The State Disaster Panel Hears the Annual Arguments

Membership Panel that Oversees the Doling Out of American Catastrophes Hears Each State’s Argument for Why It Should Not Be the Recipient of the Next Natural Disaster

Panel Chairman: Alright, I apologize for this meeting spilling over into a third day, but there are just so many of you. These things were a lot easier when there were only 13 colonies. Anyway, just to remind everyone, now that the oil mess in the Gulf looks to be under control, it’s time to decide which of you should be next on the quote-unquote, hit list. In the last five years, Louisiana has obviously dealt with a major hurricane and the BP disaster, so it has a pass for the next six months. Also, keep in mind that even though the final judging isn’t official, Michigan is most likely off the hook this year because of its economic woes, and Ohio will probably get off easy because by all appearances it has never recovered from its last disaster. Whatever it was.

We only have two of you left to plead your case, so hopefully we’ll be out of here before lunch. Florida, you’re up.

Florida: Well, I’m sure most of you are aware that due to the economic downturn, I’ve experienced plummeting home prices the last couple years. My tourism industry was hurt this summer as well due to tar balls washing up on a lot of my beaches. Granted, it wasn’t nearly as bad as what Louisiana experienced, but still. A lot of people forget, but I also suffered damage due to a handful of hurricanes that hit my shores the same year as Katrina. Again, not nearly as bad, but I don’t think ALL the sympathy should be reserved for New Orleans. And I’m still the butt of jokes for the 2000 Presidential Election. I mean, seriously. That was 10 years ago!

(Shout from the back) Are yous kiddin’ me?! Yous assholes just got LeBron James!

Chairman (banging gavel furiously): New York, we’ve had enough of your outbursts! You’re dangerously close to getting tazed.

Alright, you’ve made your point, Florida. Last but not least, if they’re lucky (laughter trickles throughout the panel members), New Jersey. State your case.

New Jersey: Ok, well, going off what my colleague Florida was just saying, for all of his confused elderly and NASCAR-appreciating citizens, I am the butt of far more jokes than he is. New Jersey is everybody’s favorite whipping boy. And now that reality show just got picked up for a second season. You all probably think that’s a perfect reason to pick me, but let me tell you, it’s humiliating. I don’t think I’m off base when I say that choosing me would be too obvious. Be creative! Be original. Think outside the box.

Panelist #12: Hold it right there. You made a very convincing argument right up until you said, ‘think outside the box.’ How about YOU think outside the box by NOT saying the phrase, ‘think outside the box.’ You’re back on the list.

(Just then Maine drunkenly stands on its seat, uses one hand to point an angry finger at the panel and its other hand to lewdly grab itself)

Maine: Oh yeah, well you’re back on this list!

Chairman (more gavel banging): That’s enough! We warned you last time, Maine. Security, remove The Pine Tree State from the proceedings. (Puts hand over mic and turns to panelists on his right) I mean it – this is the last year they’ll be allowed to bring in outside alcohol.

Panelist #3 (whispering to Panelist #8): Wow. I can’t believe Maine was the first to get thrown out. I thought for sure it would be Nevada.

Panelist #8 (whispering to Panelist #3): My money was on Wisconsin, but man, she can really hold her liquor.

Chairman: OK, let’s get back on track, people. Each of you has had a chance to speak, so before we adjourn to make our decision, let me just address some points of interest with a few of you.

Arizona – You should know right off the bat that you’re a leading candidate. You hate all your residents, anyway. You’re practically begging for some kind of disaster to occur. And good Lord, could you be any hotter? And we’re not talking about being popular or really attractive. We’re talking about the f#@*ing heat. How can you stand it? You really think it makes a difference that there’s no humidity? That’s supposed to make up for the fact that we have to breathe sand? I think if you were suddenly catapulted to the sun, not many states would openly weep. And you wouldn’t notice a difference.

California – I think we’re split down the middle on your fate. I mean, you have your regular slate of disasters – fires, mudslides, earthquakes. On the other hand, it’d be tough for a state to be more pompous. You’ve got your beaches, your movie stars, your overpriced… well, everything. And let’s not forget your weather is almost as obnoxiously nice as Arizona’s is obnoxiously hot. Then there’s the fact that you wouldn’t convict a celebrity for double murder if he molested your child at his fantasy ranch and then videotaped himself beating you alongside a bunch of police officers after a minor traffic violation. And, you know… committed double murder.

Kansas - Sheesh. Where do I start? Let’s just say you’re lucky Darwin’s not on this panel.

And New Hampshire - That little fling you’re having with a certain Canadian province that shall remain nameless? It’s not as secret as you think it is. Turns out one of our members got a hold of an e-mail you sent her and I don’t think your wife would be too happy with what you wrote. Not only that, but you are sick, man. Absolutely sick.

Let’s see… who else, who else? Oh yeah, Oregon – Waah, waah, waah, waah, waah. Come on! You didn’t even make a case for yourself. You just went on and on about ‘Can’t we all just live in peace and love and harmony? Why do we have to have disasters and suffering?’ Auuugggghhhh (mockingly sticks finger down throat). I swear, if Lewis and Clark weren’t already dead, I’d kill them myself.

And Georgia – The panel will definitely take into account that unfortunate incident that a few of our members had when they pulled into one of your truck stops along I-75 last year. What’s that? The owners of the truck stop didn’t know who they were? Well, maybe next time they won’t get so wide eyed at the sight of ‘out-of-towners.’

Ok, I think that’s it. Rest assured, we will factor in Maine’s complete lack of respect for this panel and for all of you. We’re going to talk it over, then let’s reconvene at 11 a.m. for the big announcement. Just a reminder, the next disaster on the docket involves millions of strains of the Ebola virus being dropped into your largest city’s supply of drinking water. Keep your fingers crossed!