The News is Making Me Thirsty

With so much political divisiveness going on these days, all sorts of new political parties have formed with ideas of how to change our government. It may be hard to keep track of all the groups and what they stand for, so feel free to consult the list below for some answers.

Tea Party – a loud, unorganized group that uses its title to hearken back to a Revolutionary movement without really understanding what that original movement was about. Many of its members are even unsure of what their current movement is about.

Coffee Party – formed in response to the Tea Party and consisting of similar types of people with similarly vague, unspecific ideas about what they expect from their government. This party’s only distinguishable trait is its pompous refusal to pay reasonable prices for coffee.

Kool-Aid Party – this group’s name strikes fear in those hearing of it for the first time because of the images it conjures up about Jim Jones. Instead, it consists largely of moms who drive mini-vans and get their kids to burn energy by playing soccer, only to fuel them up again by serving them Kool-Aid afterwards. Members fail to realize they can save thousands of dollars a year in sugar and gasoline by having their kids participate in something equally enjoyable, such as playing with fish hooks.

Lemonade Party – a moderate, easy-going party that is typically heard from only in the summer. Their off-shoot ‘pink’ contingent is highly active in raising cancer awareness.

Punch Party – this group has a hard time advancing its ideals unless they align themselves with a stronger group whose members display more confidence and fewer inhibitions. They do very well in the polls when partnering with Russian political advisors (see next party).

Vodka Party – enjoyed its renaissance during Boris Yeltsin’s administration

Soda Party – this group fails to gain any significant foothold due to its many fractured divisions. Members often bicker about which division is superior, with many groups changing their original colors from dark to clear. These members typically contain fewer ingredients and are often viewed as less influential. Other factors contributing to the group’s troubles include a divide over what to be called. Depending on where supporters live, the group may prefer to be called the ‘Pop Party,’ the ‘Cola Party’ or the traditional ‘Soft Drink Party’.

Sweet Tea Party – despite its name, has few viewpoints that are similar to the Tea Party. Sweet Tea advocates stand for everything that is right in the universe. It is a delicious, mouth-watering group that goes well with just about any entrée. Its roots can be traced back to a southern movement, and members can tolerate just about anything, even Jimmy Carter.

Bourbon, Rum, Scotch, Wine and Tequila Parties – Highly powerful, highly controversial groups that benefit from a lot of support, but ultimately fail on election day due to their struggles to sober up and make it out to the voting booths. Many also face scrutiny over questions of their citizenship.