What the Doctor Prescribed

Amidst the presidential election, the fallout of the economy, hurricanes, gas prices, global warming and the return of O.J., the widely-discussed controversy over prescription drugs has recently fallen by the wayside.

By the way, speaking of O.J., there is dumb and then there is “O.J. dumb.” Here’s what I imagine was the last thought running through his head just before he burst into the hotel room in Las Vegas:

“OK Juice, let’s think about this – I’ve been given a pass to live the rest of my life as a free man despite killing two people, so tempting fate by stealing a couple of autographed pictures might not be a good idea. However, surely a jury wouldn’t hold my past crime against me, despite the evidence that there’s no one else on the planet who could have committed those murders, and surely they won’t be bothered by the fact that I’ve spent my free time playing golf and trying to publish books that describe how I committed the crime. I’m completely confident that twelve people could come together and agree to block that out of their heads and focus on this new crime I’m about to commit. Besides, even if they do find me guilty, how much trouble can I get into for kidnapping and armed robbery anyway? I’m gonna do it. I’m O.J. Simpson. I was in Naked Gun, damnit!”

Back to my point – prescription drugs. My wife and I talk regularly about the mass marketing of prescription drugs. Through diligent scientific research (i.e. lazy assumptions), we have concluded that, as a whole, society is probably a little over-medicated.

We try to counterbalance this by not continually driving in and out of pharmacies. For instance, I’m quite sure I have ADD. I would sooner defend O.J. than sit through another Peter Jackson movie. Am I taking anything for it? Nope. Although it’s largely because trained specialists who have spent years studying my behavior (i.e. my wife) typically refer to my condition as “distracted by television.” But whatever. I soldier on.

However, when it comes to being sick, I don’t soldier on and I don’t espouse on the over-medication of society. I want drugs.

Like a couple of weeks ago, when I had a sore throat, severely enflamed tonsils, a non-stop cough, the shakes, a full-body itch, and I was bleeding out of my eyes and ears, I went to see my doctor. Unfortunately, he is a little “old-school” and is against over-medicating his patients during times that I don’t typically agree with – like when I go to see him. Luckily, he did in fact prescribe something for me, but when I told people what it was, the overwhelming response was, “that’s what they give babies.”

This was not encouraging. I am not a baby. Not physically speaking anyway. Well, unless you pinch me really hard. But scientists and anthropologists would not classify someone my size as a baby. OK, maybe I’d qualify as an American-sized baby, but not a Chinese baby or a European baby. The point is, the drug wasn’t strong enough and I was back in his office two weeks later with the same cough.

That surely could have been avoided if my first visit had gone more like I wanted. More like this:

Dr: “So how are you feeling?”

Me: “I think I have a pine cone stuck in my esophagus. What can you give me?”

Dr: “Well, there’s this drug that the FDA has been slow to approve. It’s from Mexico, and it can only be smuggled in under the cover of night. Anyone caught trying to get it across our border will probably spend more time in prison than if they’re caught smuggling heroin. To be honest, it hasn’t even been tested on rats, let alone people.”

Me: “How soon can it get here?”

Dr: “A shipment came in just last night. Now, this is the part of your visit when I always remind you that I’ve only completed the first two years of medical school, so I can’t legally prescribe this to...”

Me: (interrupting) “I’m cool if you are.”

Dr: “Great.”

Look, it’s probably not best for people to take a lot of crap that isn’t completely necessary, but there are times when some hard-core drugs are necessary.

Last year, I had a staph infection in my finger. I didn’t know what it was, but my finger swelled up and turned unusual colors, so I went to an emergency care center. I thought about seeing my regular doctor instead, but not only would I have had to wait for an appointment, I also worried that he would look at it and say, “Go home and dip your finger in a warm cup of tea. With lemon – that part is important. While you’re doing this, be sure to think happy thoughts. It should clear up in 2-3 weeks.”

The emergency care physician did not prescribe tea. He prescribed the good stuff and, sure enough, it cleared up in 2-3 days. Not weeks.

Why is all this important? Because you need to talk to your kids about drugs. Tell them to take something strong and quit coughing on me. Little twerps.