I'll Just Stick with the Haircut, Thanks

It used to be that if you had an undesirable, embarrassing ailment or condition, you had to search high and low for information on a remedy. You might see or hear an advertisement for a pill to cure your overwhelming body odor, but it would only be late at night on some public access channel. Nowadays there’s a product to combat anything you can think of and each one is marketed during all hours of the day.

For a lot of people, this is a good thing. But the FCC needs to create some new technology that regulates how these products are marketed. Here’s my solution: Televisions should be wired so that commercials filtered through personal TVs are different from the ones that are shown on public/business TVs. I don’t know how this would work. The ‘how’ isn’t important, just the fact that it needs to happen.

I appreciate when a business owner is kind enough to provide a TV in his or her waiting room, but it’s almost more of a risk than a perk. Twice in the last couple of months, I have been at a place of business in the middle of the day, surrounded by strangers, when a Viagra commercial has come on. I can’t think of many places where I would like to be when the word ‘erection’ is overheard, but I can immediately think of two places where I don’t want to be and those are the car dealership and the barbershop.

I guess it could have been worse. Overhearing it at the hardware store would be uncomfortable. Standing in line for movie tickets would be odd. Work, church, the deli counter, a parent-teacher conference… all of these seem like highly inappropriate places.

The airport wouldn’t be so bad, simply because of the sheer number of people who are preoccupied with their own lives to really notice. But on an airplane would be awful. Aside from hearing that word through your headset while watching the in-flight movie (which doesn’t count because the headset makes you feel like you’re the only one hearing it), the only way you’d hear it on a plane is if it’s said by the person next to you, a stewardess or the pilot over the intercom.

Still, I stand by my assertion that one of the worst places to be is sitting in a chair while an old man runs his fingers through your hair. The ease of the room seems to disappear when that low, smoky voice tells you to consult your doctor if an erection lasts for more than four hours.

And plenty of other commercials fit this bill. If I visit a relative in a retirement home, I don’t want to worry about ads for funeral homes coming on while I’m there. And when I’m at the gym, I’d prefer that none of the TVs show a woman who’s concerned about her level of freshness. Granted, given the number of times I go to these places, the likelihood of either scenario occurring is slim to none (particularly the one at the gym). But still. It’s possible.

A more likely scenario is one day soon I will cart a busload of kids to Chuck-E-Cheeses (which surely have TVs these days) and one of my own will turn to me and say, “Daddy, this advertisement with women in yellow bathing suits falling into a pool and doing a synchronized dance… is it trying to sell birth control?”

If that happens, I’ll have to be straightforward with my kid and answer honestly and to the best of my ability by saying, “How the hell should I know?”

My point is that you can’t go anywhere these days without commercials creating uncomfortable social moments. Just yesterday I walked into my boss’ office to ask for some paperwork I needed. While she was searching for it, an ad came on her radio for discount vasectomies. There’s only one thing to do in that situation.

“SO… HOW ‘BOUT THOSE METS?” I asked.

Something has to be done. We all need vasectomies, but don’t remind me at work. Send some literature to my home. And wrap it tightly in a brown paper bag.