Try Changing Your Tune

As a continuation of my careful monitoring of the 2008 presidential race, I’ve been closely watching all the debates, following the results of the caucuses and generally tracking the campaigns of as many candidates as I can. After doing so for the better part of 2007 and the beginning of 2008, I can’t help but ask a question. When did change become so damn popular?

Every time I turn on the TV or look at the newspaper, there’s another candidate championing change. Republican and Democrat alike. And every time one of them holds a rally or gives a speech in which they mention change to the gathered crowd, everyone goes nuts. People love it. They can’t get enough of it.

I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard “I promise to bring change,” or “I’m the candidate for change.” Sometimes a candidate will say something particularly odd, like “I promise to bring change to Washington.” OK, well what about the rest of us? Should we expect bubkis? That seems like a small segment of the population to cater to.

It used to be that candidates would talk about creating jobs, bettering the economy, improving the education system, advancing the space program or stopping the spread of poverty and disease in our country and around the world. Now it’s nothing but change. Well, you know what? Thanks, but no thanks.

McDonalds gives me change. Kroger gives me change. Even the vending machine at work gives me change. I can expect a $20 bill from my grandmother on my birthday, and all you cheapskates can promise is change?

I mean, how much change can we expect? Will it be based on age, income, or will we all get the same amount? And how will it be delivered? Will elderly men in park ranger uniforms get out of armored cars and drop a bunch of bags at my front door? Will it at least be wrapped in those paper wrappers? The bank won’t take it if it’s not pre-wrapped in the paper wrappers and doing that yourself is a pain in the ass. Can we request the change come via a wire transfer to our bank account? That sounds a little more appealing.

Or how about something a little easier to carry, like bills. Printing all that money might strain the government’s printing presses, but if one of these candidates could find a way to reduce our country’s debt, then maybe some of the excess funds could go toward a few more color copiers. But no one is telling us they’ll reduce the debt, only provide change. I guess adding one more thing to the ‘to-do’ list is too much to ask.

And come to think of it, where is the change coming from? Is it like a refund on our taxes? Because if it’s nothing more than change that is ours to begin with, then I don’t see why we should get that excited.

But we are. We’re giddy for change. And apparently we don’t care about any of these logistics. No one ever asks just how much change we’ll get or when we can expect to see it. The debate moderators don’t ask, and even the candidates themselves don’t challenge each other on who will give the most change. Wouldn’t you expect to hear something like this from Barack Obama during one of the debates:

“Senator Clinton is running on a platform of change, but her time as first lady and senator from New York shows a history of trying to overhaul our country’s healthcare system. When I say that I will bring change, I mean it. Quarters for everyone!”

Maybe I’m just getting cranky in my old age. Maybe I should be grateful for the chance to buy a few more pieces of three-year-old gum from the gum ball machines in front of Chuck-E-Cheeses, or to make a few more wishes in front of the fountains in the mall. It all seems like just a big hassle, though. Every time I hear a presidential hopeful mention the word ‘change,’ I want to respond the same way I do when I hand $20 to the delivery guy for my $19.50 pizza: Keep it.