What Would Mr. Rogers Do?

Being a good neighbor is important. It helps establish friendships, solidifies ties in the community and generally spreads happiness and camaraderie in our society. Being a good neighbor can have karmic effects, like having someone there to help keep you out of harms way or get you out of a jam - things that are very important when considering where to settle down. So you should ask yourself, “Am I a good neighbor?”

Well, good neighbors do things like lend you some sugar, let you borrow a ladder, pick up your newspaper when you’re out of town, jack up your car when you’re pinned underneath it, offer to drive a body across state lines, call the fire department when teenagers have burned a message into your grass that questions the wholesomeness of your sister, and so on and so on.

You might even say a good neighbor would castrate your sheep with his teeth. Alright, that one’s going too far, right? You’re probably thinking, “That is disgusting and completely unnecessary. You wrote that merely for shock value.”

Well, according to the East Valley Tribune in Phoenix, Arizona, someone out there is not only willing to do this, but already has. Go ahead, check it out. I’ll give you a minute.

Eye-opening, huh? So I thought about what I would do if I had a neighbor that was willing to do this for me. I mean, this isn’t your average, every-day good deed. If someone did this for me, I would be sure to show him my appreciation by going to his house, knocking on his door and presenting him with the sturdiest straight jacket I could find.

On the flip side, would I do this for someone in return? Hmmm…

I did think about how far I would go to help a neighbor that had some sheep and needed this very procedure performed on his or her livestock. Suppose, for instance, that this was a great neighbor. A great friend, even. Someone I could always count on to help me when I needed it, to pick me up when I was feeling down, someone I spent a good deal of time with and who would leave a huge void in my life if they ever moved away. Here’s what I would do for them, in no particular order, if they asked me to help castrate some sheep:

1) Offer to drive them and their sheep to a licensed vet’s office
2) Offer to call a licensed vet and see if they would come out to the property, in case transporting the sheep were not an option
3) Politely ask the neighbor to get off my lawn
4) Put up a ‘For Sale’ sign in my yard

Seeing as how I would be scared to have either the good samaritan or the lady with the sheep living anywhere near me, I guess I won’t be winning any neighborly awards. However, if it’s any consolation to the guy who did go beyond the call of duty, while I might be afraid to have him living next door, I wouldn’t mind having him play football alongside me (as is his current profession). Let’s face it, I sure as hell wouldn’t want him playing against me.

Well, that’s about all I can write on this topic. I would write more, but I need to go. My lunch is getting cold.