ass. Can we request the change come via a wire transfer to our bank account? That sounds a little more appealing.

Or how about something a little easier to carry, like bills. Printing all that money might strain the government’s printing presses, but if one of these candidates could find a way to reduce our country’s debt, then maybe some of the excess funds could go toward a few more color copiers. But no one is telling us they’ll reduce the debt, only provide change. I guess adding one more thing to the ‘to-do’ list is too much to ask.

And come to think of it, where is the change coming from? Is it like a refund on our taxes? Because if it’s nothing more than change that is ours to begin with, then I don’t see why we should get that excited.

But we are. We’re giddy for change. And apparently we don’t care about any of these logistics. No one ever asks just how much change we’ll get or when we can expect to see it. The debate moderators don’t ask, and even the candidates themselves don’t challenge each other on who will give the most change. Wouldn’t you expect to hear something like this from Barack Obama during one of the debates:

“Senator Clinton is running on a platform of change, but her time as first lady and senator from New York shows a history of trying to overhaul our country’s healthcare system. When I say that I will bring change, I mean it. Quarters for everyone!”

Maybe I’m just getting cranky in my old age. Maybe I should be grateful for the chance to buy a few more pieces of three-year-old gum from the gum ball machines in front of Chuck-E-Cheeses, or to make a few more wishes in front of the fountains in the mall. It all seems like just a big hassle, though. Every time I hear a presidential hopeful mention the word ‘change,’ I want to respond the same way I do when I hand $20 to the delivery guy for my $19.50 pizza: Keep it.