The Family That Scares Together...

I haven’t truly been scared by a horror movie since I was a kid. I haven’t been a big fan of them since, but that one certainly didn’t shy me away from them. I’ve seen my fair share, it’s just that most of them are pretty stupid and don’t leave much of an impression.

At least I thought they hadn’t. These days, though, I’ve been a little on edge (particularly at night), and I put all the blame on horror movies. Lately, whenever I come out of my bedroom after, say, 8:30 p.m. there’s a good chance my three-year-old son will be standing in the hallway staring at me. Since he’s supposed to be in bed, I always jump out of my socks. Or sometimes I’ll round the corner and he’ll be standing at the top of the stairs, which is even spookier.

Whenever he does this, I explain to him, “Son, you have to stop getting out of bed like this. You see, throughout history, children in your age bracket have been depicted as harbingers of evil in scary movies. They’re usually motionless, staring ominously into the darkness, much like you’re doing now. A lot of times they start out as innocent bystanders, happily playing with their toys or their dog, when one day they’re overcome by some demonic presence bent on destroying civilization. Other times they start off rotten and are sent to Earth by a malicious overlord who wants to harvest our souls for his own personal gain. Things never turn out well for those who get their souls harvested.

“There are rare occasions when an evil spirit will possess the child’s doll, but that’s not quite as frightening as the child becoming possessed himself. Sure, it’s a story line that’s been beaten into the ground, but it’s become tradition. A horror movie just isn’t complete without the freaky kid.”

He usually stares at me blankly, which of course worries me, so I’m forced to ask him, “Buddy, are you possessed?”

He typically responds by saying, “No, I just have to poop.”

Sometimes he’ll say he wants to brush his teeth. And other times he’ll want me or his mother to read him a bedtime story. I’ve yet to hear him say anything like, “The seas will run red with your blood.”

So, I should probably relax and not be so jumpy, but it’s tough. Too many damn movies.