Nothing's Getting Through

I have writer’s block. Well, I guess I can’t really call it “writer’s block.” It’s actually more like “guy who occasionally posts nonsensical ramblings to a web page” block. Or “blogger's block,” if you insist. Whatever you call it, I’m out of ideas.

I contemplated writing about the freezing temperatures and how it’s so nipple-twisting cold outside that the government should make it legal to insulate our homes with whale blubber, grizzly bear fur and spotted owl brains. But that’s the only thing I could think to say. Probably because it’s too damn cold to think.

Then there’s the big story this week about the US Airways flight that was brought down by some birds. But aside from the remarkable job done by the pilots and crew to keep anyone from getting hurt, the one thing I kept coming back to with that story was how much I would hate birds if I was on the flight. I mean, it’s one thing when they poop on your car, but when they force your plane to crash into the Hudson River in the middle of January… that’s out of line. I think after that I’d buy a monkey and train it to throw its feces at every bird it sees, whether the bird pooped on my car or not.

Yesterday I thought about how 30 Rock is quickly becoming my favorite show, thanks in part to the character Dr. Leo Spaceman who, on Thursday’s episode, asked “When will modern science find a cure for a woman’s mouth?”

Another one of his finer moments came last season when he was called upon to help a man who slipped into a diabetic comma. The less-than-reputable doctor picked up the phone and dialed 411 instead of 911, and when the operator asked him, “What listing?” he furrowed his brow in a confused manner and replied, “Uh… diabetes repair?”

But those are just rehashes of some funny moments from a sitcom, not the source of a blog posting. So then I thought how poignant and fitting it is that this year our first African-American president will be sworn in just one day after we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. day. But I couldn’t find a lot of comedy in that, and offering serious insight on weighty, historic political moments isn’t really my forte (buuuuurrrrrrrrp).

I could always follow up on my plan to list my New Year’s resolutions, but two weeks into the new year is usually when people start breaking their resolutions, not making them. So I missed the boat on that. Maybe next year.

There was an embarrassing moment earlier this week when I went out for lunch and tried multiple times to secure a cup lid to the top of my fountain drink. I finally decided that none of the lids were the right size, so I asked the woman behind the counter to set out some more of the appropriate-sized lids. She immediately popped the same lid on the cup that I had struggled with for 20 minutes. Her advice of, “Don’t be afraid to break a nail,” seemed unnecessary.

I could have made that incident the subject of this posting, but it was really more pathetic than funny. However, I realized that my inability to attach the cup lid to the accompanying cup is sort of a metaphor for my inability to come up with something to write about after two weeks. Now is not the time to come up short on ideas because it’s only going to get worse. After my daughter is born in a little over a week, I’ll barely have the brain capacity to tie my shoes or remember how to get to work every day, let alone pop on cup lids (write new blog posts).

Maybe I should stick to bottles and cans. Not metaphorically speaking, just when I’m thirsty. If my creative problem persists, I’ll just start posting links to porn.